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Story Time!

It’s 11PM and the lights are off. Taylor is laying in bed next to her partner Jordan. Taylor lays there with nothing but the darkness of night and her own thoughts. Taylor rubs her own shoulders and neck hoping to dissolve away the pain from the day. Taylor didn’t do anything different today than she does any other day to cause the soreness. The self massage is part of the normal nightly routine for her. See, Taylor happens to live in a box where the ceilings stand at 5 1/2 feet tall yet Taylor is 5’ 11”.  A whole 5 inches taller than the ceiling. Her partner Jordan is 5’ 4” and doesn’t understand why she gripes so much about her neck and shoulders. What’s interesting is that about half of the people she knows don’t quite fit in their boxes. Some only have to slouch mildly to get around and others, like Jordan, walk freely around the boxes with hardly any thought of how low the ceilings are. Taylor thinks short ceilings in a box is normal because she grew up being told that everyone’s box is short and that’s just the way it is. Taylor had this nagging feeling that she wasn’t meant to be in this box but, again, everyone around her told her it was normal. Taylor has been there so long that she has resigned herself to this just being how life is. A perpetual existence in a place that she didn’t quite fit. Taylor feels like her very basic needs are being met so she should just be happy and appreciative for having her very own box. Taylor closes her eyes and starts to fall asleep as the dull ache fades.

Taylor opens her eyes to a new day. She stretches as far as her body will allow knowing that being horizontal is the only way she can stretch her whole body at once. She reaches over to put her hand on Jordan to feel his presence but he has already gone to another part of the box. Taylor stumbles out of bed and keeps her head low. She makes her way to the bathroom and sits down on the toilet. She rolls her head around her neck several times taking in the small moment of the day where she is relieved from the slouching caused by the low ceilings of her box. Just as she finishes up her morning routine, she hears her phone buzz from the next room over. Taylor wonders who in the world would be calling her this early. The doors being even shorter than the ceiling plus her morning muscles cause her to stumble through the door and fall on her knees. All she can think is “Why are the doors so small????”  She thinks about such things regularly but never really actually tries to answer her own questions.  That’s just the way life is.

She picks up her phone from her nightstand and sees it’s her little brother Nick. Hardly little, Nick is 6’ 1” and much like Taylor is considered a giant in a society where their boxes were built for others but not for them. Nick still lives at home and hasn’t been able to get his own box to live in yet. He’s anxious to get his own box and has been doing a ton of research. He tells Taylor that while doing research he found that boxes exist with 8’ ceilings. He told her that people actually live in these boxes and it’s the real deal. He can’t contain his excitement and Taylor can feel his smile through the phone. Taylor laughs almost feeling embarrassed for his naivety.  She tells him it’s probably a scam and to not get his hopes up.  She’s never heard of such a thing and feels like there’s no way that actually exists.  Surely she would have heard of it if it did.  She tells him even if it does, it’s not how people live.  She could feel Nick’s smile fade through the phone.  She can tell he feels defeated but she really didn’t want him to get hopes up.   She tells him she has to start her day and ends the call.

Taylor sits down on the bed staring at the wall.  Minutes pass as she just continues to stare blankly at the wall. She thinks to herself “That has to be a scam, right? Nobody actually lives in a box with 8 foot ceilings.” She’s almost in shock.  She picks up her phone and calls her friend Alex. She apologizes for calling so early and tells Alex about her conversation with Nick.  Taylor is looking for Alex to confirm that no such box exists and that it’s just a scam.  Alex is barely 5’ and the thought of 8’ ceilings in a box seems unreal to her. Alex tells Taylor that humans aren’t meant to live in boxes with 8’ ceilings. Alex whispers to Taylor, almost as if she’s afraid someone might hear, “It’s just wrong and unnatural.” Taylor asks Alex what makes her say that. Alex simply says “That’s just the way it is and it’s been that way for a long time.”

It’s several days later and Taylor can’t stop thinking about boxes that have 8’ ceilings. She’s laying in bed rubbing her neck and shoulders. Tall ceilings are consuming her every waking thought and have even been creeping into her dreams. Her life would just make a lot more sense in a box with 8’ ceilings. Is she selfish? Lots of other people are living with short ceilings just fine. If half the people out there don’t fit under the current 5 1/2 foot ceilings then why is everyone living in boxes with 5 1/2 foot ceilings? Is there a logical reason? A biological reason? She has so many questions. Is she just weird and broken for thinking that her life would be better living in a box that she actually fits in? 

She turns to Jordan, ready to talk about what’s been on her mind. She’s terrified of his reaction after talking to Alex and being treated like there was something seriously wrong with her. She takes a deep breath and nervously blurts out the question. She asks Jordan how he would feel about maybe looking into getting a box with 8’ ceilings. Jordan is immediately defensive. “Are you not happy?” he asks. “Is our box not good enough for you?” he chides. He can’t fathom wanting taller ceilings when he’s perfectly happy. Taylor just kind of laughs to play it off as a joke. She told him Nick told her about boxes with taller ceilings but it’s probably just a scam and she’s never even seen such a thing.  Taylor lays her head on the pillow staring at the same wall she lost herself in after talking to Nick.  She’s beating herself up for even considering it. She feels incredibly selfish and embarrassed that she even brought it up. She is convinced that something is wrong with her and she’s actually just broken. 

