I want to share some of my processing on this question. As per usual, I hope it will help get the wheels turning for you on this topic.

It’s easy to forget sometimes but I have to remind myself: Communication is bi-directional.  You’re giving and receiving continuous feedback in both directions at all times.  You produce sounds (or text) that turn into language that enter someone else’s thoughts then someone processes their thoughts on how they receive that language and they produce sounds that turn into language that turn into thoughts that now have to be processed with the layer of the previous exchange of sounds, language and thoughts.  

I hope you get the gist:  When you really start to think about the actual operation of communication in its entirety, there’s A LOT of data points going back and forth when communicating.  

Let’s think about it in terms of sound frequencies (vibrations) that travel through the air.  

Sometimes those communication frequencies between two people are very in-sync and line up in a harmonious way that is pleasant to experience (e.g. my nesting partner and I communicate at a compatible frequency and therefore communication comes easy between us). Sometimes those two frequencies come together and create a noticeable imbalance (or a frequency “beat” if you want to get nerdy). That imbalance can be a very unpleasant thing to experience.

On average, a human can hear a range of about 20,000 different frequencies when measured by Hertz (20Hz to 20,000Hz give or take). Much like the large human audible range, the range of communication compatibilities is ENORMOUS. That’s because there is so many variables.  That means to be a perfect communicator, YOU have to have the skills to be able to dial in precisely to each person’s frequency.  I honestly don’t even know if that’s possible.  Even professionals where it’s a big part of their job to figure out how to get through to other humans (e.g. therapists) can’t dial into everyone’s frequency just right.  That’s why a therapist can be highly regarded by some and seen as awful by others.  This is why it’s important to remember that communication compatibility is important in all aspects of our life.  Not just your romantic relationships.

Here’s the thing about me: I can talk about anything and everything.  I can spill my guts, express difficult concerns, set expectations that I know might be hard to hear.  I can check in regularly about my feelings.  I can be very forward and transparent.  I can share all my wants and needs.

IF

The person I’m communicating with and myself have frequencies that vibe. 

If the person I’m communicating with and myself don’t have frequencies that vibe, then I struggle with communicating some or all those things.  It can cause my brain to shut down and malfunction.  

Folks who operate at a similar frequency as myself might think I’m an excellent communicator.  For example, they might appreciate forwardness above all else.  On the flip side, someone who communicates at a different frequency might find that forwardness isn’t always compassionate.  They also might find my level of communication is exhausting and too much.  All of a sudden my communication skills don’t feel so great.

Because I’m neurodiverse and easily overstimulated, I prefer non/low emotional dialog.  I like to communicate calmly and with an even tone.  I want either party to be able to take a step back from the dialog if they are having strong emotions so they have time to process. That’s not a format of communication where everyone feels comfortable.  Some people may feel like it’s impossible to communicate hard things without leaning into their emotions and that’s 100% valid (any maybe even more normal).  To some people, I might just seem like some kind of robot completely void of emotions.

It’s not because the other people have sub-par communication and my communication is superior or vice versa. I’m just me and they are just them.  They may be great at expressing the core fundamentals of communicating effectively (sharing feelings, setting expectations, expressing wants/needs, etc.) .  It’s not just “what” they’re expressing when evaluating compatibility in communication but it’s also “when” and “how”, too.  Let’s take a quick look at how the “when” and “how” can add so many layers to the “what”:

When:  Have you ever said something at a very wrong time?  I sure have. Maybe it was the right time for me but wrong for the person who was hearing it. Maybe it’s important to have certain communication on a full stomach so you aren’t hangry.  Maybe it’s important that you don’t hear about a new crush right after a long day of exhausting work.  Sometimes people want to talk things out immediately and sometimes people want to sit in their feelings for a bit to process so there may be a different sense of urgency.

How: The method can include your tone, your volume and your expressions.  It can also include different modalities of communication like text, email, face-to-face or over the phone.  Some of you will say “text please” for hard convos and some will say “face-to-face please”.  It doesn’t mean one is better, it just means you simply have different preferences.  Sometimes, to the detriment of my fellow neurodiverse folks, even passive aggressive communication works for some people.  It can feel playful and fun and be effective for those two people.

Again: So. Many. Variables.

I’ve come a long way in my communication from where I started.  The version of me 10 years ago didn’t even have the core elements of communication down.  I was a bottler and I’d just bottle everything up.  It was miserable to myself and miserable to my loved ones as well.  So yeah, I’m a better communicator than I used to be but I want to keep developing those skills even more. All the work I’ve done on communication has given me some very happy and healthy relationships.  Not ONLY because I worked on my communication but also because I’ve found people who communicate at a compatible frequency.

