I did.  I know many of you did.  But why?????

Well, we might have found ourselves stuck in the:

Sunk Cost Fallacy

Before I dive into the Sunk Cost Fallacy I want you to know this: My blog posts are intentionally short and are designed to get your wheels turning. There is no way I can cover all the “What if” scenarios on this topic. Please don’t make a huge decision about your relationships solely because of this one blog post from a random person on the internet. Let this post be an opportunity for you to learn and consider a new perspective and give you something to think about.

As usual with my blog posts, let’s start with a definition of the Sunk Cost Fallacy:

Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behavior or endeavor as a result of previously invested resources (time, money or effort) (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). This fallacy, which is related to loss aversion and status quo bias, can also be viewed as bias resulting from an ongoing commitment. – behavioraleconomics.com

While this fallacy is applied primarily to financial investments, it’s not exclusive to that.  However, let’s start with the financial lens first:

Have you ever watched a show like Shark Tank or Dragons’ Den where people come to investors to acquire money and help them grow their business?  If so, you’ll see the Sunk Cost Fallacy at play all the time.  Someone who is trying to keep their business going will sell everything they own, take a loan against their house, and borrow from anyone who will loan them money.  All because they think their business idea or product is going to be the next big thing, and they think they are just one more loan or business contact away from making it happen.  Here’s the thing: Many of them are already many years into their endeavor by the time they come onto that show.  Sometimes even over a decade of pursuing their business with a loss year after year.  Despite all the VERY clear data that their business wasn’t working, they continued to stick with it and continued to not succeed.  They just continued to lose more and more money every single year.

So why have these people continued their business despite experiencing a continued loss year after year?  Why do they ignore all the data and evidence that’s right in front of them that their business is failing?  It’s the Sunk Cost Fallacy.  They have invested SO MUCH time, energy and money into their business that they feel like giving up is not even an option.  They feel like they HAVE to make it work because they’ve put so much into it.  So they continue on way longer than they should have in the first place.

Someone from the outside without the emotional connection can easily see that stopping at any point before now would mean they would have experienced less loss altogether.  Usually the “Shark” or “Dragon” will tell the entrepreneur to “Please, stop.  Please stop before you keep digging this hole deeper and deeper.”  

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is not just a human trait, it’s an emotional trait and it’s found in many animals that have more sophisticated emotional characteristics (mice, rats, dogs, primates, etc). 

The good news is that if you’re experiencing a Sunk Cost dilemma in your relationship(s), you’re probably not a psychopath.  It means you’re probably in that place because you’re trying to make a decision about the future of your relationship using your emotions and not using pure logic and facts.  That’s why when you see a friend in a really bad situation, it’s so easy for you to come to the conclusion that they should leave that situation.  You can come to that decision easily because you observe the facts objectively and without your emotions.  However, if you put yourself in the same spot as your friend and now there’s love, moments of happiness, fond memories, and time invested–all of a sudden it feels a lot harder to leave.  This is just another anecdote for the saying: Love is blind.

When you’re trying to determine if you should step away from a relationship, try to not let the Sunk Cost Fallacy cloud your judgement.  How much time and energy you’ve invested in someone shouldn’t be a primary factor considered in that decision.  Mostly because people change and grow all the time.  Humans are fluid, complex and extremely dynamic.  Maybe they were a good match for the version of you 10 years ago but aren’t a good match for the version of you today.  Maybe you have outgrown your partner or you two just grew in different directions.

Here are some questions/thoughts to try and hack the Sunk Cost Fallacy: 

• If you met this person right now, for the first time and there was no history at all, would you choose to be with them?  If you didn’t know them and saw them on a dating site, would something on their profile be a flag for incompatibility?
  
  
• Think about what advice you’d give to a friend who was in the exact same situation you are facing.  What would you tell them if you were being objective?
  
  
• What are the facts at hand showing you?  What does the data look like?  What story has the patterns of this person’s behavior been trying to tell you?
  
  
• Is the only reason you’re still with them because of the time you’ve invested and nothing else?  
  
  
• Would you feel happy/relieved if this person broke up with you?
  
  
• Do you find yourself feeling way more unhappy with this person than happy?

I’m going to switch it up a little here because I want to remind you of something important: Sometimes our partners do things that are unattractive.  Sometimes they go through things that need patience from us (e.g. mental health issues).  Sometimes they do things that make us unhappy or make decisions that we don’t agree with.  That’s all a normal part of relationships, and no relationship is perfect.  You can actually use the Sunk Cost Fallacy to your advantage in these situations to help you work through those things with your partner.   As long as you’re actually getting through them and observing some sort of progress.