Taylor spends the rest of her life only being able to imagine what it would be like to live inside a box that she fit in.  She doesn’t fully understand why she can’t.  All she knows is that society says she’s not supposed to live in that box.  She tries to rationalize it by trying to figure out why society says she can’t live in that box.  She never finds her answer. She never understands.  She grows old and dies in the box that doesn’t fit.

I know that wasn’t an ideal ending.  It’s actually kind of sad, right? 

This is how it can go for a lot of people who learn about polyamory and want to explore it (or replace polyamory with anything society deems wrong with no explanation).  I truly believe some people can be genuinely happy in a monogamous relationship.  It’s just the way their brain is wired.  The same way Taylor’s DNA decided her height.  Some people are perfectly content with exploring a single close intimate connection while others crave a deep-romantic-meaningful connection with more than one person. Sadly, society has only given the stamp of approval for the monogamy box.  Anything that deviates from monogamy is considered sinful and should not exist.

I wrote this for anyone who has learned that polyamory was a thing but felt stuck by a partner, friends, career, family or just society in general.  I know when I first learned about polyamory it seemed 100% unobtainable.  Much like Taylor, my mind was completely blown when I learned about this thing I never knew existed.  I learned about polyamory and then I sat on it for several months before bringing it up to my partner at the time.  It was scary and I beat myself up a lot.  To be who I am and be polyamorous I had to fight for it because it was something I wanted.  I lost people, I got hurt and I hurt others.  I had to make a lot of hard decisions but I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to live in a box that doesn’t feel right for you.  It’s hard and scary to leave the only box you’ve known for so long but the feeling of living an authentic life is like no other.

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The post Hello. My Name is Lucas. I’m a Recovering People Pleaser. appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

My name is Lucas Weeks, I’m polyamorous and I am in love with more than one person. That’s it, the cat is officially out of the bag.  I started this blog 8 months ago and I kept my name out of everything on it since I started it.  I felt the need to hide who I was.  I felt the need to do this for one reason: because of you.  Maybe not you specifically, but employers in general.   It’s actually pretty common that many of us polyamorous folks feel a strong need to hide who we are because of our employers.  Most of us are already out to our families and friends, but we tread lightly in public for fear of retribution by our employer.  The reason being is that polyamory is not a protected class.  This means we can be fired for… wait for it… Loving more than one person.

You may have googled my name and found my blog.  I’m even going to add tags in hopes that you find this post before anything else when searching my name.  Why do I want so badly for you to find this?  I’m putting all my cards on the table. I want you to know who I really am as a person.  It’s extremely exhausting to hide who I am in a space that I spend a third of my life.  I’m not asking to walk down the halls with a bullhorn announcing to everyone that I’m polyamrous. Anybody that knows me knows I don’t like to draw attention to myself and I generally like to fly under the radar.  However, I also don’t want to be in constant fear that the wrong person will find out and I might lose my job.  Monogamous people get to confide in their colleagues when celebrating things like awesome first dates and marriages.  Why should we have to walk around on eggshells and constantly be afraid that someone might find out that we… wait for it… simply love more than one person?

I hope that when you learn I’m polyamorous that you have, at a minimum, a neutral response about it.  Perhaps you could care less and all that matters is my merits as an employee and my work experience.  If that’s the case, then great!  That’s really all I want.  If you read this and have an extremely negative response, I’ll be honest and say I might not want to work for you anyway.  It’s my hope that I work for someone who can appreciate individuality and someone who isn’t afraid to go against the grain sometimes.  Realistically, you probably already have polyamorous people working for you.  No joke. We are seriously EVERYWHERE! In fact, I’d bet $100 you have someone in your contacts list that is polyamorous and you don’t even know it.  Just saying. 

As someone who is polyamorous and knows so many other people who are too, I want you to know that we’re all pretty great humans.  Most of us have a lot of compassion, patience and understanding.  We can manage a calendar like a stay-at-home parent with 14 children.  We’re also naturally very effective communicators, team players and are all about some healthy conflict resolution.  We practice radical honesty when we are in a space that we feel safe in.  Don’t even get me started about how good we are at thinking outside the box.  It’s kind of our thing.  Seriously, there’s nothing about being polyamorous that makes us bad employees.  I’d argue that being polyamorous only enhances our skill set as an employee and it should be seen as a positive thing! 

One reason you would hold this against us is because you’re scared of having someone “different” around.  To that, I’d say don’t be scared.  Having a diversity of backgrounds on your team can be a great thing.  Alternatively, you might assume we’re all just rabid sex addicts just looking for our next victim.  You are sadly mistaken there. I know a lot of polyamorous people who don’t even enjoy sex and I know even more who won’t even touch someone without asking consent first.  It’s a stereotype and a very wrong one at that.  We are just as kind and human as anyone else is.  The only difference is that we allow ourselves to be open to exploring multiple connections in an ethical way.  It’s really not even that big of a deal when you think about it.