While you strive to be a better communicator, don’t strive for perfection.  It’s just not achievable.  Keep trying to grow and expand your communication skills, because growth in that area of your life will serve you well.  You’ll be able to dial into more frequencies than just your own.  Just don’t be too hard on yourself if your method of communication doesn’t work for every single person you come across.  It just won’t.  Seek out some level of compatibility of frequencies to have a sense of harmony in your relationships.  Just know that no matter how good you think you get at communicating, you’re not the only person in that equation.

If you want a good quick and dirty 101 on sound frequencies check out this short video .

The post The Complexities Of Compatibility In Communication appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I did.  I know many of you did.  But why?????

Well, we might have found ourselves stuck in the:

Sunk Cost Fallacy

Before I dive into the Sunk Cost Fallacy I want you to know this: My blog posts are intentionally short and are designed to get your wheels turning. There is no way I can cover all the “What if” scenarios on this topic. Please don’t make a huge decision about your relationships solely because of this one blog post from a random person on the internet. Let this post be an opportunity for you to learn and consider a new perspective and give you something to think about.

As usual with my blog posts, let’s start with a definition of the Sunk Cost Fallacy:

Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behavior or endeavor as a result of previously invested resources (time, money or effort) (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). This fallacy, which is related to loss aversion and status quo bias, can also be viewed as bias resulting from an ongoing commitment. – behavioraleconomics.com

While this fallacy is applied primarily to financial investments, it’s not exclusive to that.  However, let’s start with the financial lens first:

Have you ever watched a show like Shark Tank or Dragons’ Den where people come to investors to acquire money and help them grow their business?  If so, you’ll see the Sunk Cost Fallacy at play all the time.  Someone who is trying to keep their business going will sell everything they own, take a loan against their house, and borrow from anyone who will loan them money.  All because they think their business idea or product is going to be the next big thing, and they think they are just one more loan or business contact away from making it happen.  Here’s the thing: Many of them are already many years into their endeavor by the time they come onto that show.  Sometimes even over a decade of pursuing their business with a loss year after year.  Despite all the VERY clear data that their business wasn’t working, they continued to stick with it and continued to not succeed.  They just continued to lose more and more money every single year.

So why have these people continued their business despite experiencing a continued loss year after year?  Why do they ignore all the data and evidence that’s right in front of them that their business is failing?  It’s the Sunk Cost Fallacy.  They have invested SO MUCH time, energy and money into their business that they feel like giving up is not even an option.  They feel like they HAVE to make it work because they’ve put so much into it.  So they continue on way longer than they should have in the first place.

Someone from the outside without the emotional connection can easily see that stopping at any point before now would mean they would have experienced less loss altogether.  Usually the “Shark” or “Dragon” will tell the entrepreneur to “Please, stop.  Please stop before you keep digging this hole deeper and deeper.”  

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is not just a human trait, it’s an emotional trait and it’s found in many animals that have more sophisticated emotional characteristics (mice, rats, dogs, primates, etc). 

The good news is that if you’re experiencing a Sunk Cost dilemma in your relationship(s), you’re probably not a psychopath.  It means you’re probably in that place because you’re trying to make a decision about the future of your relationship using your emotions and not using pure logic and facts.  That’s why when you see a friend in a really bad situation, it’s so easy for you to come to the conclusion that they should leave that situation.  You can come to that decision easily because you observe the facts objectively and without your emotions.  However, if you put yourself in the same spot as your friend and now there’s love, moments of happiness, fond memories, and time invested–all of a sudden it feels a lot harder to leave.  This is just another anecdote for the saying: Love is blind.

When you’re trying to determine if you should step away from a relationship, try to not let the Sunk Cost Fallacy cloud your judgement.  How much time and energy you’ve invested in someone shouldn’t be a primary factor considered in that decision.  Mostly because people change and grow all the time.  Humans are fluid, complex and extremely dynamic.  Maybe they were a good match for the version of you 10 years ago but aren’t a good match for the version of you today.  Maybe you have outgrown your partner or you two just grew in different directions.

Here are some questions/thoughts to try and hack the Sunk Cost Fallacy: 

• If you met this person right now, for the first time and there was no history at all, would you choose to be with them?  If you didn’t know them and saw them on a dating site, would something on their profile be a flag for incompatibility?
  
  
• Think about what advice you’d give to a friend who was in the exact same situation you are facing.  What would you tell them if you were being objective?
  
  
• What are the facts at hand showing you?  What does the data look like?  What story has the patterns of this person’s behavior been trying to tell you?
  
  
• Is the only reason you’re still with them because of the time you’ve invested and nothing else?  
  
