Since I’ve already put my hand on the hot burner more than once I’ve been able to gain some wisdom over the years. When I connect with someone who’s still early on in their polyamory journey, I struggle with trying to decide if I should slap their hand away from the burner so they don’t get hurt or just let them burn themselves so they can learn the same things I’ve had to learn. If I’m being completely honest, I still don’t know where that balance is. You can tell a couple first opening up their relationship to polyamory that triads are hard and people get hurt. You can strongly encourage them to date separately and send them all the resources to unicorn hunting that you can muster up and it doesn’t matter. A triad feels like the safest route for them so they almost never listen. If they already got it in their head that’s what they want, they go for it anyways. I didn’t listen, so why should I expect someone else to? Yup, my first foray into polyamory was a triad. I wasn’t necessarily looking for one but it happened. Guess what? It wasn’t very healthy and people got hurt just like everyone was telling me that’s what would happen. There were some good times, but all the bad things people were telling me would happen, did happen. 

I’m going to drop a list of many of the mistakes (for free) I made on my journey through polyamory. I want to make this list for a few reasons. 1) To remind you that nobody is perfect so don’t be too hard on yourself, 2) As a personal growth exercise to see and acknowledge my mistakes and 3) To maybe plant a seed that might help you avoid some of the pitfalls on your journey.

Ok… Here it goes….

1. Years 1 and 2 – I was in a monogamous relationship that opened up to polyamory. I’ll refer to this as my “primary” relationship although I’m not a fan of that word in general. It’s for clarity in this context. Here are some of the big mistakes in regards to that time period of my journey:
   1. I told my primary partner that I thought it would be weird if they dated someone like me and that just dating someone like me didn’t make sense. I even bordered on an OPP (One Penis Policy) vibe and while it was short lived my brain still went down that path and that was not ok.
   2. I gave my primary all the control because I wanted them to feel safe and secure. Even they admitted further down the journey that this was a bad idea. This meant my connections were anything but organic and were being controlled by an outside source.
   3. We started out with a triad. A very unhealthy one that was fraught with couples privilege. We were toxic af and the epitome of all that is wrong with new polyamorous couples jumping straight into a triad.
   4. I agreed to things that I didn’t really actually agree with. I really blew it here because I was either full of resentment or broke those agreements. Neither of which was healthy or good. 
   5. I should have left that “primary” relationship sooner. Polyamory brought all kinds of bad things to the surface that were swept under the rug since the beginning of our relationship. Despite them trying to be understanding and even be a willing participant in the concepts of non-monogamy, there were many times where I felt like I was just dragging them behind a truck. I should have drawn a line in the sand a lot sooner.
   6. Even when not in a triad, I still let my primary relationship greatly influence my other relationships. I hurt people and toyed with them because I was painfully unaware of how much couples privilege was actually taking place. It makes me sick thinking about what I did to genuinely amazing people in the first few years of my journey.
2. Years 3 to 6 – Here are some mistakes I made outside the scope of opening up a monogamous relationship.
   1. I was in the kitchen table polyamory or bust camp. Over time, I realized it wasn’t reasonable to make it a requirement. It’s not fair to put pressure on people to interact if they don’t want to. Kitchen table polyamory is still a preference but I’ve definitely pulled back on making that any kind of requirement.
   2. I would let NRE catapult me into a space that I wasn’t comfortable with, and then I would have to pull back. This understandably hurts people because it’s scary when you sense a partner pulling back. NRE is dangerous if not managed well.
   3. I let NRE blind me from observing problematic behaviors. This hurt me more than others but I have definitely missed some huge red flags because of pure lustful infatuation with someone. Again, NRE is dangerous if not managed well. 
   4. I have since learned that I’m probably more in the graysexual area, but I would participate in sexual activities before I was ready for 2 reasons: 1) Definitely some toxic masculinity and 2) The polyamorous space is a very sexual one and I’d put pressure on myself to keep up with my peers. This has caused me to get out of sync with partners and nothing good ever happens when you’re out of sync. 
   5. I would bite off more than I could chew. I’d get a wild hair and say “I’m going to take down my walls!” and then end up saturated in connections and finding myself overwhelmed and trying to figure out how to backtrack. While I’ve definitely gotten a lot better with this it’s still something I keep a close eye on.
   6. I would enter relationships with wildcards and not disclose them. Let me explain – I would say to myself in my head: “This is a new situation and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it but I’ll give it a shot.” and then when the wildcard became a dealbreaker I would take a step back from that connection. More recently, I’ve become very transparent with people if there is a wildcard that I’m not sure about. Unfortunately, I haven’t always been so up front and I’ve hurt people. 