Lastly, because many of us were taught that you must stay with someone for your entire life, Uncle Iroh wants to remind you of something really important:

HUGE Disclaimer: I’m a 30-something childless cis white male with my own bank account and a job where I can support myself.  I have the luxury and privilege to not have to ask myself if I “can” leave someone.  Determining if you “can” is a huge part of this equation that I’m not covering in this blog post.  If you know you need to leave but don’t know how you can, please know there are some resources.  When looking into these resources, keep in mind that abuse isn’t always physical or gender specific: https://www.thehotline.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If you want to learn more about Sunk Cost Fallacy, check out this perfectly nerdy podcast episode:

The post Why Are You Staying In That Relationship? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Click here for text version of list.

The post The Pros and Cons of Polyamory – Version 1 appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

A quick and dirty intro into neurodiversity: 

Neurodiversity is an attempt at acknowledging that we don’t all process the world the same way. You have neurotypical people who make up a majority of folks and neurodivergent folks who are the minority. What makes someone neurodivergent? Lots of things! Autism, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, anxiety and anything that does not fit into the box of “normal” thought patterns. Normal is a very vague word, but it’s what we build our society around. Our classrooms, work lives and our social expectations are all built around the neurotypical person. Neurotypical people tend to be naturally good with social cues, can easily read a room and tend to not get overstimulated easily. They usually learn well in a traditional academic environment, and their development follows a pretty predictable timeline (walking, talking, learning, etc.). On the flip side, neurodivergent people can have trouble learning in a traditional classroom environment and might not follow predictable developmental timelines. Social cues aren’t inherent and need to be learned. Neurodivergent people process information and learn in different ways than neurotypical people. This doesn’t have anything to do with their intelligence and has everything to do with how they process the world through their own unique lens. 

As a neurodivergent and polyamorous person who has navigated both healthy and unhealthy relationships I thought I would share some things I’ve learned over the years. Neurodiversity is broad and I’ve written these tips to try and be inclusive of all neurodivergent folks but my journey and experiences are my own, so these might not all be applicable to you. I still hope they can help you explore some thought tracks when navigating your existing and potential connections.

1. Don’t agree to do things that you don’t like to do. You may get excited when a crush invites you to do literally ANYTHING and you say “YES!” even if it’s not something you’d enjoy. Just say “No.” Explain why and tell them some things you would rather do instead. This is a good opportunity to practice setting some boundaries for both yourself and your crush. If this is someone that you will be compatible with and who will be understanding of who you are as a person then they will appreciate this so much. A lot of us neurodivergent people have a hard time with many normal activities that seem pretty routine. When you say “Yes!” and go to that activity and are miserable, bored and/or overstimulated, the person who invited you is going to know. Stick to doing things that you’re comfortable with and you know you can be at your best while doing. After all, the beauty of polyamory is you don’t need to be that person’s “everything” so let them take someone else to that concert that you weren’t going to enjoy anyways.
   
   
2. Let people know up front how you’re different. Take notes on how you’re different from neurotypical people. Share those things with people you meet as they come up. I’ve found that being up front about my differences early on makes navigating connections much easier. As an example: Say I am sitting across the table from someone and they are telling me a story. I will say “Hey, just FYI, eye contact is really hard for me and my staring off to the side isn’t a sign of disinterest. I’m really interested in what you’re saying.” Now they don’t have to wonder if I’m just trying to find the nearest exit.
   
   
3. Explain masking to new people.  Masking is when a neurodivergent person forces themselves into “normal” behaviors to try their best to fit in with the rest of the world.  If you’re comfortable with taking off your mask for new people then I recommend you try to do that.  This way, they can get to know you in all your neurodivergent glory.  Not everyone is comfortable with or even CAN take off their mask intentionally.  If that’s the case for you, then have a conversation with your potential new connection about what masking is and how you wear yours.  This will take some self reflection and vulnerability but it will help set up some expectations. 
   
   
4. Neurodivergence can make you special. Figure out in what ways being the way you are makes you a great partner. As a neurodivergent person you can probably offer a lot of things that other people can’t. You can highlight these with potential love interests as they might not be things they think about. For example, someone who has ADHD can offer way more spontaneity and amazing adventures to someone’s day and someone who is OCD can offer routine and consistency. For me, being on the autism spectrum and the way it affects me means I can have all levels of conversations with a pretty even tone. A lot of people have appreciated this about me.
   
   
5. Learn the things that don’t come naturally to you. Just because it doesn’t come as naturally to you as neurotypical people doesn’t mean you can’t learn. A lot of people that are neurodivergent have a harder time with things that come very naturally to neurotypical folks. Some examples might be time management, recognizing facial expressions and knowing what to say in certain social situations. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those things and learn them. For example, when I learned that I was on the autism spectrum as an adult I took a test where I was supposed to identify facial expressions and I failed miserably. Well, I found some facial expression flashcards and started studying them and now I’m a lot better at recognizing them. This helps me understand my partners better. I also realized very quickly that I just thought most facial expressions meant someone had to poop.
   