If you read this whole thing and it still freaks you out, go ahead and throw my resume in the trash or fire me.  I just want to be me and I don’t want to live in fear that you’ll figure out who I am and destroy my livelihood because of something as simple as loving more than one person.  If you can see that it’s not even that big of a deal then thank you so much for your open mindedness.  You are the kind of person I hope to work for or continue working for.

Sincerely,

Lucas Weeks

The post Dear Current or Future Employers appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

This triggers a back and forth about who has it worse in the dating world, men or women. I stumbled across a post like that about 6 weeks ago and posted something on my Facebook page to the effect of “They both have their own struggles so it shouldn’t even be a debate.”  The amazing women in my life let me know that I was only half right. I was right in that it shouldn’t even be a debate. The part I was wrong about is the word struggle. See, struggle underplays what they have to deal with. If a woman walks down the street and someone says to her “Wanna Fuck?” Do we say she struggled? No. We say she was harassed.  

I try really hard to listen to the people in my life, especially when it’s coming from multiple sources.  In summary, my friends collectively told me that I couldn’t even comprehend how bad it can be for women and I shouldn’t talk about things I don’t know about (in a gentle but firm way).  If you know me at all, you know that I try really hard to understand different perspectives in the world. I took a deep breath, collected my crumbled ego and opened my mind to what they were saying.  When I did that, something started to shift as I was on dating sites. I started reading dating profiles differently. While I always noticed women would put things in their profile like “No, I don’t want to see your dick so don’t ask.” it carried a different weight now.  I started noticing how consistent of a message that was across the board. So many of women’s profiles are filled with verbiage trying desperately to help us guys connect with them. How sad is it that women have to put things on their profile to literally beg for basic human decency?

A week after my initial post where I got set straight, I posted something on my Facebook saying I wanted to learn more about this. I asked for people’s stories and screenshots if they were comfortable sharing them.  I received ssssoooooo many. Way more than I could have even imagined. I know everyone will have a different experience on dating sites and this may not be everyone’s experience but just the fact that I got so much feedback about these interactions told me that this was a systemic problem.

Just for argument’s sake, let’s take the blatant harassment that women receive off the table for a minute.  Let’s address the issue with men perceiving the women’s experience on dating sites as being easier because they get more attention. Good news guys, I did the work for you.  I had a friend who messaged me and proposed I use their pictures to make a profile on OK Cupid (Thank you for that!). I thought “Ooooohhhhh, an experiment! Fun! I’m going to learn so much!” And so Jess was born. An attractive, alternative looking female in the Greenville, SC area that likes board games.  I made the profile pretty neutral and didn’t say anything sexual at all. I put enough to not look spammy but not so much it would discourage people from reading my profile. Making a fake profile already caused me some personal moral dilemmas but I promised myself I wouldn’t “Like ” anyone’s profile or interact with anybody as to not give someone false hope.  I fully understand that this will limit my experience and what kind of data I could collect but I was ready to at least scratch the surface. I started a running journal where I would take notes every time I checked in on there. I was eager to see what happened so I created the profile and then hopped back on a couple of hours later. This was my first journal entry:

“Just a couple of hours in and 99+ likes and 26 intros.   Not even 1 message that seemed remotely thought out or like it wasn’t copied and pasted.  Most were “Hey Sexy” or “Hey Baby” or “Damn you sexy” and sometimes people couldn’t even be bothered to put more than one word.  I’d literally just get a “sexy” and nothing else. It made me feel like I was walking down the streets of New York and just being cat called by a bunch of random guys.  It didn’t feel good and I’m already not looking forward to this.”

About 6.5 hours later and the numbers had tripled. I logged in and had a similar experience to the one I did before.  I didn’t even bother screen-shotting because there was so much redundancy. I couldn’t click on the profiles and pass them fast enough.  

Here’s some sreenshots from day 1:

I found myself getting excited when I saw somebody would write something more than “Hey baby wud”. At one point in my experiment, I got an intro message that actually had some length! I was so excited and thought “Maybe this will be the exception!” :

Nope.  I was wrong  I remember just scratching my head wondering where on my profile I would have indicated that I needed to be pleased in every way.  

I will say that a very small percentage of people seemed to have at least read the profile to some degree.  It was the exception and not the rule. Even then, they might only go as far as asking me my favorite board games.  Those interactions were grossly outnumbered, though. 

Since I did limit myself to only one dating app and didn’t interact with anyone, nobody would have had much of an opportunity to send me unsolicited pictures or make sexual advances.  Regardless of that, a lot of messages had undertones that indicated they could have quickly gone that direction.  

So it’s about a week later into my experiment and I’m in the 1500’s of profile likes and have combed at least 200 intro messages.  At this point, I just can’t even be bothered and I dread having to sign into Jess’s profile. I’m anxious to get back to my own dating profile where it’s nice and quiet.  My own personal dating profile started to feel like a safe space where I can be patient and wait for quality interactions instead of having to comb through so much garbage.  With that simple exercise, I can unequivocally say that it’s not even comparable. Being Jess took substantially more work and I wasn’t even messaging anybody! 