If it’s not obvious by the sheer amount of mistakes I’ve made over the years, I wasn’t lying in saying that I’m human. We all make mistakes no matter how much we try to mitigate them. Nobody gets into a relationship saying “I’m going to try to hurt this person!” Well, at least I hope not.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to still have a connection with most of the people I’ve dated in spite of all my mistakes along the way. This means I was able to get feedback on how my behaviors have affected people and I’m so grateful for that. It would be very irresponsible for me to not at least try to learn and grow from that feedback that has been gifted to me. I’m still going to continue to make new mistakes. Because I’m human. Just like all of us.  

I hope that by my sharing my mistakes from over the years it has helped you in some way. While I will be the first to remind you to not be too hard on yourself, I’ll also be the person to tell you to not give yourself a free pass either. If anything I shared made you question your own behaviors, take a look at them and see if you have some opportunities to be better. At the end of the day, I think that’s what is most important. 

The post Giving Away Free Mistakes! appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Now, there’s a lot of resources out there about how to mitigate jealousy in open relationships.  There’s so many important things you can do on the front end to try and avoid a crisis.  I’ve even written about the Jealousy Mind Flayer and how it messes with your head.  Sometimes a crisis happens no matter how much you try to not have one.  My first jealousy crisis happened a few years into my polyamory journey and completely caught me off guard. These are some things you can do during a jealousy crisis to help maintain some control over your thoughts. Just know that everyone’s brain is different and some things might work better for you than others.  Some of these might exacerbate your crisis so pick and choose what works for. Even better, think of some of your own creative ways to manage the crisis. You know yourself better than anybody else!  

What is a jealousy Crisis and how do I know I’m in one?

A jealousy crisis usually starts with some random negative thought.  Say a partner is going on a date and you just start thinking about how that person might be better looking than you.  A somewhat innocent thought by itself. But then… then you start thinking about how you and your partner just had a fight a few days ago.  Then you start thinking about how the other person has more money than you and could probably provide a better life. Then you think about how your partner is probably just bored of you.  Then you think about how you were so young when you got together and you didn’t really know who you were. So on and so on. 

Uh oh, now your body is feeling funny.  Your stress response is kicking in and it’s releasing all these chemicals into your body.  It doesn’t feel very nice. Your face is hot, your heart rate is speeding up, your eyes start leaking and now you literally can’t think of anything else.  It’s totally consuming you and you are now completely submerged in a pool of negative thoughts and feelings. You feel like your world is crashing down on you and it does not feel good. 

What do I do?????

Required:

Fucking Breathe – Take a huge breath.  Then take several more.  Don’t try anything else until you have your breathing under control.  Oxygen will actually help manage that stress response and this is the best thing you can do for yourself before you tackle anything else.  

Optional:

Be Realistic – Focus on realistic thoughts.  Acknowledge that your partner probably isn’t going to actually leave you.  It’s so rare that a person goes on one date or gets one crush and thinks “I”m going to leave this person that I love because I had some feelings for someone else.”  It just doesn’t happen that way. You’re not in any immediate danger. Jealousy, like most anxieties, doesn’t play well with our rational brain. Keep yourself grounded because it’s so easy for our anxious brains to override all reasoning.  

Self Care – Self care is so important in many parts of your life.  You shouldn’t really wait for a crisis to make this a priority.  But hey, if you’re already here then you might as well do it. Do something non-destructive that makes you happy.  This might be taking a bath, drawing, painting, or playing video games. You can totally bake some cookies and send them to me (as long as they don’t have raisins).  Don’t look at it as a distraction. Instead, think to yourself “I’m a valuable human being and I deserve to take care of myself and do this thing that makes me happy.”

Face Your Fears – This one may not be for everyone but I say go ahead and plan out the worst case scenario.  Imagine a scenario where your partner leaves you for this other person. You can’t control what they do, who they love and how they live their life.  They are a human being with free will to make the decisions that are the best for them. If it actually happened then guess what? You’re probably going to be just fine after some time.  Maybe at first it’s going to be awful but humans are biologically pretty resilient to change.

Mantras – Ok, if you’re an advanced meditator then just meditate.  The reality is that it would take a pretty advanced meditator to calm their mind in a state like this.  For that reason I recommend just borrowing a fragment of meditation: Mantras. Pick a phrase or even a single word and just keep repeating in your head over and over.  Do this while taking deep breaths. Here’s a few examples of what a mantra might be:

“I am awesome and if my partner leaves me then it’s their loss.”

“Love is not divided.  Love is Multiplied.”

“Jealousy will not control me.”

Or make up your own!

Write – You can use a computer, your phone or even an old school pen and paper.  Here are some ideas for things you can write:

Just Journal – Sometimes just writing down your thoughts can help tremendously.  Just spill your guts to yourself and see where it takes you.