   
6. Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly. I admit, this is kind of a broad statement and “treating someone poorly” is very subjective. You are who you are and you can’t be someone you’re not. With that said, if the same behaviors you exhibit consistently hurt people then I suggest you at least try to work on changing those. An example is stonewalling (completely shutting down and refusing to communicate or giving minimal and vague feedback to the people around you). This is a pretty common behavior with people on the autism spectrum and I did that pretty consistently in the past. It happens so fast and I didn’t even know I was doing it. If I’m being completely honest, it even still sneaks up on me now (old habits die hard). Over the years I have learned to recognize when I start falling into that and I can at least say “I’m shutting down and this isn’t going to be the best time for me to talk about this,” or I can keep myself from going into that place by being conscious of it. I still don’t catch it every single time but I do it way less and it doesn’t impact my relationships the way it used to.
   
    
7. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is the most important advice I can give you. Don’t underestimate someone’s ability to love you just the way you are. I know a lot of us think “I am a really hard person to love” because we see ourselves as so different from what’s considered the norm. Please trust me as someone who is not neurotypical and who has people in my life who love me. They don’t love me in spite of my neurodivergence, but because that’s just who I am. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but you’ll be someone’s hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter evening. 

Neurodivergent people are the outliers and have to do their best to fit into a society that wasn’t built for them. They have been shoved in a box that doesn’t fit them their whole life and perhaps that contributes to them being more comfortable with exploring polyamory and living outside the societal norms. Understanding why there are so many neurodivergent folks in the polyamory community can be a whole other ball of wax (though still fascinating so let me know if you have any research/resources on this). While there is a slight shift in the culture surrounding neurodiversity and people are becoming more aware that we can’t live in a one-size-fits-all society there is still a long way to go. In the meantime, we are all just trying to do our best navigating this wild world. Just do your best, be kind and go be someone’s hot chocolate. 

The post Neurodivergent Dating in Polyamory appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

This letter was sent to you because I need to tell you something that’s very scary to share. While these aren’t my words, this is still very much my truth. Please read this all the way through and reserve judgement until you fully understand what I’m trying to say to you. There are so many misconceptions out there about what this really is so I need you to open your mind and think outside of the box for me.
I’m polyamorous.

This means I don’t subscribe to monogamy for the relationships I’m in.
This means I’ve made a conscious decision to not limit my love and relationships to only one person for the rest of my life. Everything I do, I do it ethically and with other consenting adults.

This means I will date multiple people at the same time.

If your immediate reaction when you hear that is not one of judgement but of understanding and support, thank you ssssooooo much. Read the rest of this if you wish, but that’s all I wanted from you. I just want you to accept me for who I am and not see me differently.

If the thought of this truth made you uneasy at all, then I ask that you take just a few more minutes of your life to finish reading this. Your understanding and acceptance is important enough to me for me to open up about this. So, please read this. It would mean the world to me.

I could have attempted to hide this from you but I’m trying to live a life of authenticity. Hiding in the shadows is exhausting and I respect you enough to not want to lie or keep things from you. I needed to share my truth with you because I value you as a person in my life. I hope you value me enough as a person to respect me for how I’m choosing to live my life. First of all, let me clear up a few of the large misconceptions about polyamory.

1) This isn’t just about sex. It’s not constant orgies or sex addiction. It’s not a revolving door of lovers. This is about not limiting my capacity to love people and it’s about giving myself permission to ethically have deep and intimate relationships with more than one person. I have so much love and I’m consciously choosing not to cage that.

2) This is not polygamy. Polygamy is the practice of a man having many wives. That is a patriarchal concept that suppresses the freedom of women. A big part of my desire for polyamory is letting myself and my partners have the autonomy to choose what’s best for them in this lifetime. So no Sister Wives reality TV over here.

3) There is zero evidence that the practice of polyamory is a bad model for raising children. In fact, I want you to imagine a scenario where you had multiple adult figures in your life who practiced open and honest communication and expressed love and compassion for one another. In no world is that a negative thing.

4) This is not cheating. Everyone involved currently and in the future will have the freedom to either choose this relationship structure or not. It’s the exact opposite of cheating; it’s practicing radical honesty.

5) This is not a phase. Relationships can ebb and flow and sometimes I might be dating one person but sometimes I might be dating 3. I’ve given this a lot of thought and this is part of who I am and I’m tired of trying to fight it so I can live in a box of monogamy. That box is comfortable for some but it’s not the box for everyone. It’s definitely not the box for me.