  
• Would you feel happy/relieved if this person broke up with you?
  
  
• Do you find yourself feeling way more unhappy with this person than happy?

I’m going to switch it up a little here because I want to remind you of something important: Sometimes our partners do things that are unattractive.  Sometimes they go through things that need patience from us (e.g. mental health issues).  Sometimes they do things that make us unhappy or make decisions that we don’t agree with.  That’s all a normal part of relationships, and no relationship is perfect.  You can actually use the Sunk Cost Fallacy to your advantage in these situations to help you work through those things with your partner.   As long as you’re actually getting through them and observing some sort of progress.

Lastly, because many of us were taught that you must stay with someone for your entire life, Uncle Iroh wants to remind you of something really important:

HUGE Disclaimer: I’m a 30-something childless cis white male with my own bank account and a job where I can support myself.  I have the luxury and privilege to not have to ask myself if I “can” leave someone.  Determining if you “can” is a huge part of this equation that I’m not covering in this blog post.  If you know you need to leave but don’t know how you can, please know there are some resources.  When looking into these resources, keep in mind that abuse isn’t always physical or gender specific: https://www.thehotline.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If you want to learn more about Sunk Cost Fallacy, check out this perfectly nerdy podcast episode:

The post Why Are You Staying In That Relationship? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Wait. What do you mean by partners? Work partners, business partners, class project partners, dance partners, life partners, etc.  There’s  many kinds of partners!

 Partner only has 2 definitions in the dictionary:

noun

1. either of a pair of people engaged together in the same activity.
   “arrange the children in pairs so that each person has a partner”
2. either member of a married couple or of an established unmarried couple.
   “she lived with her partner”

Definition 1 leaves A LOT of gray areas for us to fill in the blanks.  Definition 2 was built for monogamy. What is it that even makes someone established and/or coupled?  Time? Shared assets? Having sex? Future plans?

I was doing some mental processing of my relationships as I tried to explain to someone who asked me how many partners I had.  I was thinking about how my definition of relationships and partners has evolved over time.  Frankly, I sometimes have trouble defining what makes a partner a partner even in my own little orbit of special connections.  It’s a label with many meanings that fluctuate from person to person.  So, if it’s such an indefinable term, why do we use the word “partner” like everyone has the same definition?

I remember meeting other polyam folks early in my polyam journey and asking how many partners they had before I even knew how they defined “partner”.  I knew what my definition of partner was because it was clear to me how I defined a partner.  Sometimes people were flustered by the question “How many partners do you have?” or just responded with  “I don’t really know.”  I was like “OMG HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW!!” Or, if it was more than what I considered a reasonable amount I was like:   

At that point in my journey I poured SO MUCH of myself into a single connection, I couldn’t fathom having more than 2 or 3 “partners”.  So I’d project that onto the person I asked and… I’m very ashamed to admit this…  I’d subconsciously define their connections as not very intimate or lesser than what I thought a partner should be.  . 

I was ignorant and I’m owning up to that.  As I have become more comfortable with my own weird* version of RA (Relationship Anarchy), where I try not to define my connections too much, I realized I don’t even really know how to define “Partner” anymore.  I’m that person that I unfairly judged early on in my journey.

_{*My Weird Version of RA: Trying to live outside the societal constructs of relationships with a logical/analytical brain that still tries to label and categorize everything.} 

I now have a different framework for how I view partners and I wanted to share it for people who might be newer to polyam or not familiar with Relationship Anarchy (RA) so they don’t make the same mistakes I did.  Let me be very clear: This is NOT a unique framework and it’s one that’s already shared by so many.   I know some of you are probably reading this and are like

As usual with my blog posts, I just hope to give one person a different perspective.  Just one person.

Keep this in mind: When you ask someone how many “partners” they have, their definition of partners might be VERY different from yours.  You might not even be in the same ballpark with your definitions.

Let’s say someone has 10 special people in their life who may or may not fall into their category of “partners”.  If a person includes comets, planets, flirtationships, close connections, nesting partners, FWB, etc then 10 isn’t that extreme of a number.   All these connections likely have extremely varying levels of intimacy all over the spectrum, but all still be very important to that person. That person may talk to some of these “partners” daily and others every couple of weeks (or sometimes even less).  They might only be having a physical relationship with a few of them (or none of them), but all of them are people in their life that they have some sort of romantic connection with, adore and love.