Dig Deep – Write down the question “Why am I really feeling jealous?” Then answer it.  Then keep drilling down with why, how and what questions.  

Question: Why am I feeling jealous?
Answer: I’m feeling jealous because I’m afraid my partner will leave me.
Etc.

Gas Yourself Up – Write down all the reasons why you think you’re awesome and you make a great partner.  Take inventory of why you’re a catch and why your partner would be silly to leave you.  

Phone a Friend – Have someone you can confide in that is not your partner.  Also, make sure this friend has no stake in your relationships and is completely neutral (this is very important because you’re very vulnerable right now).  Talking to a friend can help in a couple of different ways. Just purely expressing your concerns and fears alone can be extremely helpful. One of the other less obvious reasons is that sometimes when you’re in a jealousy crisis you can feel very alone in the world.  Talking to a friend reminds you that you’re not alone and there’s something really comforting about that.

Turn on the waterworks  – Don’t fight it!  Let those eyeballs flow like a river.  It’s good for our bodies to cry and can even release good hormones.  Many people find the process of crying soothing. There’s conflicting research about whether there’s physiological evidence that crying reduces the stress hormones.  Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. It helps a lot of people and that’s what matters!  

What Not to do:

• Do not completely distract yourself.  If you just completely distract yourself then you’re not going to work towards being able to manage your feelings of jealousy.
• Do not call or text your partner while they are on a date telling them you’re having a crisis and they need to call you.  It’s manipulative and you’re putting the burden on them.  
• Do not make any big decisions.  You may think about leaving, giving an ultimatum, moving out, etc.  You definitely do not need to be making any decisions at a time like this.
• Do not beat yourself up.  Human bodies are funny things and we can’t always control how we physically react to things. Your feelings are valid and it’s ok.

The post Polyamory Tool Belt – Managing A Jealousy Crisis appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Rules come up a lot in my posts.  If you’ve read any of my posts that reference rules you know I don’t like them.  Polyamory is about having the capacity and ability to love multiple people. It’s about breaking free of the confines of monogamy and letting love exist wherever it naturally grows.  Rules trample all over that concept. I see a lot of people get confused about what’s a rule and what’s an agreement. What you’ll notice in my examples is that rules affect your partners relationship with others. Agreement focuses on the interaction between you and your partner. They focus on your own personal needs and boundaries without impacting your partner’s other relationships. I hope you find these helpful!

The post Rules Vs. Agreements – Part I appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Does that sound familiar?  Can you think of something in your relationship(s) that has gone unchecked?  Has it caused problems in your ecosystem?  

I think it’s fair to say that most relationships don’t end because of a giant asteroid crashing into them.  It’s usually something less catastrophic. Maybe a ‘white’ lie, a miscommunication or maybe even a small sacrifice for love.  When a professional ecologist is looking at an ecosystem and trying to solve a problem, they have to have foresight to see the long term consequences and all the pieces that are linked.  That’s a skill you can benefit from in managing your own relationship ecosystems.

I’m going to share with you 3 invasive species that can take over and destroy your relationship ecosystems.  I hope this will help you avoid introducing them or managing them when introduced. 

Distrust – Let’s say you’re texting your crush on your phone. Your partner asks who you’re talking to and you say “My Brother.” It seems trivial and you just didn’t want to cause them to feel insecure or have any bad feelings. You think you’re doing them a favor. Well, they find out you weren’t texting your brother and that you were actually texting your crush. You’ve now introduced distrust into your ecosystem. Now, every time your partner asks who you’re talking to they won’t believe you. They might ask you something more serious, like “Did you have unprotected sex when you went to that party?” and even if you didn’t and you told them as such, it’s still going to be nagging in their mind: “Well they lied to me about talking to their brother, what else would they lie to me about?” To resolve this, first, no more lies. No matter how trivial it seems. Next, take a lot of ownership for your mistake and give a lot of extra reassurance. Learning your partner’s apology languages can be extremely helpful to try and resolve something like this. You won’t fix this overnight, but you can’t allow it to go unchecked. Depending on the severity, it might even be worth considering counseling to work on removing this invasive species from your relationship ecosystem.

Resentment –  In terms of polyamory, resentment can come from all kinds of different places (e.g. sacrifices, broken agreements, etc.)  but it is the most prevalent in rules. Anybody that knows me, knows that I’m vehemently against rules in polyamory. One of the overarching reasons is because rules cause inevitable resentment.  Before I dive into an example, let me clarify that a rule is something you come up with to control someone else’s behavior and this is different from a boundary for yourself.  Let’s say you tell your partner that you don’t want them kissing someone on the first date (this is a rule). From your perspective, you’re just asking your partner to be considerate of your feelings and insecurities.  Your partner agrees to your rule thinking it’s not a big deal and they want you to be as comfortable as possible. Now your partner is out on a first date and is having an amazing date. The chemistry is off the charts! Your partner keeps finding themselves staring at their date’s lips.  All the stars have aligned perfectly to end this night with that magical first kiss. Your partner’s date asks for a kiss (because consent is required – it’s 2020). Now let’s break down the 2 outcomes:

Outcome 1) Your partner decides to go ahead and kiss their date. – You’re upset and resent your partner for breaking your rule that they agreed to.