The whole experience made me think of this analogy: Imagine you’re checking out a brochure for a cruise.  You’re reading the brochure and it says men only get to eat once every 2 days but get a large satisfying 6 course meal.  Women can eat whenever they want but only have access to uncooked whale carcass. Would you, a guy, think “Those women are so lucky! They can eat all the food they want!”? Of course you wouldn’t.  Hopefully you’d opt for a better cruise option but I think you get the gist. More isn’t always better!

So I could probably end this blog post here.  I mean… point made. Women have it way worse than men.  I know that if I had a bunch of girls sending me those kinds of messages I would feel reduced to nothing more than just a bag of meat and bones.  I’ve never once felt objectified on my normal dating profile as a cis man in the 5+ years I’ve been on and off various dating profiles. It didn’t even take me 2 hours to get objectified 20+ times as a female.  Unfortunately, it gets worse for women than my little silly experiment. I would be so completely remiss to finish this blog without talking about the real problem women face every single day. Harassment. Harassment in all forms.  Dodging social media blocks, dick pics, sexual advances and even stalking. I even had a friend share a story and a screenshot with me about how a guy messaged her discussing pedophelia and incest with his underage daughter. Yes, she reported him but sadly I’m sure nothing was done.

I’ve felt many emotions through this process.  A lot of times I’ve felt anger when I saw screenshots.  I’ve felt confused and found myself just wondering why people would say the things they do.  However, there’s a predominant emotion when I’m talking to my friends and hearing their stories: I feel sad.  I feel sad that society separates digital harassment from in-person harassment. I feel sad that my friends have become complacent just to cope.  I felt sad just the other night when I received this message from a new internet friend I was getting to know: 

The fact that this even had to be something someone said to me really bummed me out.  A month ago, I don’t think it would have impacted me the same way that it did.

I understand it probably takes a lot of energy to fight this monstrosity of a problem.  It’s easier to just block people or just forgo dating sites all together as some of my friends have done.  I really wish I had a simple solution to stop this. I know states like Texas have started criminalizing unsolicited dick pics.  It’s a step in the right direction but it’s not enough. I’ve noticed that more of my friends are putting these guys on blast on social media.  It’s a very brave thing for them to do but it’s a risk that not everyone is comfortable taking. The bottom line is that there has to be more consequences for harassing behavior. I wish the companies hosting the various platforms for communication invested in a way to tackle this problem better.  These men are acting under the guise of free speech. 

Before I conclude this blog post, I want you to go through these screenshots and see what the women in our life are getting on a daily basis.

For the record, this isn’t even all of them. Not even half.  Many of them were full length conversations. Some of them had the harasser defending the harassment.  I hope this post and the screenshots are enough to make a point that it’s really hard out there for women.  So guys, let’s do better. Let’s REALLY listen when the women in our life talk about how hard it can be for them out there.  They aren’t exaggerating and they aren’t “lucky” to be getting so much attention. If you’re reading this and you could be one of these guys in these screenshots then please stop.  Not because you’re giving other guys a bad name, but you’re actually harassing the human beings at the other end of those messages. Before you message a stranger something or send a picture, ask yourself if you would walk up to them in a grocery store and say what you’re about to say.  If the answer is no, then don’t send that message.  

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You may be wondering why there’s a picture of rocking chairs from Cracker Barrel. I’ll get there so you can understand why. But first, we need to start 15 years ago.

It was 2005, I was 21 years old and was engaged to the woman of my dreams.  I was so excited, but despite my outward confidence, inside I was scared. I remember all of the adults in my life asking me “Are you sure? The rest of your life is a long time!” And I would say things like “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.” I was lying.  I wasn’t sure. I had always struggled with commitment and I thought the only way to fix it was to just commit. When you’re scared of spiders, you push past your fears and hold the tarantula, right? Marriage was my tarantula and I was ready to hold it. 

As we’re growing up and learning about relationships we’re taught that if we truly love someone we will not have feelings for someone else.  It’s taught as a fact and anybody that deviates is just simply a slimeball of a human. While dating my fiance I had feelings for someone else.  This meant that I was one of those slimeball humans. This “other” person existed in my life as a close friend and someone I talked to regularly.  I had known her for several years and we were close. Even though I never “cheated” on my fiance with this friend, I felt like a piece of shit for loving my friend in a more-than-friend way while I was engaged to be married.   

It’s 2006 and I get married.  My feelings for my childhood friends should now cease, right?  Boy was I wrong. Sometimes I would lay in bed wondering to myself “Am I really never going to get to connect with another person on a deep intimate level for the rest of my life?” and it made me sad and scared.  It was a weight I carried in the world of monogamy. I was confused because I loved my wife a lot. I was attracted to her, we had fun together and I was happy with her. Why in the world would I have feelings for anyone else.  I just kept telling myself I was broken and I had commitment issues. I would tear myself down and tell myself that if my brain worked like it was supposed to I would be perfectly happy.  