Look, I know polyamory is different. Different can be scary and I completely understand that. Different doesn’t mean it’s wrong, though. Please don’t let the discomfort of something you don’t understand affect how you see me. I’m very much the same person and who I am at my core has not changed. In a lot of ways, exploring polyamory has only made me a better person in a lot of different ways. I’m learning to communicate better, I’m learning to manage my emotions better and I’m becoming much more self aware. I’m learning how to express my wants and needs in a constructive way. I’m learning to set boundaries with people for my own sanity. Those are all things I need to be able to be successful in my journey through polyamory. The only downside to this whole thing is that there is an unfortunate stigma in our society surrounding this. There will be people who cast me out because of this and I’m prepared for that, but it’s my hope that you are not one of those people. I want you in my corner and that’s why I’ve sent you this letter.
Please know that I’m here to answer any questions you have about this. This is something very important to me and I think the more you understand the less scary it will be for you to accept. You know how I said I’m learning how to set boundaries? I need to set a boundary with you and ask that you don’t try to change my mind about this. You can’t change my mind and it will only hurt both you and me so don’t do it.
Thank you for taking some time to read this. I hope that you accept me and continue to be someone in my life.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Cares About You Very Much

Sometimes articulating thoughts can be hard. I’ve made this to help. Share this link with someone you want to come out to. Or copy and paste it to make changes. I’m sharing this with all of you to use as you see fit.

The post I Need To Tell You Something… appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I want to use this space to elevate the voices of others in the community who are doing great work and having different experiences than myself.  For my first community spotlight  I want to introduce everyone to the amazing Lavitaloca Sawyers.  

Sure, she’s a POC and yes I’m choosing to consciously highlight someone that is a POC in a time where their voices need to be elevated more than ever.  However, that doesn’t mean she’s not deserving of being highlighted under ordinary circumstances.   She deserves to be known  for all the mental and emotional energy she puts towards our community.  You may not recognize the name but surely you have seen one of her daily Polyamory Reminders floating around:

I am someone who thinks about Polyamory a lot (hence the blog).  I don’t meet many people who think about it as much as I do.  I wouldn’t say it consumes my every thought but it’s always present and I’d venture to guess that it’s similar for her.  She’s clearly just as much a nerd about it as I am and so I had to go follow her.  After seeing a couple of her Polyamory Reminders I looked her up and found that she has some blog posts on https://medium.com/@evitalavitalocasawyers.

While her blogs are excellent reads and you should definitely check them out, there’s something pretty amazing and special about her Polyamory Reminders.  They are extremely well thought out and encourage thought without giving you a firehose of information (like maybe I do sometimes?).  Every single one gives me pause and I at least go “Ok, yeah.  She’s  right.” Sometimes they make me want to jump up and be like “Hell yeah! Preach!” because there is so much power in so few words with these treasures.  I’ve see them shared across my feed on the regular.  The best part?  Her words are valuable and she’s just handing them out to everyone for free. To us.  To our community.

Sometimes I wonder if she ever wakes up in the middle of the night with a great idea for one of these reminders and then promptly falls back asleep and can’t remember what it was the next morning.  I do that with my blog sometimes and it’s infinitely frustrating.  (She’s confirmed that she does in fact do this but usually does write it down lol)

Ok, back to listing more reasons why she is awesome:  I feel she deserves some recognition  because I can tell that she’s sharing her mind for the right reasons.  She genuinely wants to help people and she doesn’t just want clout or to make herself rich.  She even offers coaching services at a ridiculously low price (really though, you should charge more) to help people on their journey through non-monogamy.   She’s clearly putting tons of energy out into the polyamory community to help guide people for the sake of humanity and I adore that about her.

Something else that is really special and unique about Lavitaloca is that she admits that in the beginning of her journey she struggled a lot with the idea of polyamory.  She started in a place of uncertainty and surrounded by insecurity.  Now, over the course of her 6ish years on this journey of polyamory she has come to a place where she now advocates and educates the community.  The only way that could be possible is if she pushed herself to do a lot of growth necessary to navigate polyamory in a thoughtful way.  She fought her own demons to get where she is today and now she’s out there helping people fight theirs.   It would be really easy for her to be like “O.k., my battles are done so I’m just going to relax now.” Yet, she’s out there consistently dishing out thoughts to feed our soul on the subject.  It’s pretty great.

Check out a couple more of these Polyamory Reminders and see what kind of thoughts they invoke.

If you like what you see then please follow her at https://www.facebook.com/lavitalocasawyers/ . She has an amazing and powerful mind and I’m excited to see where her journey takes her.  

The post Today’s Polyamory Reminder appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

This letter is for all you polyamorous heathens out there.  To everyone that lurks in the shadows and is damaging society and all the arbitrary constructs we were raised to believe.  I’m going to tell you all the reasons why what you’re doing is bad and why you should stop.  This isn’t just my “opinion” and I’m going to use science and math to justify my opinions so you can’t even argue them.  There’s so many reasons why what you’re doing is destroying the world but here’s just a handful of reasons why you should cease your wretched behavior immediately!