Outcome 2) Your partner refrains from kissing their date – You have ruined this moment and your partner is going to resent you.  

It doesn’t matter who is at fault.  Both the rule maker and the rule breaker have responsibility in both outcomes. The fact of the matter is that the relationship ecosystem has been introduced to  resentment. Resentment can grow uncontrollably and is compounded as time goes on. Rules can be a breeding ground for this invasive species and the best way to avoid introducing this invasive species is by not having rules.  At the very minimum, don’t agree to rules that you know will cause you resentment. Rules aside, try and be cognizant when making decisions both large and small. Ask yourself, “Could this decision cause resentment in some way?”  If the answer is yes, figure out how to mitigate that. Everyone will be better off for it and you can maintain balance in your relationship ecosystems. .

New Relationship Energy (NRE) – If you don’t know what NRE is, it’s that feeling of immense love/lust you feel for someone when a relationship is new.  You stay up way too late talking to them, you check your phone constantly to see if they messaged and they are literally the only thing you can think about. It’s pretty consuming and it has been likened to doing cocaine.  When NRE is introduced to your relationship ecosystem, this can make even the strongest foundation crumble.  NRE is a little bit different than distrust and resentment as it’s almost unavoidable. Much like kudzu, NRE can be a positive thing when it’s controlled.  Afterall, kudzu is actually edible to humans, can create some really pretty scenery and makes excellent cow fodder. NRE can breathe some life into your existing relationships.  You may find your sex drive increased or your mood improved while experience NRE. When does NRE become bad? Well, imagine your existing relationships as trees and your time and attention as sunlight that gives life to those trees.  NRE, like kudzu, can prevent you from shining light on those trees to keep them alive.

How do you control it?  First of all, understand NRE for what it is.  Understanding how it affects your brain and your body can help a lot.  Don’t make any big decisions in (at least) the first 6 months of a relationship because that’s when NRE is at its strongest.  Another thing is to be intentional about the care and attention you give your trees. NRE comes in fast and strong and you have to learn to intentionally dial it back a little.  It can seem harmless but will quickly start destroying your relationship ecosystems if not managed well.  

If you think of your relationships as a delicate ecosystem it will help you be more vigilant when something bad can be introduced – you can’t just ignore it or let it go unchecked. Having this mindset will help give you a good chance at maintaining that balance you need in all of your relationships.  

The post 3 Invasive Species in the Relationship Ecosystem appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Here is a simple 4×4 Yes Test. Four simple rules and four simple questions. You’re not done with the test until you can answer yes to the 4 questions. If you’re checking in with your partner(s) regularly, the whole thing should take less than 10 minutes. This test leverages the power of good communication and should make navigating polyamory easier and more comfortable for everyone. It can help mitigate potential conflict on the front end through meaningful communication. In addition to using this for regular check in I also recommend you go through this anytime you might expect some potential conflict (date nights, trips, overnights, holidays, etc.). When going through the test, if either of you answer no to any of these, take a minute to talk it out until you feel like you can answer yes. When you can both answer yes to all these questions then you are in a great place to keep moving forward. Keep in mind that my tips are just that: tips. Every relationship is different and there’s always different agreements about how and what to communicate.

Rules:

1. Create a safe space. Agree to keep your emotions in check while you communicate through some hard conversations.
2. Share and Listen only. Don’t argue. Keep it in the back of your mind that there’s two perspectives and they won’t always meet in the middle.
3. Validate each other’s feelings even if you don’t understand them. Be ok with not always fully understanding them.
4. If you start to feel flustered and like you can’t talk rationally about the things being talked about, take some time to recenter yourself (verbally asking for a break). Before you take a break, promise yourself and your partner you will revisit the conversation soon (ideally the same day).

Questions:

1. Have you communicated expectations?

Tips: Setting expectations can be broad but for this example I’m going to use a scenario where one of you has an upcoming date night. You may be tempted to say you’ll be home at 10PM for your upcoming date night. You do this to make your partner feel better, but truthfully you might want to stay out as late as 2AM. If that’s the case, set the expectation that you’ll be home as late at 3AM. If you think there’s a small chance you might have sex, don’t say “We might have sex but I seriously doubt it.” just let them know you are going to have sex. Expectation setting can be a very powerful tool in mitigating hurt feelings.

