The post Hello. My Name is Lucas. I’m a Recovering People Pleaser. appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

When something, like monogamy, is written into our brain at a young age and for so long, our brains don’t like to let go of that.  Your brain is saying “No!  This is what’s been there and you’re still alive so I’m keeping it!!!!”  Not only were most of us polyamory folks programmed with  monogamy at a young age but a lot of us spent at least some part of our adult lives reinforcing monogamous constructs in our own relationships.

Our brains are quite complex but if we really break down what’s happening in there then it’s really just computation.  Much like a computer, we process data and decide what to do with that data. For example: Imagine someone throws a ball in your direction.  You process the trajectory of that ball and when you calculate the trajectory of that ball and it happens to line up with your face, you throw your arms up to try and stop the ball from hitting you.  Well, you try anyway (sorry if you got the poor reflex genes).  Sometimes our brains are dumb, though.  Have you ever been watching a video where a ball comes straight for the camera and you throw up your hands anyways?  Logically, you know it’s not going to come out of the screen and hit you.  It doesn’t matter and your brain still says “OMG PROTECT YOUR FACE!!!”

That’s because that response is hard coded into your brain (Probably from when you were young and trying to learn to play catch and kept getting hit in the face.)  Your brain is processing:

Projectile + Face = Protect

Now what happens when you watch that video a couple of times and you know what’s coming?  Your reaction changes because you know what to expect.  You start programming new data in your brain:

Projectile + Face = Protect Except When I’m watching this particular video

Let’s take this one step further.  Fast forward a few months later and a friend sends you that same video of the ball coming towards the camera.  You recognize it immediately and you know what’s going to happen but you still jump. Your brain has reverted back to its default original code of:

Projectile + Face = Protect

Eventually, if you watch that same video regularly and with some consistency then over time you will change how you react to it.  Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it.  That’s because you will have rewritten your default code (Projectile + Face = Protect) to include the variables of that video (Except When I’m watching this particular video) .  Granted, this is a severe oversimplification of how our brains actually work. 

For the sake of keeping it simple (and nerdy), let’s pretend like our brains handle data like a computer.

Our base code of things like hunger, breathing, reproduction, emotion and similar primal traits are pre-built for us when we’re developing inside of our mothers.  This is basically our BIOS (a joke for the nerds, not important).  The rest of our hard coding is done in the earlier part of our life.  Most of it is authored by the adults in our life, our teachers, our peers, our observations and even inanimate objects.  Since most of us in the polyamory community grew up being fed data about monogamy from a very early age, that is what has been hard coded into our brains.  We’ve literally been taught to process relationships in the context of monogamy.   This is probably why it’s so hard for couples who have been mostly monogamous to all of a sudden open up their relationship.  They are trying to process polyamory variables with monogamous code. Let’s look at a few things that are probably hard coded in us about the context of monogamy at a very early age. 

• Your partner starts to get feelings for someone else = They are a piece of trash human and can’t possibly be in love with you! 
• Your partner won’t give you their passwords = They are obviously hiding something and can’t be trusted!
• You feel jealous = This is your partner’s fault and they are responsible for this!

Obviously these are the toxic parts of monogamy and not all parts of monogamy are bad. However, these things are reinforced as totally acceptable reactions.  Eventually, after time and through the tedious process of deprogramming monogamy and reprogramming for polyamory you might actually end up here: 

• Your partner starts to get feelings for someone else = YAY!!!! 
• Your partner won’t give you their passwords = That is a very reasonable thing.
• You feel Jealous = Let me figure out why I feel this way so I can work on this. 

We are only scratching the surface here.  This is just a few of many ways we process the constructs of monogamy.  

Something I’ve been working through recently is my habit of thinking about my relationships in terms of a relationship escalator (dating, cohabitating, marriage, etc.).  While this works for the monogamous structure and isn’t necessarily bad, it makes navigating multiple relationships simultaneously extremely difficult. My conscious brain knows that I don’t want to be on any kind of relationship escalator but my subconscious was still processing the original monogamous code.  I’d still process my feelings through a filter with questions like these: 

Could I live with this person?  
Are all of our life choices compatible?  
What if they want kids?
Do I see myself with this person in 10 years?

Why would it matter if I could live with this person if I don’t have the intention to live with the people I date?  Well, it’s because it’s still hard coded into my brain that every relationship has to have a particular outcome and be part of a escalator.  After all, we grow up thinking that opening our heart to someone means marriage, the house, kids and dying together.   This type of thinking was preventing me from letting connections grow organically and just be how they are.  I’d be quick to close the door on something if the person didn’t align with what I’d be looking for in a monogamous structure.  All of this processing is happening in the background, and I didn’t put those pieces together until recently when I really started to analyze my patterns.  Now that I’ve recognized the patterns and can work on it, I’m navigating connections with people who I would have otherwise closed off.