Let me paint this picture for you:  I have a best friend of 10+ years.  We connect almost everyday and he’s one of the small handful of people I talk to with that frequency.  I brag about his talents to anyone who will listen like we’re married.   We love one another and tell each other that often.  Our connection isn’t romantic and we don’t have sex but he holds a place in my heart alongside other people I have romantic connections with.  If I had 10 connections, like the one I do with my best friend, would you have the same response to me saying I had 10 “partners”? 

In summary, you probably wouldn’t be taken aback if someone has 10 super close friends.  Don’t be taken aback if someone says they have 10 partners.  

What are you really asking someone when you ask how many partners they have? 

Are you asking them how many people they are having sex with?  

Are you asking to see if you might be able to fit in there somewhere?  

Are you asking them how many people they love?

So ask yourself, what are you REALLY asking when you ask someone how many partners they have?

The post Ok, But What Even Is A Partner? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Click here for text version of list.

The post The Pros and Cons of Polyamory – Version 1 appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Since I’ve already put my hand on the hot burner more than once I’ve been able to gain some wisdom over the years. When I connect with someone who’s still early on in their polyamory journey, I struggle with trying to decide if I should slap their hand away from the burner so they don’t get hurt or just let them burn themselves so they can learn the same things I’ve had to learn. If I’m being completely honest, I still don’t know where that balance is. You can tell a couple first opening up their relationship to polyamory that triads are hard and people get hurt. You can strongly encourage them to date separately and send them all the resources to unicorn hunting that you can muster up and it doesn’t matter. A triad feels like the safest route for them so they almost never listen. If they already got it in their head that’s what they want, they go for it anyways. I didn’t listen, so why should I expect someone else to? Yup, my first foray into polyamory was a triad. I wasn’t necessarily looking for one but it happened. Guess what? It wasn’t very healthy and people got hurt just like everyone was telling me that’s what would happen. There were some good times, but all the bad things people were telling me would happen, did happen. 

I’m going to drop a list of many of the mistakes (for free) I made on my journey through polyamory. I want to make this list for a few reasons. 1) To remind you that nobody is perfect so don’t be too hard on yourself, 2) As a personal growth exercise to see and acknowledge my mistakes and 3) To maybe plant a seed that might help you avoid some of the pitfalls on your journey.

Ok… Here it goes….

1. Years 1 and 2 – I was in a monogamous relationship that opened up to polyamory. I’ll refer to this as my “primary” relationship although I’m not a fan of that word in general. It’s for clarity in this context. Here are some of the big mistakes in regards to that time period of my journey:
   1. I told my primary partner that I thought it would be weird if they dated someone like me and that just dating someone like me didn’t make sense. I even bordered on an OPP (One Penis Policy) vibe and while it was short lived my brain still went down that path and that was not ok.
   2. I gave my primary all the control because I wanted them to feel safe and secure. Even they admitted further down the journey that this was a bad idea. This meant my connections were anything but organic and were being controlled by an outside source.
   3. We started out with a triad. A very unhealthy one that was fraught with couples privilege. We were toxic af and the epitome of all that is wrong with new polyamorous couples jumping straight into a triad.
   4. I agreed to things that I didn’t really actually agree with. I really blew it here because I was either full of resentment or broke those agreements. Neither of which was healthy or good. 
   5. I should have left that “primary” relationship sooner. Polyamory brought all kinds of bad things to the surface that were swept under the rug since the beginning of our relationship. Despite them trying to be understanding and even be a willing participant in the concepts of non-monogamy, there were many times where I felt like I was just dragging them behind a truck. I should have drawn a line in the sand a lot sooner.
   6. Even when not in a triad, I still let my primary relationship greatly influence my other relationships. I hurt people and toyed with them because I was painfully unaware of how much couples privilege was actually taking place. It makes me sick thinking about what I did to genuinely amazing people in the first few years of my journey.
2. Years 3 to 6 – Here are some mistakes I made outside the scope of opening up a monogamous relationship.
   1. I was in the kitchen table polyamory or bust camp. Over time, I realized it wasn’t reasonable to make it a requirement. It’s not fair to put pressure on people to interact if they don’t want to. Kitchen table polyamory is still a preference but I’ve definitely pulled back on making that any kind of requirement.
   2. I would let NRE catapult me into a space that I wasn’t comfortable with, and then I would have to pull back. This understandably hurts people because it’s scary when you sense a partner pulling back. NRE is dangerous if not managed well.
   3. I let NRE blind me from observing problematic behaviors. This hurt me more than others but I have definitely missed some huge red flags because of pure lustful infatuation with someone. Again, NRE is dangerous if not managed well. 
   4. I have since learned that I’m probably more in the graysexual area, but I would participate in sexual activities before I was ready for 2 reasons: 1) Definitely some toxic masculinity and 2) The polyamorous space is a very sexual one and I’d put pressure on myself to keep up with my peers. This has caused me to get out of sync with partners and nothing good ever happens when you’re out of sync. 
   5. I would bite off more than I could chew. I’d get a wild hair and say “I’m going to take down my walls!” and then end up saturated in connections and finding myself overwhelmed and trying to figure out how to backtrack. While I’ve definitely gotten a lot better with this it’s still something I keep a close eye on.
   6. I would enter relationships with wildcards and not disclose them. Let me explain – I would say to myself in my head: “This is a new situation and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it but I’ll give it a shot.” and then when the wildcard became a dealbreaker I would take a step back from that connection. More recently, I’ve become very transparent with people if there is a wildcard that I’m not sure about. Unfortunately, I haven’t always been so up front and I’ve hurt people. 