2. Have you communicated feelings?

Tips: Below is a feeling chart that can help you navigate identifying your specific feelings. It’s another great tool to keep in your back pocket. Share how you’re feeling with your partner and why. Even if you’re just feeling content and nothing else. Make sure you each understand that your feelings are yours to own and that you’re just sharing them for consideration. Do not share your feelings with the expectation that your partner will change their behavior. That’s dangerous. If you want to see a behavior changed, address is explicitly. If you tell your partner that you’re feeling insecure do not expect them to cancel their plans because you’re feeling that way.

3. Have you communicated wants/needs?

Tips: Wants are bonus, needs are things you need. I want to see you 3 times a week, but I need to see you at least 1 time a week. Defining needs can be tricky but remember these 2 things: 1. Make sure your needs are directly related to YOU. Saying you need your partner to stop talking to someone because you’re feeling insecure is not a need. It’s a rule and it’s not cool. 2. Don’t generalize needs and be specific. “I need more physical touch” is too general. Try: “I need to make sure we make time to cuddle on our dates.”

4. Have you communicated concerns?

Tips: This can be kind of viewed as the problem solving conversation track. A good example of a concern is “I’m concerned that my trip to Dallas is going to cause you a lot of insecurity.” Another example can be “I’m concerned that you might have unprotected sex and not tell me because you’re afraid of how I might react.” Do not sit on these things. Work through them. You’ll be glad you did work through them before they became a bigger issue.

So much comfort can be found when you’re communicating and keeping one another on the same page. The simple act of saying out loud what you’re feeling can be surprisingly healing. When I’ve felt insecure and I shared that with my partners in a safe and constructive way it made me feel better. Many times we just need to feel heard. Use this as a simple tool to improve your communication in your relationships.

The post Polyamory Tool Belt – 4×4 Yes Test appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I’m going to be talking about hierarchy a lot in this article.  It’s a tricky topic so before I start, let’s start with the definition:

What is hierarchy? 

Hierarchy – a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority.

Is this something that happens when practicing polyamory?

All the time.  It is viewed in many circles as unethical as there’s usually unintended consequences and people get hurt.  It’s something to be aware of when navigating your relationships. Some people embrace being hierarchical and are, at least, honest about it. This is a little better than people who deny being hierarchical at all but actually are in every single way. 

Do I, the author, practice hierarchy?

I suppose I have a version of hierarchy in my relationship with my NP (nesting partner – someone you live with).  For example, I see my NP more than I would see someone else I was dating. That’s an inherent fact because my NP lives in the same house I do. Could that be considered a form of hierarchy? Possibly.  My NP gets the privilege (or maybe not always a privilege) of spending more time with me than anyone else I would date. I’ll accept that could be viewed as a form of hierarchy. On the surface, there seems to only be two sides to the coin: hierarchical and non-hierarchical. What about those of us that live somewhere in the middle?  Couples, throuples, or polycules that share housing or children and have some inherent hierarchy but are otherwise pretty autonomous. Does that mean only a non-nested polyamory person can truly be non-hierarchical? Perhaps. I really don’t have an answer and frankly I feel like the conversation of hierarchy can be talked in circles. 

Can you even quantify hierarchy?

You’re probably not supposed to, but I’m going to anyway.  Like almost all things that exist, hierarchy isn’t as black and white as it may seem on the surface.  Here is an arbitrary scale that I came up with that has no research or scientific backing at all. It’s still pretty awesome though and I love doing this kind of stuff:  

Anybody that didn’t pick up on it, I totally used the scale for hazardous materials. 

Why?

Because the higher you are on the scale the more hazardous you are to potential and existing partners.  

Well, I am a pretty solid 1.  Let me give you a hypothetical example to explain why:

I have my NP that I’ve been with for almost 3 years and we have a house together in South Carolina. I have been dating someone in Maine for about a year. They want me to move to Maine to be closer to them.  Logistically, it’s not impossible to do. However, my NP does not want to move to Maine. Sorry. I’m not going to move to Maine.

On the flip side: I make my own schedule, date whoever I want to date, have sex whenever and with whoever I want to have sex with and my NP has no veto power at all. In fact, we even have our own completely separate living spaces in the house that we own together (perks of buying a house post-polyam).

I try really hard to not be hierarchical.  I would love to be a 0 but I don’t really know how to accomplish that.  I’m certainly not going to leave my amazing relationship with my NP. I try to pay attention to my language and try not to use phrases like  “primary partner” and “secondary partner”. I’ll profess to the world that I practice egalitarian polyamory. And yet, despite having all of this autonomy and using specific language, I don’t think I could ever say I’m truly 100% non-hierarchical.  I’m good with a 1, though. That’s a good goal for most people. Most of us would struggle to ever be a 0 without adopting some RA (relationship anarchy) principles.   At the end of the day, just own where you’re at in your journey and be honest to those around you.  The less you let outside people influence your relationships the happier and healthier your relationships will be. 