Little did I know I was a square peg trying to be put into a round hole.  Those late night thoughts of not being able to connect with another human manifested as a symptom of indifference.  My wife could have broken up with me at any time and I would be perfectly fine. I obviously didn’t subscribe to the “There’s only one fish in the sea.” mentality.

I sit on all of these heavy feelings for 5 years but I continue to stay faithful and persever.  It’s now 2010 and we are divorced. It didn’t end because of monogamy but because we got married too young.   I wasn’t sad and I didn’t even cry. I told people I was sad because I thought that’s how I should feel and how they would expect me to feel.  The truth is, the emotion at the forefront was relief. Only now can I look back and see that I was finally let out of my cage of monogamy and relief overshadowed any grief. Marriage was so uncomfortable for me that  I swore I was never ever getting married again.

It’s 2011 and someone new comes into my life.  I told them from early on that I had no interest in getting married again and I wasn’t sure what exactly I wanted.  Despite that I still found myself on the normal  relationship escalator and was soon deeply entwined in monogamy again.  I had a lot of the same feelings of indifference as I did in my marriage.  Sometimes finding myself hoping my partner would leave me. I thought I was incapable of envisioning a future with anyone.  Maybe I was going to just end up alone in a van down by the river for the rest of my life. 

It’s now 2015 and we are sitting in front of the TV scrolling through documentaries available on netflix.  Like most couples scrolling through netflix, we had no idea what we wanted to watch. We decided we were in the mood for a documentary. We went back and forth about which ones we wanted to watch but ultimately we landed on a documentary about polyamory.  I had never heard of this “polyamory” thing but we gave it a go. It’s not even 15 minutes into it and. 

My. Brain. Exploded. 

I’ve obviously heard of swinging before.  That concept is pretty prevalent and well known in our culture.  As a demisexual that’s not really something that ever interested me.  I wanted something much deeper than that. I was watching these people have deep meaningful relationships with more than one person and I was learning the language for that.  

It’s the next day and I open my browser on my computer and type in the word “Polyamory”. The topic quickly consumed me.  One of the first things I found was a TED Talk on polyamory.  I found an amazingly insightful polyamory comic called Kimchi Cuddles that was both education and entertaining.  The deeper I plunged into learning, the more I started to not see myself as broken, but just wired differently.  I started to see that society was trying to put me in a box I didn’t belong. Most importantly, it meant I wasn’t broken or a slimeball of a human being.  My partner and I then had the daunting task of converting an established monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one. I’ll spare you the gruesome details of that endeavor and just tell you we broke up a couple of years later. 

It’s post documentary and I now have the luxury of starting off all of my future relationships under the pretense of polyamory.  No more trying to fit into the box of monogamy that made me feel bad about myself. I could now love someone fully and still keep my heart and mind open to making other connections.  Something really insane happened to me one day along my polyam journey. I did something that I thought I was completely incapable of. It happened so fast and was so arbitrary that it took me by surprise and I was completely overwhelmed with emotion.  It was a beautiful spring morning in 2018. I was sitting on the patio of a Cracker Barrel with my partner. I looked over and saw an elderly couple sitting in rocking chairs and holding hands. It made my heart happy and it was really adorable. I looked at my partner and pointed to the sweet elderly couple and I said “That’s going to be us one day.” (Of course I added “With our other partners, too.” because Kitchen Table Poly FTW). She looked at me like she couldn’t believe what I just said.  We had been dating for over a year and I never talked about a future together.  Did I just imagine a future with someone? What is happening? Is this what it feels like to not be indifferent?  We laughed and joked about this milestone for me. However, I’ll never forget it and neither will my partner. We even took a picture of that special day so we could remember.  Here is the day that I was no longer afraid of commitment.

The post How Polyamory Fixed my Fear of Commitment appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

When you play RPG’s (Role Playing Games), you generally start out as a level 1 character.  This means you can handle a sword or bow decently but you’re not really equipped to fight much more than some little goblins or a wild boar.  You have to play through a bunch of quests and get life experiences to level up and fight the bigger monsters. The game generally won’t give you any level 30 monster to kill when you’re a level 1. Well… they might.  If you do something really stupid. Like shooting an arrow at a gazebo. Ok sorry, I digress.  

Unfortunately, in real life, the Jealousy Mind Flayer is a level 30 monster and when you start your polyamory journey you’re starting out at level 1*.  You barely get a chance to start your journey and BAM!!! You’re standing there staring at a Level 30 Jealousy Mind Flayer. The scary part is that the Jealousy Mind Flayer (JMF) doesn’t ever actually kill you but instead it stuns you and then it takes control of your mind. It is trying to make you sabotage yourself until you’re alone and sad. These monsters are really twisted.
*Levels may vary 

Like most monsters, the more we know about them and the more we understand them the better equipped we are to fight them.  Here are some examples of ways the JMF will mind-fuck you. 

The JMF makes you believe that the other person your partner is dating is your competition.  In reality, the other person is someone who loves and adores your partner just as much as you and only wants them to be happy. Just like you do.

The JMF makes you believe that if your partner dates someone with a different gender than you, they won’t leave you. In reality, your partner is just as likely to leave you regardless of the person’s gender. 

