Do you remember being a kid and trying to make new friends? If you met someone and found out you liked the same ice cream flavor or shared a favorite Power Ranger, you decided at that moment you were destined to be friends. It was almost magical.
Since humans have thrived for thousands of years because of our social traits, our brain rewards us with drugs (dopamine, serotonin and endorphins) when we make connections with other humans. Especially when we share some core values, like how Billy the Blue Ranger was a super amazing underdog in both the show and IRL.
Now you’re an adult and life is way more complex. You’re more complex. Your circumstances are more complex. Your brain doesn’t care, though. It continues to give us those drugs when we make a connection and we find a base level of compatibility. I do that when I make a new friend who likes board games. I’m like “Hell YA! Game NIGHTS! Whoop!” For all I know, that person could be a real-life Dexter. When you go beyond friends, add the extra layers of physical attractions, pheromones, and/or that intense intellectual chemistry then your brain is like…
Here’s the first problem: Your brain doesn’t always identify compatibility before it starts releasing those drugs. You connect with someone and all the sudden you’re standing in a dense forest of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and you can only see a few feet in front of you at any given moment. You’re just holding on to the thought of your very next interaction with that person and walking aimlessly with no real direction or thoughts about long-term compatibility.
The second problem: Compatibility has an exorbitant amount of facets that can take time to unravel and reveal themselves. It can include your:
- Mental health
- Love/Apology languages
- Relationship structures
- Communication styles/patterns
- Geographical location
- Availability/Scheduling
- Core values
- Expectations
- Familial structures
- Life plans/goals
- etc.
Conversely, we may be able to identify some possible incompatibilities right away, but our brain is so quick to give us that NRE that we might underestimate them. Where I’ve personally messed up (more than once) is starting relationships with enthusiasm, optimism and copious amounts of NRE, only to pull away due to some compatibility roadblock that was present since day one. The problem is, my NRE brain said “I can make it work! I got this! You just sit back and enjoy all these drugs I’m giving you.”
While a lot of compatibility can be negotiated and worked through with some solid communication, some things may be deal breakers for you. If you know what those deal breakers are but don’t communicate them on the front end, it can be devastating to the other person. There can be countless examples but I’ll share one in particular I have struggled with in the past: Long distance. I have a pattern of starting out long distance connections optimistic that I can make them work. I’m ready to buy plane tickets and get the first meeting out of the way! I might make it through a couple of visits but eventually the NRE settles down and reality starts to set in. I’m a homebody and an introvert so planning long weekends with one person regularly is stressful. Not to mention my primary love language is physical touch and nobody has invented a teleporter for impromptu cuddles (yet).
When I’m no longer running on a full dose of the NRE drugs, I start to pull back and feel disconnected. I can end up hurting the other person in the process when pulling back. My NRE brain has tricked me into thinking I could make it work, when in reality, I couldn’t sustain it long-term. Or at least not at the same level I started out with.
Going through the motions of getting to know someone and making decisions about your compatibility is a natural part of developing relationships of all styles. Sometimes certain compatibility concerns can be revealed over time during your interactions with that person and that’s ok! When those incompatibilities come up, you should stop, have a conversation about your observations and decide if that’s a reason to shift expectations. You don’t have to have everything sorted out on the front end (although I sometimes wish we could just download eachothers’ brains into our own brain).
I don’t want to be too hard on the NRE brain as it has a purpose and is useful. After all, it’s contributed greatly to the survival of our species for all these years. It’s designed to help you overcome obstacles when connecting with people (think of our friends The Proclaimers). NRE should be understood enough to be a part of the whole equation when making complex decisions about compatibility in a relationship.
I’m currently doing work on this and trying to find a balance between allowing myself to feel the excitement of NRE without letting it cloud my perception of compatibility. The more I can understand it, the better I can manage it and the better I can set expectations for those around me. My main objective isn’t to try and go down a long list of compatibility measures to find a reason not to date someone (let’s be real, us overthinkers can ALWAYS find something). My objective is to learn to be honest with myself, in spite of the NRE, so I can be honest to people I’m connecting with.
I hope by sharing my thoughts on it, you’ll be able to understand how NRE can distort your perception of compatibility and help you from making some of the mistakes that I have.