If it’s not obvious by the sheer amount of mistakes I’ve made over the years, I wasn’t lying in saying that I’m human. We all make mistakes no matter how much we try to mitigate them. Nobody gets into a relationship saying “I’m going to try to hurt this person!” Well, at least I hope not.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to still have a connection with most of the people I’ve dated in spite of all my mistakes along the way. This means I was able to get feedback on how my behaviors have affected people and I’m so grateful for that. It would be very irresponsible for me to not at least try to learn and grow from that feedback that has been gifted to me. I’m still going to continue to make new mistakes. Because I’m human. Just like all of us.  

I hope that by my sharing my mistakes from over the years it has helped you in some way. While I will be the first to remind you to not be too hard on yourself, I’ll also be the person to tell you to not give yourself a free pass either. If anything I shared made you question your own behaviors, take a look at them and see if you have some opportunities to be better. At the end of the day, I think that’s what is most important. 

The post Giving Away Free Mistakes! appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

A quick and dirty intro into neurodiversity: 

Neurodiversity is an attempt at acknowledging that we don’t all process the world the same way. You have neurotypical people who make up a majority of folks and neurodivergent folks who are the minority. What makes someone neurodivergent? Lots of things! Autism, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, anxiety and anything that does not fit into the box of “normal” thought patterns. Normal is a very vague word, but it’s what we build our society around. Our classrooms, work lives and our social expectations are all built around the neurotypical person. Neurotypical people tend to be naturally good with social cues, can easily read a room and tend to not get overstimulated easily. They usually learn well in a traditional academic environment, and their development follows a pretty predictable timeline (walking, talking, learning, etc.). On the flip side, neurodivergent people can have trouble learning in a traditional classroom environment and might not follow predictable developmental timelines. Social cues aren’t inherent and need to be learned. Neurodivergent people process information and learn in different ways than neurotypical people. This doesn’t have anything to do with their intelligence and has everything to do with how they process the world through their own unique lens. 

As a neurodivergent and polyamorous person who has navigated both healthy and unhealthy relationships I thought I would share some things I’ve learned over the years. Neurodiversity is broad and I’ve written these tips to try and be inclusive of all neurodivergent folks but my journey and experiences are my own, so these might not all be applicable to you. I still hope they can help you explore some thought tracks when navigating your existing and potential connections.

1. Don’t agree to do things that you don’t like to do. You may get excited when a crush invites you to do literally ANYTHING and you say “YES!” even if it’s not something you’d enjoy. Just say “No.” Explain why and tell them some things you would rather do instead. This is a good opportunity to practice setting some boundaries for both yourself and your crush. If this is someone that you will be compatible with and who will be understanding of who you are as a person then they will appreciate this so much. A lot of us neurodivergent people have a hard time with many normal activities that seem pretty routine. When you say “Yes!” and go to that activity and are miserable, bored and/or overstimulated, the person who invited you is going to know. Stick to doing things that you’re comfortable with and you know you can be at your best while doing. After all, the beauty of polyamory is you don’t need to be that person’s “everything” so let them take someone else to that concert that you weren’t going to enjoy anyways.
   
   
2. Let people know up front how you’re different. Take notes on how you’re different from neurotypical people. Share those things with people you meet as they come up. I’ve found that being up front about my differences early on makes navigating connections much easier. As an example: Say I am sitting across the table from someone and they are telling me a story. I will say “Hey, just FYI, eye contact is really hard for me and my staring off to the side isn’t a sign of disinterest. I’m really interested in what you’re saying.” Now they don’t have to wonder if I’m just trying to find the nearest exit.
   