The JMF will make you believe that it’s the other person that will pull your partner away from you.  In reality, the JMF is making it so you’re the one actually pushing your partner away.  

The JMF will make you believe that you need to hold onto your partner tighter so they can’t get away.  In reality, the JMF is making you suffocate them and not give them room to be free and happy.

The JMF will make you believe that you’re a big giant dumpster fire and you don’t deserve love.  In reality, your partner chooses to be with you because there’s a lot of really great things about you.

The JMF will make you believe that the only reason your partner would want to be with someone else is because they hate you and aren’t happy in their relationship. In reality, your partner simply craves even more love and connection in their life and it has nothing to do with you at all.

The JMF will make you believe that polyamory is the evil force that’s destroying your life.  In reality, it’s the JMF that is the evil force destroying your life.

These are a few examples – but there’s so many ways the JMF will try and destroy you. It is very creative and very insidious! The more information you have about the JMF the better equipped you will be to fight it.  You need to use the power of your mind to overcome the thoughts that the JMF is implanting in your head. Over time, the powers of the JFM will have less of an effect on you. You will gradually become stronger and more confident each time you fight the JMF.  Your emotional intelligence score will shoot up with every successful battle. Be aware, the JMF very rarely ever fully goes away. In fact, you might be coasting along just fine for quite some time and then that jerk shows up and tries to attack you again. However, as you level up on your journey, the JMF stays the same level. After some time and experience, as you’re attacked by the JMF, it will feel less like you’re being dragged over glass shards behind a truck and more like a little bee sting.  

Note: All you hardcore D&D folks. I know the mind flayer actually eats the victims brains and turns them into slaves. This is the Jealousy Mind Flayer. It’s different, ok?

The post The Jealousy Mind Flayer appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Before polyamory, I was a serial monogamist and had been in a few long term relationships starting from when I was 17. If you exclude all my middle school and high school relationships (can we even REALLY call them all relationships?) then I have not dated much at all as an adult. In a lot of ways I was pretty inexperienced entering the dating field when taking on the polyamory label at 30 years old. I’m still learning so much with each new connection I make. I know many of my peers can relate to this feeling. It’s scary enough to be single and monogamous as an adult, but now I had to learn to navigate a whole new set of rules. It’s almost like having to learn how to walk again!

Through my polyamory journey, I’ve dated a handful of wonderful people. Each one providing me a great opportunity for self growth and self realization. Every single deeper connection I make and explore I take a world of wisdom away from that experience. I’m very grateful for that and I’ve been very fortunate to still have many of those people in my life as friends despite the romantic parts dissolving. They gave me their time and energy and I always enjoy that connection with them in the moment but….

…something seems to keep happening…

…It’s a pattern…

…I’m hurting people… 

See, I start feeling some negative feeling and I throw my walls up so quick neither of us really knows what happened. If I start to feel hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, scared or some variation of all four then I start to pull back.

I’m a visual person and I imagine my walls in a somewhat literal sense. Let me paint this picture for you: Imagine a giant fortified castle. It’s surrounded by a huge moat and can only be entered via a giant iron door that seconds as a bridge over the moat. The walls surrounding the castle are 100 feet tall and 20 feet deep. By default, I’m inside my castle and the drawbridge door is always closed so nobody can enter. I mostly hang out in a hidden secret dungeon where my heart is locked up inside a box for safe keeping. Also, there’s guards at every layer leading down to the secret dungeon. Also, I’m in a full suit of armor. Also, I command a flight of dragons! Ok, ok, you get the picture. Anyway, sometimes when I’m feeling bold I’ll come out of my dungeon and peak over the castle walls. Someone might catch my interest and I’ll let them through the castle walls to get to know them better. I start to feel comfortable with this person but I simultaneously feel really nervous. Then, with just the slightest feeling of uneasiness I yell “GGGGUUUAAAARRRRRDDDDSSSS!!! TAKE THEM OOOOUUUTTT!!! TAKE THEM OUT OF THE CASTLE!!!!!!!!” and I run back into my secret hidden dungeon and close the door to my castle.

I can identify times in my journey where this response was warranted.  It kept me out of relationships that would have been bad for me. I’ve patted myself on the back and congratulated myself on learning to avoid people that would foster unhealthy relationships.  There’s also been times where I’ve done this to help protect other people. Maybe I have the foresight to see that we aren’t a good match and I’m just mitigating the inevitable break-up further down the road.  The problem is that sometimes I do it because I’m just scared of getting hurt.  

How could anyone fault me for protecting myself? How could someone call it a toxic trait? It’s purely defensive and I never intend to hurt the people I get close to.

The reality is that it’s a toxic trait that does hurt people and it is cloaked in self care. It’s something I need to be cognizant of as I pursue future relationships.

Someone recently called me an expert at self preservation. I can see why they would think that. I know myself well and I’m good at asking for what I need and I’m also good at asking for and enforcing boundaries to protect myself. However, that preservation comes at a cost.