Holding love in your heart for more than one person is so unnatural that I can’t even fathom how you live with yourself.  Look, there is literally only 1 litre of love in your heart.  Wait… is love measured in weight? Maybe it’s 1lb? Gosh, I don’t know but it doesn’t matter!  Whatever the quantity of love you have, you must only give it to one person.  What about your kids and your family, you ask?  Well, that’s a different kind of love.  That’s the love that comes from your familial love glands and there’s at least 2 litres… or 2lbs… or whatever amount of that so try to distribute that as evenly as you can.  It’s biology you all! 

I don’t care that 95% of the 4000 mammalian species are non-monogamous and that of the remaining 5% most of them are only monogamous for a breeding season. Monogamy is in our DNA!!!!  My proof?  PENGUINS!!!! Yes, penguins are mammals because they have blood.  Penguins are monogamous so humans must be too!  Penguins have the exact same DNA as humans so therefore if penguins are monogamous then we must be too!  Don’t believe me?  Well you should because I watched a youtube video on DNA and it taught me everything I need to know.  Penguin DNA is closer to Human DNA than any other mammal therefore polyamory is unnatural.

Don’t even get me started about how dirty your genitals are.  I don’t care about these studies that “claim” that non-monogamy promotes better sexual health than monogamy.   I don’t care if you get tested regularly, ask for test results from partners, are more likely to use protection, discuss STD’s regularly and help try to eliminate the shame and stigma around them.  It’s basic statistics.  More partners= more dirty genitals.  Who in their right mind would argue with that???  Oh, and before you come back at me about how STD’s are more prevalent in monogamy because it’s not something that’s openly discussed and tested for I’m just going to stop you there.  STD’s from cheating in monogamous relationships doesn’t count.  It just doesn’t count.

I’m going to say it and I’m not even sorry.  You’re destroying these children’s lives.  Children aren’t meant to be raised by a village.  That’s hogwash and you know it!  In what world does a child having multiple loving and caring adults in their life raising them actually help them?  I know, I know.  You think that having more adults who are demonstrating compassion, love and acceptance in a child’s life is better for them.  It’s not and I’m going to tell you why.  Having 2 adults (or 1) is the only acceptable number of parental figures for a child.  3 or more is just too many.  If we just do some simple math I’ll prove it to you.  2 > 3 so therefore also 1 > 3 so therefore 1 or 2 parents are better than 3.  It’s simple math people!  Get with the program. 

Lastly, being polyamorous affects your job performance.  Don’t argue with me!  It does!  If it didn’t, then why would people be so worried about losing their jobs if their employer finds out they are polyamorous?  It’s because they are afraid their boss will know that they can’t do their job any longer.  It doesn’t matter how much experience you have, how long you’ve proved yourself or how good you are at your job.  It’s a proven fact that once your employer knows your polyamorous your work ceases to be good and you must be fired.  If it wasn’t true then why would employers fire people for simply loving more than one person?  Surely there HAS to be a reason and the only reasonable conclusion I can come to is that being polyamourous affects your job performance.  It’s called cause and correlation for all you non-science people out there.

Let my letter be the thing that changes your mind about how you perceive polyamory.   If I hear one more person talk about how it promotes emotional maturity, growth, better communication, self confidence or any other positive thing I’m going to vomit.   It’s wrong, it’s unnatural, it’s bad and I don’t agree with it.  Therefore, nobody should be partaking in this awful thing.

Sincerely

Your Friendly Neighborhood Scientist

The post An Open Letter To You Polyamorous Heathens appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I’m guilty of that. I remember the first documentary I saw where I learned about polyamory. There was this loving triad and I thought to myself “I want that! That looks amazing!” If only I knew then what I knew now…

I’m going to say this more than once : Wanting a triad is not bad.  Triads aren’t bad. There are many successful triads. It’s OK if you want a triad.  This is about taking a look at your existing relationship before you decide that a triad is the way to go. 

I am going to provide you with some questions to ask yourself.   I’ll let you know how to calculate your results at the end of this post.

For these questions, I’ll be using “SO” (Significant Other) to indicate the existing relationship and “Datemate” to indicate the person being added to your lives.

Examine Your Intentions:  Many polyam couples start out with polyamory discussing an idea of what they want their polyam configuration to look like and this is a very normal conversation.  Intentions are very important so you can be clear with the people you meet moving forward.  Let’s see where your intentions are for a starting point:

Be aware that going into polyamory with an extremely specific configuration can turn a lot of people away and you may find that you’ll struggle finding what you’re looking for. 

Examine Your Perception Of Your Relationship: Here is a question to try and gauge how you view your current relationship.  

You and your SO are talking about creating a dating profile. Do you:

A) Make a single dating profile with the both of you as a couple and share the password.

B) Make a single dating profile with both of you but let people know they are only communicating with one of you.

C) Make your own separate dating profiles but present as a couple on each profile.

D) Make your own individual dating profiles and only mention your marriage.

Viewing your relationship as a single entity is seen as unethical because it automatically gives you more power over anybody else that you invite into your lives: 2>1.  The reality is that you two are very unique individuals with different needs and desires.  When you have a combined profile it might give people the impression that you view your relationship as a single entity.  If you don’t see your relationship that way then I highly recommend making your own unique profiles to avoid that.