   
3. Explain masking to new people.  Masking is when a neurodivergent person forces themselves into “normal” behaviors to try their best to fit in with the rest of the world.  If you’re comfortable with taking off your mask for new people then I recommend you try to do that.  This way, they can get to know you in all your neurodivergent glory.  Not everyone is comfortable with or even CAN take off their mask intentionally.  If that’s the case for you, then have a conversation with your potential new connection about what masking is and how you wear yours.  This will take some self reflection and vulnerability but it will help set up some expectations. 
   
   
4. Neurodivergence can make you special. Figure out in what ways being the way you are makes you a great partner. As a neurodivergent person you can probably offer a lot of things that other people can’t. You can highlight these with potential love interests as they might not be things they think about. For example, someone who has ADHD can offer way more spontaneity and amazing adventures to someone’s day and someone who is OCD can offer routine and consistency. For me, being on the autism spectrum and the way it affects me means I can have all levels of conversations with a pretty even tone. A lot of people have appreciated this about me.
   
   
5. Learn the things that don’t come naturally to you. Just because it doesn’t come as naturally to you as neurotypical people doesn’t mean you can’t learn. A lot of people that are neurodivergent have a harder time with things that come very naturally to neurotypical folks. Some examples might be time management, recognizing facial expressions and knowing what to say in certain social situations. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those things and learn them. For example, when I learned that I was on the autism spectrum as an adult I took a test where I was supposed to identify facial expressions and I failed miserably. Well, I found some facial expression flashcards and started studying them and now I’m a lot better at recognizing them. This helps me understand my partners better. I also realized very quickly that I just thought most facial expressions meant someone had to poop.
   
   
6. Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly. I admit, this is kind of a broad statement and “treating someone poorly” is very subjective. You are who you are and you can’t be someone you’re not. With that said, if the same behaviors you exhibit consistently hurt people then I suggest you at least try to work on changing those. An example is stonewalling (completely shutting down and refusing to communicate or giving minimal and vague feedback to the people around you). This is a pretty common behavior with people on the autism spectrum and I did that pretty consistently in the past. It happens so fast and I didn’t even know I was doing it. If I’m being completely honest, it even still sneaks up on me now (old habits die hard). Over the years I have learned to recognize when I start falling into that and I can at least say “I’m shutting down and this isn’t going to be the best time for me to talk about this,” or I can keep myself from going into that place by being conscious of it. I still don’t catch it every single time but I do it way less and it doesn’t impact my relationships the way it used to.
   
    
7. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is the most important advice I can give you. Don’t underestimate someone’s ability to love you just the way you are. I know a lot of us think “I am a really hard person to love” because we see ourselves as so different from what’s considered the norm. Please trust me as someone who is not neurotypical and who has people in my life who love me. They don’t love me in spite of my neurodivergence, but because that’s just who I am. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but you’ll be someone’s hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter evening. 

Neurodivergent people are the outliers and have to do their best to fit into a society that wasn’t built for them. They have been shoved in a box that doesn’t fit them their whole life and perhaps that contributes to them being more comfortable with exploring polyamory and living outside the societal norms. Understanding why there are so many neurodivergent folks in the polyamory community can be a whole other ball of wax (though still fascinating so let me know if you have any research/resources on this). While there is a slight shift in the culture surrounding neurodiversity and people are becoming more aware that we can’t live in a one-size-fits-all society there is still a long way to go. In the meantime, we are all just trying to do our best navigating this wild world. Just do your best, be kind and go be someone’s hot chocolate. 

The post Neurodivergent Dating in Polyamory appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Rules come up a lot in my posts.  If you’ve read any of my posts that reference rules you know I don’t like them.  Polyamory is about having the capacity and ability to love multiple people. It’s about breaking free of the confines of monogamy and letting love exist wherever it naturally grows.  Rules trample all over that concept. I see a lot of people get confused about what’s a rule and what’s an agreement. What you’ll notice in my examples is that rules affect your partners relationship with others. Agreement focuses on the interaction between you and your partner. They focus on your own personal needs and boundaries without impacting your partner’s other relationships. I hope you find these helpful!

The post Rules Vs. Agreements – Part I appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

When you play RPG’s (Role Playing Games), you generally start out as a level 1 character.  This means you can handle a sword or bow decently but you’re not really equipped to fight much more than some little goblins or a wild boar.  You have to play through a bunch of quests and get life experiences to level up and fight the bigger monsters. The game generally won’t give you any level 30 monster to kill when you’re a level 1. Well… they might.  If you do something really stupid. Like shooting an arrow at a gazebo. Ok sorry, I digress.  