Here’s the million dollar question: When does having walls stop being healthy and start becoming self sabotaging and toxic to others? Honestly, I wish I could tell you but I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I’ve teetered on both sides of this. Like all things in life, I need to find the balance. I’m going to continue working on this part of myself. All things in life are about finding the sweet spot. This is something I’m actively working on and have been for the last year (Thanks to a dear friend who totally called me out. You know who you are). Currently, I’m striving for a space between being an expert at self preservation and the person who loves with reckless abandon.

This was a very vulnerable post but I shared this because sometimes our toxic traits aren’t so apparent. We might have to dig through the surface to find them. I encourage everyone to always be cognizant of your behaviors that cause others pain. It’s the only way we can be better to those around us. <3

The post Walls – My Hidden Toxic Trait appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Wait?  The other side of what?  What does that even mean?  Well, I’m not dead and this isn’t a pop song or a Netflix original series.  This is real life. We are all on the other side of something, right? You might be on the other side of college, cancer or some other life event that you’ve experienced.  We all have our own experiences and have had to make choices in difficult times. This gives us a lot of wisdom from hindsight so we can learn and grow. In this post I want to share some wisdom and tell you about what it’s like being on the other side of an emotionally abusive relationship. It is my hope that just one person stumbles across this and decides to take steps to take control of their situation and do the scary things they need to do.

I want to preface this with acknowledging that it still feels weird to even say “emotionally abusive” because I know that at this person’s core, they aren’t bad.  They are broken and damaged and need understanding…

…wait…

…stop…

See what I just did there?

I already started to defend them. Yup, I’m also a textbook emotional abuse victim. It took me more than a year after the breakup to even admit that there was emotional abuse.  When I first started reading about emotional abuse and what the profile of the abuser and the victim look like, I felt totally called out. It’s true, most abusers don’t know they are being abusive and aren’t always inherently bad people.  On the flip side, victims can’t be fully dissolved of their part in the dynamic either. I don’t mean they deserved it. Nobody deserves to be in that situation. Ever. However, as a victim, I had to look at the behaviors and patterns that got me into that situation and kept me there so I could break those patterns.  In my case, there was a level of codependency and later I understood myself to be a passive codependent.  I also had a diminished sense of self and a flawed mindset about relationships. I heard so many times growing up that “No relationship is perfect.” or “Relationships are a lot of hard work.”  Those are both true statements. Instead of taking them the way they were meant to be taken, I interpreted them in a very dangerous way. I heard “Most relationships are crappy and nobody is truly happy most of the time. If you’re happy and not doing a lot of work then something is wrong.”  That’s messed up, right? Well, brains can be jerks sometimes.

What was it like being an emotionally abusive relationship?

In my relationship, I was forced to walk on eggshells around everything.  This was exhausting. Spending time with friends without them caused conflict.  Friending people on facebook they didn’t approve of first caused conflict. Throwing something in the trash that belonged in the recycle caused conflict.  I even had to provide the right number of ice cubes when bringing them a cup of water. They would yell at me and say not-nice things and then apologize later when they cooled down and told me to dismiss everything they said because they didn’t mean it.  So, hindsight, why in the world would I stay in a situation like that? Whenever someone was bold enough to confront me about my relationship and the way they observed me being treated I would spew the same canned lines:

• “They struggle with mental illness.”
• “I’m certainly not easy to love.”
• “You have to take the good with the bad.”
• “Everyone has their quirks.”
• “They just likes things a certain way.”
• “I’m just as guilty because I put up with it.”
• “Well, it’s not like they hit me.”

(Some of these sound sensible on the surface, but if you hear yourself when reading those then please look deeper.)

Ultimately, I decided to leave because I found myself hoping they would leave me.  That wasn’t fair to either of us. So I did it. I left that relationship. It was a very scary thing to do.  It wasn’t amicable and they were extremely upset. When I told them I wanted out of the relationship they told me  “YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE THAT DECISION!” When you take control away from an abuser it can be a really scary thing for them.  And as I walked out the door, there were things being thrown and I could hear glass shattering. I felt sick to my stomach and I was actually kind of scared of what they might do.  All the things I was afraid of happening, happened. But, hey? I survived. I’m on the other side and it was a very good decision for me in a lot of ways. I know that in their narrative I am the bad person.  I abandoned them and wasted six years of their life. In my narrative, I just simply outgrew them. I learned that it’s OK to outgrow people and move on. I know that growing up we are all told that a relationship ending equals failure.  In my case, it was a huge success and one that has opened up an amazing new chapter full of happy and healthy relationships. The other side is beautiful and amazing and while it takes a lot of hard decisions to get there I want you to know that it’s totally worth it.

What Now?

Read This:

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame – This is a nicely laid out article and a great tool to have in your toolbelt. Look through and see if your partner does several things on this list. If they do, take the time to research and learn more about emotional abuse. Once you’ve done that, read it again and see if YOU do anything on this list (I know I checked a couple of the boxes). You can also use this as a guide to keep toxic behaviors in check on both sides.

If you’re in danger and need help getting out of your situation then Go Here or call 1-800-799-7233 or (TTY) 1-800-787-3224.