Remember that a triad has 3 relationships:

It Doesn’t Look Like This:

Examining Your Expectations: The reality is that dating involves humans and humans are EXTREMELY dynamic.  Things change constantly and there’s a lot of variables that you might not be considering.  If you don’t have somewhat loose expectations, you might find yourself really hurting the person you’re getting involved with.  Here are some questions to help give you some thought about how your expectations might be challenged. 

You start talking to someone that is a bisexual polyamorous person. You really connect with this person and you think they might be a good fit for your triad. They then disclose to you that they aren’t interested in your SO in a romantic way. Do you:

A) Think to yourself that they haven’t got to know your SO and that they will probably like them once they get to know them. So you continue to talk to them and hope they change their mind.

B) Ghost them since they don’t fit what you’re looking for.

C) Explain to them that you’re looking for something specific and they don’t meet that criteria.

D) Not care at all because you’re OK with dating this person separately from your SO.

You have met the perfect datemate for your triad and you’re really excited. They express that they are only interested in having one-on-one sex and don’t like threesomes. Do you:

A) Insist the datemate give it a try because you and your SO are both amazing in bed and can make all their dreams come true.

B) Dump your datemate because you and your SO aren’t ready to have sex without one another being present.

C) Proceed dating but ask them to give you and your SO some time to get comfortable with the idea of having sex separatetly from one another.

D) Let your datemate know that it’s 100% ok and you and your SO don’t mind at all.

You and your SO have been dating your new datemate for 3 months.  The datemate tells you that they are losing interest in your SO and want to break up with them but continue to date you.  Do you:

A) Ask the datemate to reconsider their feelings and let you help repair that connection.

B) Break up with the datemate and let them know that they just won’t fit into your life unless they are dating both of you.

C) Let the datemate know that it’s going to cause some shifts in your relationship with them but you’re willing to try to make it work.

D) Reassure the datemate that it’s OK and that it won’t change your relationship with them at all. 

If you can’t allow the flexibility of changes because of your existing relationship then you can cause a lot of damage and cause a lot of pain to your datemate.  What you don’t want them to hear is “If you don’t orbit our existing relationship and fit in perfectly then we will discard you.”   Also, if you really just want a threesome then that’s totally cool!  I recommend swinging for that, though.  You’ll find it way less work to get those specific needs met.   

How You Might Prioritize Your Relationship:  There may be some inherent priorities like kids and finances but it might be good to look at how you might prioritize your existing relationships over the relationships with this new person.  Here are a couple of questions to consider. 

You and your SO realize that introducing this new person into your relationship is causing a lot of tension between you two. Do you:

A) Tell the datemate both of you need to break up with them while you get your relationship in a better place.

B) Tell the datemate you need to hit the pause button while you two get some things worked out.

C) Let the datemate know that there is some tension and you will need to take a step back and might not be able to see one another as much.

D) Work on your relationship independently from your relationship from the datemate.

Your SO tells you that they want to break up with the datemate and that you need to break up with them too:

A) Tell the datemate that you’ll have to date on the down low from now on.

B) Tell the datemate that you need to break up to salvage your existing relationship.

C) Tell the datemate that you need to break up for right now but will try and fix this.

D) Tell your SO that you’re not going to break up with someone that you care about and work through whatever those consequences look like.

If you are going to continually put your existing relationship in front of your relationship with your datemate then you’re probably going to hurt them.  By viewing each connection as its own unique relationship it will help you treat each connection equitably.  

How To Calculate Your Results:

I lied. There is no calculation. I don’t want to label you and I don’t want a quiz to define you. The point of this was to get you thinking about what having a triad might really look like, what sort of obstacles it can present and how you might unintentionally hurt someone through the process. Something tells me that you don’t need a test score to know where you land.    Just an FYI, we barely scratched the surface here. There’s countless other things to consider before getting involved in a triad: Holidays, finances, living situations, children, etc.

In Conclusion:

If someone sent you this then please don’t be offended. It can be hurtful when someone calls you a Unicorn Hunter because you’re probably not a bad person who goes around trying to hurt people or be predatory. While some people do get misidentified as Unicorn Hunters, if several people are telling you that your behavior is indicative of Unicorn Hunting then try to take it as an opportunity to reflect on your intentions and expectations. It could be a great opportunity for growth on your polyam journey.

The reality of triads is that they are complicated and require a lot of work.  They require the established couple to be very cognizant of all the ways they can hurt the person being introduced if they aren’t able to dismantle their own relationship.   On the surface it may seem easier to go with a triad right out of the gate but I assure you it’s not.  Again, I want to emphasize that it’s OK to want a triad.  There is nothing wrong with wanting one at all!  We all want what we want and that’s completely valid.  Just please be considerate in how you approach this and how you might hurt someone by going down this road with the wrong intentions and expectations.  