Unfortunately, in real life, the Jealousy Mind Flayer is a level 30 monster and when you start your polyamory journey you’re starting out at level 1*.  You barely get a chance to start your journey and BAM!!! You’re standing there staring at a Level 30 Jealousy Mind Flayer. The scary part is that the Jealousy Mind Flayer (JMF) doesn’t ever actually kill you but instead it stuns you and then it takes control of your mind. It is trying to make you sabotage yourself until you’re alone and sad. These monsters are really twisted.
*Levels may vary 

Like most monsters, the more we know about them and the more we understand them the better equipped we are to fight them.  Here are some examples of ways the JMF will mind-fuck you. 

The JMF makes you believe that the other person your partner is dating is your competition.  In reality, the other person is someone who loves and adores your partner just as much as you and only wants them to be happy. Just like you do.

The JMF makes you believe that if your partner dates someone with a different gender than you, they won’t leave you. In reality, your partner is just as likely to leave you regardless of the person’s gender. 

The JMF will make you believe that it’s the other person that will pull your partner away from you.  In reality, the JMF is making it so you’re the one actually pushing your partner away.  

The JMF will make you believe that you need to hold onto your partner tighter so they can’t get away.  In reality, the JMF is making you suffocate them and not give them room to be free and happy.

The JMF will make you believe that you’re a big giant dumpster fire and you don’t deserve love.  In reality, your partner chooses to be with you because there’s a lot of really great things about you.

The JMF will make you believe that the only reason your partner would want to be with someone else is because they hate you and aren’t happy in their relationship. In reality, your partner simply craves even more love and connection in their life and it has nothing to do with you at all.

The JMF will make you believe that polyamory is the evil force that’s destroying your life.  In reality, it’s the JMF that is the evil force destroying your life.

These are a few examples – but there’s so many ways the JMF will try and destroy you. It is very creative and very insidious! The more information you have about the JMF the better equipped you will be to fight it.  You need to use the power of your mind to overcome the thoughts that the JMF is implanting in your head. Over time, the powers of the JFM will have less of an effect on you. You will gradually become stronger and more confident each time you fight the JMF.  Your emotional intelligence score will shoot up with every successful battle. Be aware, the JMF very rarely ever fully goes away. In fact, you might be coasting along just fine for quite some time and then that jerk shows up and tries to attack you again. However, as you level up on your journey, the JMF stays the same level. After some time and experience, as you’re attacked by the JMF, it will feel less like you’re being dragged over glass shards behind a truck and more like a little bee sting.  

Note: All you hardcore D&D folks. I know the mind flayer actually eats the victims brains and turns them into slaves. This is the Jealousy Mind Flayer. It’s different, ok?

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Here is a simple 4×4 Yes Test. Four simple rules and four simple questions. You’re not done with the test until you can answer yes to the 4 questions. If you’re checking in with your partner(s) regularly, the whole thing should take less than 10 minutes. This test leverages the power of good communication and should make navigating polyamory easier and more comfortable for everyone. It can help mitigate potential conflict on the front end through meaningful communication. In addition to using this for regular check in I also recommend you go through this anytime you might expect some potential conflict (date nights, trips, overnights, holidays, etc.). When going through the test, if either of you answer no to any of these, take a minute to talk it out until you feel like you can answer yes. When you can both answer yes to all these questions then you are in a great place to keep moving forward. Keep in mind that my tips are just that: tips. Every relationship is different and there’s always different agreements about how and what to communicate.

Rules:

1. Create a safe space. Agree to keep your emotions in check while you communicate through some hard conversations.
2. Share and Listen only. Don’t argue. Keep it in the back of your mind that there’s two perspectives and they won’t always meet in the middle.
3. Validate each other’s feelings even if you don’t understand them. Be ok with not always fully understanding them.
4. If you start to feel flustered and like you can’t talk rationally about the things being talked about, take some time to recenter yourself (verbally asking for a break). Before you take a break, promise yourself and your partner you will revisit the conversation soon (ideally the same day).

Questions:

1. Have you communicated expectations?

Tips: Setting expectations can be broad but for this example I’m going to use a scenario where one of you has an upcoming date night. You may be tempted to say you’ll be home at 10PM for your upcoming date night. You do this to make your partner feel better, but truthfully you might want to stay out as late as 2AM. If that’s the case, set the expectation that you’ll be home as late at 3AM. If you think there’s a small chance you might have sex, don’t say “We might have sex but I seriously doubt it.” just let them know you are going to have sex. Expectation setting can be a very powerful tool in mitigating hurt feelings.

2. Have you communicated feelings?

Tips: Below is a feeling chart that can help you navigate identifying your specific feelings. It’s another great tool to keep in your back pocket. Share how you’re feeling with your partner and why. Even if you’re just feeling content and nothing else. Make sure you each understand that your feelings are yours to own and that you’re just sharing them for consideration. Do not share your feelings with the expectation that your partner will change their behavior. That’s dangerous. If you want to see a behavior changed, address is explicitly. If you tell your partner that you’re feeling insecure do not expect them to cancel their plans because you’re feeling that way.