The post Hello From The Other Side appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Dear Couple Who Is New To Polyamory,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that when you ask for advice it feels like you’re being attacked.  I’m sorry that your new venture into this exciting thing feels like a world of judgement.  I know it’s hard to navigate these feelings because I was once new to polyamory. I can remember feeling like people didn’t understand my situation.  I knew I wasn’t a bad person and I cared about people. I knew I had nothing but good intentions. Now, with the gift of hindsight, I can see how naive I was.  My naivety hurt people even when I was very clear about my circumstances of being new to polyamory. 

Most of the time when we, the seasoned polyam person is giving advice, it’s because we made many mistakes already.  Most of us left a trail of broken hearts and hurt feelings because we didn’t listen. We don’t want to see other people making the same mistakes we made so we try desperately to get through to you.  This advice can come across to you as condescending or off-base. I promise, it’s not. There is a lot of value in listening to your peers. Please consider the wisdom we share.  

I must admit, there is bad advice out there.  Take into account that when you’re getting the same advice from multiple people, there is probably some validity to the advice you receive. Here is a couple of things I want you to hear and not disregard:

1. We don’t think it’s a good idea for you to start dating as a couple.  Just don’t. As long as you date as a couple, you’re always going to put yourselves and your relationship ahead of another person (this is called couple’s privilege).  Even if they consent to this type of relationship, you will hurt them. You both are not a single entity that is some great treasure to offer someone else. It’s very naive to think of yourself that way.  You and your current partner are two very different humans. A successful and healthy triad is rare and usually comes about when it happens organically – through two people dating first and then introducing a possible additional partner.  Dating together sounds easier, but it’s quite the opposite. There is a reason this sentiment is shared by so many people. We aren’t just trying to take the wind out of your sails, but instead give you the best chance at happy and healthy relationships down the line. If you read this and thought “I still don’t see why it’s a problem.” then please read this: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
   
   
2. I know it’s hard to hear, but when we push you to be more autonomous we know what we are talking about.  Autonomy is the magic key to polyamory. Learn to think of yourself and your partner(s) as their own people.  Don’t try to control them and don’t let yourself be controlled. Be your own person and let your partner be their own person. Only then can you be successful in opening up your relationship. When someone new to polyamory posts on a forum or Facebook page about how they are exhibiting a controlling behavior or being controlled, you can almost hear a collective sigh from the people responding.  Not really sure where to start with this? First, acknowledge there is codependency in your existing partnership. If you swear you aren’t codependent, you most definitely are. Every couple is to some extent. Work on untangling yourselves and breaking that codependency for the sake of your other relationships.
   
   
3. We truly sympathize with you when you say you’re feeling jealous.  However, it is a current that YOU have to swim against. If you rely on your partner to throw you a life-saver every time you start to struggle, you won’t become a stronger swimmer.  Don’t make your partner come home early from their date because you’re struggling. Sit in those feelings and learn how to be ok with them. This might be surprising, but even some of the most experienced polyam folks still have bouts of jealousy and insecurity.  The more comfortable you get with these feelings, the easier it gets to work through it on your own. Humans are weird creatures. When we feel insecure, we act out in negative and controlling ways. Sometimes this can be overtly and sometimes it can be covertly. Insecurity can cause anyone to push away and alienate the people we are scared of losing.  
   
   
4. We know that polyamory will not fix your broken relationship.  Some people will say “It helped save ours.” They are the exception and not the rule.  Just know that polyamory has a way of shining a huge spotlight on all the existing issues in a relationship.  All of a sudden you HAVE to talk about things. Everything is under a microscope and sweeping things under the rug is no longer going to cut it. At a minimum, work really hard on your existing relationship while pursuing other relationships.
   
   
5. For the hetero guys: Demanding your partner only seek out relationships with the same sex is giving you a false sense of security. Your girlfriend/wife will just as likely leave you for another woman as she would a man. 
   
   
6. When we say “Did you talk to your partner?” We aren’t just trying to get smart with you. We really want you to talk to your partner.  It’s the quickest and easiest way to work through whatever you’re going through. The only person that knows your partner’s feelings and intentions is your partner.  You will have a lot easier time processing and working through your problems with all the information. When you come asking for advice and we ask “What does your partner think?” and you haven’t talked to them yet then we just want to encourage you to do that.
   
   
7. When we suggest a therapist, it isn’t just an easy answer or a way to avoid helping you. Sometimes it’s the only answer.  Relationships are complex and polyamory only adds to that complexity. No amount of books, articles and forums can replace a professional therapist.  There is nothing wrong needing a therapist. It’s 2020, and having a therapist is as normal as going to a primary care doctor.

Polyamory is beautiful.  You’re going to grow so much through this process.  You’re going to have to learn your own hard lessons like we all did.  There is no amount of advice we can give you to prevent all the difficult feelings you will experience on this journey.  What I can tell you is that it’s worth it. Once you work through all the difficulties that come with opening up to polyamory, there is a world where love and support is truly multiplied and it’s an amazing thing to experience. . 

Sincerely,

A Genuinely Concerned Peer

The post An Open Letter to Those Who Feel Attacked in Polyamory appeared first on Trying To Thrive.