The post The Confusing World of Hierarchy appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I’ve spent countless hours working on this. When I started my journey I had always wished there was a rule book for polyamory. Monogamy seems to have pretty clearly defined rules, why can’t polyamory? Well here it is. Finally. A rule book for polyamory:

Rule #1:

Treat the people you care about with basic human decency by being kind, honest and giving them space to be who they want to be.

The End.

The post The Polyamory Rule Book appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Are you married or in a long-term committed relationship and want to explore polyamory?  If so, here is a short guide for getting started. If not, enjoy this anyways. Be prepared for some hard truths, a little humor and a touch of loving encouragement.

Before we begin: If you want to find a “third” to date you and your partner at the same time, read this: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ Good luck! You’re jumping into the deep end of the pool without learning how to swim first. It seems like the easier and more comfortable route, but I promise it’s not. 

Be advised of the following:

• The odds are against you. I don’t have precise numbers and percentages – but since I’m writing this on the internet, it has to be true! In all seriousness, most mono-to-polyam conversions that I know have been unsuccessful (not all). This is not always because of polyamory.  Sometimes when people actually start communicating more, they realize they aren’t as in sync as they previously thought. There are a lot of possible outcomes here – but you need to be determined to beat the odds. With the right expectations and tools, I believe more people can make this type of relationship work.
• Polyam will bring every single problem in your relationship to the surface. All of a sudden there will be a huge spotlight on every argument you’ve ever had that did not get reconciled.  Remember that time you lied to your partner about eating all the cheerios? Yup, it’s time to talk about that. Every mismatch or disagreement will be put into sharp focus.
• Be prepared for the following:
  • Countless hours of hard talks.
  • Couples and/or individual therapy. 
  • Being forced to own your shit.*
  • Crying.  Lots and lots of crying.  Crying is good, by the way. I learned that from the movie Inside Out (It’s amazing, you should watch it!).  Let those waterworks flow!
• Get ready to completely rewire your brain. You have to unlearn countless years of behaviors and learn new ones.  Scrap everything you were taught about relationships and how they are supposed to be. You’re not in Kansas anymore.  
• Remember that when you start navigating polyam you’re dealing with real people with real feelings.  If you’re experimenting with polyamory, make sure you tell potential partners that’s where you’re at.

Step 1) Build your foundation –  Do some research and reading to help make sure you have the knowledge and skills to move forward. Many problems and heartache can be avoided with proper preparation.  Think of it as putting tools in your tool belt.

1. Read at least one of these books: More Than Two, The Ethical Slut, Opening Up. 
2. Read this and do the exercises: Jealousy Workbook
3. Learn who you are and get to know yourselves better.  Knowing who each of you are as individuals will help you so much in navigating hard times.  It also has the added benefit of being able to build healthier relationships with the people you will meet:
   1. Love and Apology Language Quizzes 
   2. Enneagram
   3. Attachment Styles
   4. 16 Personality Types
   5. Neuro Diversity
   6. Harry Potter Sorting Hat (Ok, this one is just for fun.)
4. Get on a calendar app if you’re not already.  In polyamory, calendars are life.
5. Figure out how to get really good at communication and expectation setting. Stat. This is the only way a polyam relationship will work.  Something that can be really helpful is creating a safe space to talk and have hard conversations. Agree to keep your cool and keep your emotions in check during this time.  Do these check-ins frequently. If you don’t talk, then you might as well go your separate ways now.

Step 2) Make the rules – Sit down and write down the rules that you want to put into place to make you the most comfortable in this transition into poly.  Think about what’s really important to you. Write down what you want and don’t want your partner doing with another partner to make you feel at ease with this transition.  It’s ok if this list is really long. We need to start somewhere. Be sure to write everything down using old-school pen and paper. This is extremely important for the next step.  

Step 3) Take care of the rules – This one will be a lot of fun! Go to the grocery store and get the things you need to make some s’mores. Then, build a fire. Now, Ceremoniously burn the rules you wrote down and enjoy your s’mores.  Accept right now that most, if not all of those rules will get broken at some point anyway. Realize that your partner is an individual and you don’t control them or their actions.  This is hard, but you’re going to have to accept this as a reality. I know – it’s scary. Trust me on this one. This is the only way this polayam relationship is going to work. This step will also help minimize opportunities for couples privilege to sneak in and ruin your other relationships (you’re welcome ).