The post How Do I Know If I’m Hunting Unicorns? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I still remember being early on in my polyam journey and feeling pushed away from the world of polyamory because of all the gatekeepers.  I remember thinking “Who do these people think they are???  Polyamory is a state of mind! You don’t get to make the rules!” Yet, here I was, being “that” person that was trying to make the rules.  I write in my blog because I want to share content that helps people on their journey and makes them feel not alone.  I don’t want to be the person that pushes people away.

Yes, there’s some very basic moral principles that people should adhere to in all relationship configurations.  Nobody should be lying, abusing, manipulating or openly hurting the people they care about.  That’s true for both polyamorous and monogamous relationships.  Beyond those basic fundamentals, many ethics in non-monogamy can be debated in circles for eternity.  I can’t tell people they have to follow a particular set of rules to be polyamorous.  More importantly, I don’t want to.  It’s a monumental task that I’m not interested in taking on. 

Anytime I am criticized I like to take a step back and reflect.  When I reflect on things, it helps me learn and grow even more.  Sometimes it’s all about perspective and acknowledging that my experiences aren’t always the same as everyone else’s.  

If someone asked me why am  I so anti rules and control in polyamory I’d typically say something like “Over the years I’ve watched rules and control in polyamory consistently hurt people.  It hurt people on the inside and people on the outside of polyam relationships.  I also saw rules getting broken frequently and causing more issues than just not having rules in the first place.”  While those are definitely my observations, the deeper I dug, the more I started to ponder something new: Could another big part of my aversion to rules also be because I’ve been in a very controlling relationship?  I think if I’m being realistic then… Duh. 

Understanding and acknowledging that will help me be more careful about how I word things both on my blogs and to my friends that come to me for advice.

If you’re a polyam person that has been around the block, PLEASE be careful about gatekeeping. You may not even realize you’re doing it.  Educate, don’t dictate.  Everyone has to go through their own journey to learn things.  We can only help so much but sometimes things have to be learned through experience just as we were afforded the opportunity to learn through our own. 

As for me, I definitely contemplated throwing this whole blog idea out the window.  However, I think I will stick with it a little longer.  I am trying to look at this situation as an opportunity for growth that I would have never had without my blog. Also, the encouragement from my friends to continue definitely helped me overcome that initial thought (so thank you).  I guess I will just continue to try and give people tools, encourage them to own their feelings, work towards healthy agreements and boundaries, love themselves enough to fight the green eyed monster and live their authentic lives in a way that makes them happy.  I will no longer be yelling at people to get off my lawn because, plot twist, it’s not even my lawn.

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Stage 1 – OH SNAP! This is a thing?!?!?!?!

You just learned that this is a thing that lots of people do. You are beside yourself. You immediately start to envision a future where your desire to deeply connect with more than one person at a time isn’t that strange.

You consume all of the knowledge you can.

Stage 2 – Putting Yourself Out There

You’ve consumed enough information to get started on your journey. You’ve created your dating profiles and have stepped into the world of non-monogamy. You quickly realize this isn’t going to be as easy at seems. You wonder how in the world polyamorous people meet each other. You start to give up hope on making a polyamorous connection.

You start to feel like a heathen outsider.

Stage 3 – The Buffet Is Open

You quickly went from giving up hope to wondering how you’re going to find the energy to balance all these new connections and relationships. You don’t really know what happened. You’re polyam, I’m polyam, we’re attracted to one another, lets date!

This is the stage where you also learn that love might be infinite, but energy is not.

Stage 4 – Who am I?

You’ve never been better at managing a calendar. Your communication is improving significantly. You’re getting so much feedback that you’re humbled but also proud of your growth.

Stage 5 – Slowing Your Roll

You have some time under your belt now. You’ve had a relationship or two (or 10) and you’ve learned more about yourself since you started your poly journey than you have most of your adult life. It’s time to slow your roll and be more considerate about the people you choose to let into your life. It’s no longer something that consumes your thoughts on a regularly basis.

You don’t care as much about what the monogamous people think of you.

The post 5 Stages of Polyamory With The Office appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Now, there’s a lot of resources out there about how to mitigate jealousy in open relationships.  There’s so many important things you can do on the front end to try and avoid a crisis.  I’ve even written about the Jealousy Mind Flayer and how it messes with your head.  Sometimes a crisis happens no matter how much you try to not have one.  My first jealousy crisis happened a few years into my polyamory journey and completely caught me off guard. These are some things you can do during a jealousy crisis to help maintain some control over your thoughts. Just know that everyone’s brain is different and some things might work better for you than others.  Some of these might exacerbate your crisis so pick and choose what works for. Even better, think of some of your own creative ways to manage the crisis. You know yourself better than anybody else!  

What is a jealousy Crisis and how do I know I’m in one?