3. Have you communicated wants/needs?

Tips: Wants are bonus, needs are things you need. I want to see you 3 times a week, but I need to see you at least 1 time a week. Defining needs can be tricky but remember these 2 things: 1. Make sure your needs are directly related to YOU. Saying you need your partner to stop talking to someone because you’re feeling insecure is not a need. It’s a rule and it’s not cool. 2. Don’t generalize needs and be specific. “I need more physical touch” is too general. Try: “I need to make sure we make time to cuddle on our dates.”

4. Have you communicated concerns?

Tips: This can be kind of viewed as the problem solving conversation track. A good example of a concern is “I’m concerned that my trip to Dallas is going to cause you a lot of insecurity.” Another example can be “I’m concerned that you might have unprotected sex and not tell me because you’re afraid of how I might react.” Do not sit on these things. Work through them. You’ll be glad you did work through them before they became a bigger issue.

So much comfort can be found when you’re communicating and keeping one another on the same page. The simple act of saying out loud what you’re feeling can be surprisingly healing. When I’ve felt insecure and I shared that with my partners in a safe and constructive way it made me feel better. Many times we just need to feel heard. Use this as a simple tool to improve your communication in your relationships.

The post Polyamory Tool Belt – 4×4 Yes Test appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I’m going to be talking about hierarchy a lot in this article.  It’s a tricky topic so before I start, let’s start with the definition:

What is hierarchy? 

Hierarchy – a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority.

Is this something that happens when practicing polyamory?

All the time.  It is viewed in many circles as unethical as there’s usually unintended consequences and people get hurt.  It’s something to be aware of when navigating your relationships. Some people embrace being hierarchical and are, at least, honest about it. This is a little better than people who deny being hierarchical at all but actually are in every single way. 

Do I, the author, practice hierarchy?

I suppose I have a version of hierarchy in my relationship with my NP (nesting partner – someone you live with).  For example, I see my NP more than I would see someone else I was dating. That’s an inherent fact because my NP lives in the same house I do. Could that be considered a form of hierarchy? Possibly.  My NP gets the privilege (or maybe not always a privilege) of spending more time with me than anyone else I would date. I’ll accept that could be viewed as a form of hierarchy. On the surface, there seems to only be two sides to the coin: hierarchical and non-hierarchical. What about those of us that live somewhere in the middle?  Couples, throuples, or polycules that share housing or children and have some inherent hierarchy but are otherwise pretty autonomous. Does that mean only a non-nested polyamory person can truly be non-hierarchical? Perhaps. I really don’t have an answer and frankly I feel like the conversation of hierarchy can be talked in circles. 

Can you even quantify hierarchy?

You’re probably not supposed to, but I’m going to anyway.  Like almost all things that exist, hierarchy isn’t as black and white as it may seem on the surface.  Here is an arbitrary scale that I came up with that has no research or scientific backing at all. It’s still pretty awesome though and I love doing this kind of stuff:  

Anybody that didn’t pick up on it, I totally used the scale for hazardous materials. 

Why?

Because the higher you are on the scale the more hazardous you are to potential and existing partners.  

Well, I am a pretty solid 1.  Let me give you a hypothetical example to explain why:

I have my NP that I’ve been with for almost 3 years and we have a house together in South Carolina. I have been dating someone in Maine for about a year. They want me to move to Maine to be closer to them.  Logistically, it’s not impossible to do. However, my NP does not want to move to Maine. Sorry. I’m not going to move to Maine.

On the flip side: I make my own schedule, date whoever I want to date, have sex whenever and with whoever I want to have sex with and my NP has no veto power at all. In fact, we even have our own completely separate living spaces in the house that we own together (perks of buying a house post-polyam).

I try really hard to not be hierarchical.  I would love to be a 0 but I don’t really know how to accomplish that.  I’m certainly not going to leave my amazing relationship with my NP. I try to pay attention to my language and try not to use phrases like  “primary partner” and “secondary partner”. I’ll profess to the world that I practice egalitarian polyamory. And yet, despite having all of this autonomy and using specific language, I don’t think I could ever say I’m truly 100% non-hierarchical.  I’m good with a 1, though. That’s a good goal for most people. Most of us would struggle to ever be a 0 without adopting some RA (relationship anarchy) principles.   At the end of the day, just own where you’re at in your journey and be honest to those around you.  The less you let outside people influence your relationships the happier and healthier your relationships will be. 

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