Step 4) Make your agreements – I promise I won’t make you burn them. Now sit down and write down your needs that only directly affect YOU and correlate to YOUR needs.  This list should be relatively short. Talk about what safe sex practices look like, what your needs are to continue to feel connected with your partner. If your statement starts with “No…” then stop.  All your statements should start with “I need…” Share your lists with one another. You and your partner should be able to come to an agreement on how your relationship will work based on the needs you both bring forward.

Some quick examples of what’s acceptable:

1. I need at least one date night a week on the calendar to feel connected.
2. I need my partner to tell me if they have unprotected sex so I can determine how to keep my body safe.
3. I need physical touch at least 15 minutes a day.
   

Some quick examples of what’s not acceptable:

1. No sex on the first date.*
2. No kissing until I’m comfortable.*
3. No fingering without gloves.* ← I didn’t make that up.  

IMPORTANT: Making agreements that you aren’t comfortable with will result in resentment.  You may not agree with your partners needs 100% but there might be a compromise that won’t cause resentment.  

Step 5)  Prepare yourself –  You are almost ready to create your dating profiles and join some facebook groups to put yourself out there.  Just a few more things to consider – we need to set some realistic expectations for this stage of polyamory.

1. One of you will fall in love with someone before the other. It’s going to be hard.
2. You’re going to get judged by the mono-normative types on dating sites.   You’re now some crazy-sex-addicted-cultist-heathen destroying everything they were raised to believe.
3. You’re going to probably have to go to battle with some demons. Particularly the green eyed ones.*
4. A bunch of men will ask you for a threesome.

Step 6) Unravel your codependency – Spend a few weeks/months/years/decades (or whatever it takes) working on untangling from one another.  Realize that there’s a 99% chance that you have some level of codependency happening in your relationship. It’s not your fault – we are raised to think that’s how relationships are supposed to look.  But you need to squash that codependency ASAP. Codependency is one of the hardest things to shift while navigating polyam. Try sleeping in separate rooms a few nights a week, eating meals by yourselves, or making plans with your own friends while not bringing along your partner.  These are all things that will happen when a new partner is introduced, so you might as well start working on those skills now. You’ll each have to get comfortable with the other person being gone in some capacity. 

Step 7) Putting yourself out there – Now that you have some realistic expectations, go ahead and create your dating profiles.  Don’t make a dating profile for you as a couple. It’s weird (you’re welcome ). Remember, you’re two separate people with two separate needs and two separate identities. Always put that you’re polyam in your profile somehow.  You don’t want to have to drop that bombshell after you’ve met someone who may not be expecting it. While labels aren’t for everyone, a lot of the community can appreciate them. You’re giving someone A LOT of information in a very succinct way. For example, I can tell someone a lot about myself by introducing myself as a pansexual–demisexual–cis–atheist–INFP–Hufflepuff.

Step 8) Hold on tight – Prepare for some turbulence.  This is the part where you start making some amazing connections and things are heating up. NRE (new relationship energy) is in full swing and it’s not much different than doing cocaine.  It’s hard to keep a clear head with all those chemicals bouncing around in your brain. Things are going to start getting tumultuous as you navigate all of these new and exciting connections.  You thought you talked about every possible scenario. Well, that’s impossible. Just make sure you’re always talking to everyone involved about what’s going on as it happens.

Step 9) Take a deep breath – You’re finally through the worst of it and now you’re just coasting! Everything is perfect and super easy. You no longer have to worry about hurt feelings or not meeting one another’s needs.  No more arguments, no more jealousy and no more sad feelings… sike! That almost never happens. It does get easier and the good that inviting limitless love into our lives will far outweigh the bad.

As you can see, this is less a guide and more a bunch of warnings about what to expect.  I look around and see monogamous relationships ending (ending, not failing, because ending a relationship does not equate to failure) because of the hardships of opening up a relationship. I believe a lot of these relationships end unnecessarily because people aren’t prepared and have no idea what to expect.  Getting into polyamory can be like walking into a dark room with no shoes on and a bunch of LEGO’s scattered everywhere. I hope reading this gives you even a little bit of light to help you navigate your journey and avoid some of those little Satan engineered plastic blocks.

*Seriously. Own your shit.

Full Disclaimer: my mono-to-polyam transition didn’t work so I probably don’t even know what I’m talking about.

The post You Want to Be Polyamorous? – Buckle Up! appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Dear Couple Who Is New To Polyamory,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that when you ask for advice it feels like you’re being attacked.  I’m sorry that your new venture into this exciting thing feels like a world of judgement.  I know it’s hard to navigate these feelings because I was once new to polyamory. I can remember feeling like people didn’t understand my situation.  I knew I wasn’t a bad person and I cared about people. I knew I had nothing but good intentions. Now, with the gift of hindsight, I can see how naive I was.  My naivety hurt people even when I was very clear about my circumstances of being new to polyamory. 