A jealousy crisis usually starts with some random negative thought.  Say a partner is going on a date and you just start thinking about how that person might be better looking than you.  A somewhat innocent thought by itself. But then… then you start thinking about how you and your partner just had a fight a few days ago.  Then you start thinking about how the other person has more money than you and could probably provide a better life. Then you think about how your partner is probably just bored of you.  Then you think about how you were so young when you got together and you didn’t really know who you were. So on and so on. 

Uh oh, now your body is feeling funny.  Your stress response is kicking in and it’s releasing all these chemicals into your body.  It doesn’t feel very nice. Your face is hot, your heart rate is speeding up, your eyes start leaking and now you literally can’t think of anything else.  It’s totally consuming you and you are now completely submerged in a pool of negative thoughts and feelings. You feel like your world is crashing down on you and it does not feel good. 

What do I do?????

Required:

Fucking Breathe – Take a huge breath.  Then take several more.  Don’t try anything else until you have your breathing under control.  Oxygen will actually help manage that stress response and this is the best thing you can do for yourself before you tackle anything else.  

Optional:

Be Realistic – Focus on realistic thoughts.  Acknowledge that your partner probably isn’t going to actually leave you.  It’s so rare that a person goes on one date or gets one crush and thinks “I”m going to leave this person that I love because I had some feelings for someone else.”  It just doesn’t happen that way. You’re not in any immediate danger. Jealousy, like most anxieties, doesn’t play well with our rational brain. Keep yourself grounded because it’s so easy for our anxious brains to override all reasoning.  

Self Care – Self care is so important in many parts of your life.  You shouldn’t really wait for a crisis to make this a priority.  But hey, if you’re already here then you might as well do it. Do something non-destructive that makes you happy.  This might be taking a bath, drawing, painting, or playing video games. You can totally bake some cookies and send them to me (as long as they don’t have raisins).  Don’t look at it as a distraction. Instead, think to yourself “I’m a valuable human being and I deserve to take care of myself and do this thing that makes me happy.”

Face Your Fears – This one may not be for everyone but I say go ahead and plan out the worst case scenario.  Imagine a scenario where your partner leaves you for this other person. You can’t control what they do, who they love and how they live their life.  They are a human being with free will to make the decisions that are the best for them. If it actually happened then guess what? You’re probably going to be just fine after some time.  Maybe at first it’s going to be awful but humans are biologically pretty resilient to change.

Mantras – Ok, if you’re an advanced meditator then just meditate.  The reality is that it would take a pretty advanced meditator to calm their mind in a state like this.  For that reason I recommend just borrowing a fragment of meditation: Mantras. Pick a phrase or even a single word and just keep repeating in your head over and over.  Do this while taking deep breaths. Here’s a few examples of what a mantra might be:

“I am awesome and if my partner leaves me then it’s their loss.”

“Love is not divided.  Love is Multiplied.”

“Jealousy will not control me.”

Or make up your own!

Write – You can use a computer, your phone or even an old school pen and paper.  Here are some ideas for things you can write:

Just Journal – Sometimes just writing down your thoughts can help tremendously.  Just spill your guts to yourself and see where it takes you.

Dig Deep – Write down the question “Why am I really feeling jealous?” Then answer it.  Then keep drilling down with why, how and what questions.  

Question: Why am I feeling jealous?
Answer: I’m feeling jealous because I’m afraid my partner will leave me.
Etc.

Gas Yourself Up – Write down all the reasons why you think you’re awesome and you make a great partner.  Take inventory of why you’re a catch and why your partner would be silly to leave you.  

Phone a Friend – Have someone you can confide in that is not your partner.  Also, make sure this friend has no stake in your relationships and is completely neutral (this is very important because you’re very vulnerable right now).  Talking to a friend can help in a couple of different ways. Just purely expressing your concerns and fears alone can be extremely helpful. One of the other less obvious reasons is that sometimes when you’re in a jealousy crisis you can feel very alone in the world.  Talking to a friend reminds you that you’re not alone and there’s something really comforting about that.

Turn on the waterworks  – Don’t fight it!  Let those eyeballs flow like a river.  It’s good for our bodies to cry and can even release good hormones.  Many people find the process of crying soothing. There’s conflicting research about whether there’s physiological evidence that crying reduces the stress hormones.  Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. It helps a lot of people and that’s what matters!  

What Not to do:

• Do not completely distract yourself.  If you just completely distract yourself then you’re not going to work towards being able to manage your feelings of jealousy.
• Do not call or text your partner while they are on a date telling them you’re having a crisis and they need to call you.  It’s manipulative and you’re putting the burden on them.  
• Do not make any big decisions.  You may think about leaving, giving an ultimatum, moving out, etc.  You definitely do not need to be making any decisions at a time like this.
• Do not beat yourself up.  Human bodies are funny things and we can’t always control how we physically react to things. Your feelings are valid and it’s ok.

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