“Yes, hi. Excuse me. How many partners do you have?”
Wait. What do you mean by partners? Work partners, business partners, class project partners, dance partners, life partners, etc. There’s many kinds of partners!
Partner only has 2 definitions in the dictionary:
noun
- either of a pair of people engaged together in the same activity.
“arrange the children in pairs so that each person has a partner” - either member of a married couple or of an established unmarried couple.
“she lived with her partner”
Definition 1 leaves A LOT of gray areas for us to fill in the blanks. Definition 2 was built for monogamy. What is it that even makes someone established and/or coupled? Time? Shared assets? Having sex? Future plans?
I was doing some mental processing of my relationships as I tried to explain to someone who asked me how many partners I had. I was thinking about how my definition of relationships and partners has evolved over time. Frankly, I sometimes have trouble defining what makes a partner a partner even in my own little orbit of special connections. It’s a label with many meanings that fluctuate from person to person. So, if it’s such an indefinable term, why do we use the word “partner” like everyone has the same definition?
I remember meeting other polyam folks early in my polyam journey and asking how many partners they had before I even knew how they defined “partner”. I knew what my definition of partner was because it was clear to me how I defined a partner. Sometimes people were flustered by the question “How many partners do you have?” or just responded with “I don’t really know.” I was like “OMG HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW!!” Or, if it was more than what I considered a reasonable amount I was like: 😲😲😲😲😲😲
At that point in my journey I poured SO MUCH of myself into a single connection, I couldn’t fathom having more than 2 or 3 “partners”. So I’d project that onto the person I asked and… I’m very ashamed to admit this… I’d subconsciously define their connections as not very intimate or lesser than what I thought a partner should be. 🙈😬.
I was ignorant and I’m owning up to that. As I have become more comfortable with my own weird* version of RA (Relationship Anarchy), where I try not to define my connections too much, I realized I don’t even really know how to define “Partner” anymore. I’m that person that I unfairly judged early on in my journey.
*My Weird Version of RA: Trying to live outside the societal constructs of relationships with a logical/analytical brain that still tries to label and categorize everything.
I now have a different framework for how I view partners and I wanted to share it for people who might be newer to polyam or not familiar with Relationship Anarchy (RA) so they don’t make the same mistakes I did. Let me be very clear: This is NOT a unique framework and it’s one that’s already shared by so many. I know some of you are probably reading this and are like
As usual with my blog posts, I just hope to give one person a different perspective. Just one person.
Keep this in mind: When you ask someone how many “partners” they have, their definition of partners might be VERY different from yours. You might not even be in the same ballpark with your definitions.
Let’s say someone has 10 special people in their life who may or may not fall into their category of “partners”. If a person includes comets, planets, flirtationships, close connections, nesting partners, FWB, etc then 10 isn’t that extreme of a number. All these connections likely have extremely varying levels of intimacy all over the spectrum, but all still be very important to that person. That person may talk to some of these “partners” daily and others every couple of weeks (or sometimes even less). They might only be having a physical relationship with a few of them (or none of them), but all of them are people in their life that they have some sort of romantic connection with, adore and love.
Let me paint this picture for you: I have a best friend of 10+ years. We connect almost everyday and he’s one of the small handful of people I talk to with that frequency. I brag about his talents to anyone who will listen like we’re married. We love one another and tell each other that often. Our connection isn’t romantic and we don’t have sex but he holds a place in my heart alongside other people I have romantic connections with. If I had 10 connections, like the one I do with my best friend, would you have the same response to me saying I had 10 “partners”?
In summary, you probably wouldn’t be taken aback if someone has 10 super close friends. Don’t be taken aback if someone says they have 10 partners.
What are you really asking someone when you ask how many partners they have?
Are you asking them how many people they are having sex with?
Are you asking to see if you might be able to fit in there somewhere?
Are you asking them how many people they love?
So ask yourself, what are you REALLY asking when you ask someone how many partners they have?