Most of the time when we, the seasoned polyam person is giving advice, it’s because we made many mistakes already.  Most of us left a trail of broken hearts and hurt feelings because we didn’t listen. We don’t want to see other people making the same mistakes we made so we try desperately to get through to you.  This advice can come across to you as condescending or off-base. I promise, it’s not. There is a lot of value in listening to your peers. Please consider the wisdom we share.  

I must admit, there is bad advice out there.  Take into account that when you’re getting the same advice from multiple people, there is probably some validity to the advice you receive. Here is a couple of things I want you to hear and not disregard:

1. We don’t think it’s a good idea for you to start dating as a couple.  Just don’t. As long as you date as a couple, you’re always going to put yourselves and your relationship ahead of another person (this is called couple’s privilege).  Even if they consent to this type of relationship, you will hurt them. You both are not a single entity that is some great treasure to offer someone else. It’s very naive to think of yourself that way.  You and your current partner are two very different humans. A successful and healthy triad is rare and usually comes about when it happens organically – through two people dating first and then introducing a possible additional partner.  Dating together sounds easier, but it’s quite the opposite. There is a reason this sentiment is shared by so many people. We aren’t just trying to take the wind out of your sails, but instead give you the best chance at happy and healthy relationships down the line. If you read this and thought “I still don’t see why it’s a problem.” then please read this: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
   
   
2. I know it’s hard to hear, but when we push you to be more autonomous we know what we are talking about.  Autonomy is the magic key to polyamory. Learn to think of yourself and your partner(s) as their own people.  Don’t try to control them and don’t let yourself be controlled. Be your own person and let your partner be their own person. Only then can you be successful in opening up your relationship. When someone new to polyamory posts on a forum or Facebook page about how they are exhibiting a controlling behavior or being controlled, you can almost hear a collective sigh from the people responding.  Not really sure where to start with this? First, acknowledge there is codependency in your existing partnership. If you swear you aren’t codependent, you most definitely are. Every couple is to some extent. Work on untangling yourselves and breaking that codependency for the sake of your other relationships.
   
   
3. We truly sympathize with you when you say you’re feeling jealous.  However, it is a current that YOU have to swim against. If you rely on your partner to throw you a life-saver every time you start to struggle, you won’t become a stronger swimmer.  Don’t make your partner come home early from their date because you’re struggling. Sit in those feelings and learn how to be ok with them. This might be surprising, but even some of the most experienced polyam folks still have bouts of jealousy and insecurity.  The more comfortable you get with these feelings, the easier it gets to work through it on your own. Humans are weird creatures. When we feel insecure, we act out in negative and controlling ways. Sometimes this can be overtly and sometimes it can be covertly. Insecurity can cause anyone to push away and alienate the people we are scared of losing.  
   
   
4. We know that polyamory will not fix your broken relationship.  Some people will say “It helped save ours.” They are the exception and not the rule.  Just know that polyamory has a way of shining a huge spotlight on all the existing issues in a relationship.  All of a sudden you HAVE to talk about things. Everything is under a microscope and sweeping things under the rug is no longer going to cut it. At a minimum, work really hard on your existing relationship while pursuing other relationships.
   
   
5. For the hetero guys: Demanding your partner only seek out relationships with the same sex is giving you a false sense of security. Your girlfriend/wife will just as likely leave you for another woman as she would a man. 
   
   
6. When we say “Did you talk to your partner?” We aren’t just trying to get smart with you. We really want you to talk to your partner.  It’s the quickest and easiest way to work through whatever you’re going through. The only person that knows your partner’s feelings and intentions is your partner.  You will have a lot easier time processing and working through your problems with all the information. When you come asking for advice and we ask “What does your partner think?” and you haven’t talked to them yet then we just want to encourage you to do that.
   
   
7. When we suggest a therapist, it isn’t just an easy answer or a way to avoid helping you. Sometimes it’s the only answer.  Relationships are complex and polyamory only adds to that complexity. No amount of books, articles and forums can replace a professional therapist.  There is nothing wrong needing a therapist. It’s 2020, and having a therapist is as normal as going to a primary care doctor.

Polyamory is beautiful.  You’re going to grow so much through this process.  You’re going to have to learn your own hard lessons like we all did.  There is no amount of advice we can give you to prevent all the difficult feelings you will experience on this journey.  What I can tell you is that it’s worth it. Once you work through all the difficulties that come with opening up to polyamory, there is a world where love and support is truly multiplied and it’s an amazing thing to experience. . 

Sincerely,

A Genuinely Concerned Peer

The post An Open Letter to Those Who Feel Attacked in Polyamory appeared first on Trying To Thrive.