Again, deprogramming your brain is HARD.  Unlearning things is HARD.  Especially something that is hard coded from an early age.  Here’s some tips I have on working through the process of deprogramming monogamy from your brain:

• Watch how you react to things and ask yourself “Is the way I’m processing this situation related to my understanding of monogamy?” You may be surprised at how often the answer is yes and doesn’t need to be yes.
• Be patient with yourself.  Reprogramming our brain doesn’t happen overnight.  People spend years in therapy using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)  to reprogram their brains.
• Observe your peers who have healthy polyamorous relationships.  Watch closely and your brain will start making other connections just from these observations.
• Read as much as you can about polyamory.  (Like my blog.  I know.  I’m shameless. Ok but for real, there’s lots of great resources out there. A good start is More Than Two )
• Journal through your journey.  Write down what changed for you that day in how you think about polyamory and monogamy.  
• Make a list of all of the things you know about monogamy and what you think you were taught about it.  Now make a contrasting list thinking about how polyamory changes those constructs.  Here is a quick example:
  

These are just some tips but do what works best for you.  Don’t dismiss therapy if needed.  It has worked for lots of people in the polyamory community and can really help you no matter where you are in your journey.  

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I started to think about what I have gained spending the last 6 years of my life adopting this way of managing my relationships.  I was thinking about how much it has changed me for the better. Sure, there’s been some really hard parts along my journey. Hard breakups, hard lessons, hard feelings and hard choices. If I reverted to monogamy today, I would honestly say that my journey through polyamory made me a better person. Here’s 5 mental muscles that I’ve been exercising for the last 6 years on my journey:

Communication – You have to do a lot of it.  Every new connection takes a ton of communication. You start to get better at communicating all kinds of things: expectations, wants, needs, fears, excitement, etc.  During all this communication I started learning how to have more productive conversations. I learned how toxic my penchant for stonewalling was and was able to work on that. I started to learn the value of transparency and being forthright with my thoughts.  I learned that being transparent and honest can be awkward and uncomfortable but it always plays out so much better afterwards.  I look back at the communication habits I had before polyamory and it makes me cringe.  

Emotional Maturity – Before polyamory I was not a very emotionally intelligent person.  I was not good at identifying feelings and articulating them into words. I had already recognized before polyamory that I was not neurotypical and emotions were harder for me to process.  I knew it was a weakness but I had not done a ton of work on it. Once polyamory was introduced into my life I was forced to really process and analyze a large range of emotions very frequently. There’s just so many emotions happening when you’re exploring new relationships (or even multiple relationships at the same time).  I used to refer to a feelings wheel as a crutch when I was trying to find the words to explain my feelings.  Thanks to polyamory I do pretty well on my own now! I understand better how each of those feelings affect me and ways that I can process and manage them.

Setting Boundaries – This was probably one of my most undeveloped mental muscles before polyamory.  I think it’s also an extremely underrated skill. I have to say that this is probably one of the mental muscles I have to help most of my friends work on.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dispensed advice to friends using the phrase “It sounds like you need to set some boundaries.” See, in my monogamous life I never really thought of setting boundaries that often.  There’s very much of a “What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine” mentality that goes way beyond just tangible resources. I grew up hearing “Pick your battles” and “Relationships are about sacrifice” so I didn’t think it was ok to set boundaries with people I loved and cared about it.  I learned, through managing multiple relationships, that it’s not only OK but most people appreciate it.  

Self Worth –  Oof. This one is about insecurity and jealousy which is one of the scariest parts of polyamory for most folks.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I’m way too jealous for polyamory.” I’d have many many dollars. Yes, it’s a hard thing to work on but there’s good news!  It’s 100% worth it. I watched a clip from a radio show recently where I listened to an attractive, fit, masculine, tattooed person talk about how dealing with his insecurities in a polyamorous relationship was more painful than sitting through his 26 hour tattoo.  I think most people who have walked the path of polyamory will agree that it’s very hard. You know what, though? Working through those insecurities has made me a stronger person. Dealing with those things forced me to really look at myself and see what the people who love me see.  Everyday I’m humbled by the amazing people around me, but I have managed to amass enough self worth to not feel threatened by other humans. Sure, I still get some twinges of insecurity (especially early in relationships) but those demons only get easier and easier to fight the more I do it.

Self Awareness – Before polyamory I was so painfully unaware of who I was that I have a hard time imagining how I existed in the world.  I was trying to form opinions and views about myself and the world around me based on very little feedback. When you connect with more people on a deeper level it inherently comes with more feedback.  You’ll always get a lot of good feedback but sometimes there’s bad feedback. Imagine someone you love is telling you that you have a bad habit of talking over them in social situations. What you do with that information is really important and if you don’t listen then you won’t ever see yourself do it.  As I got more and more feedback from various connections, I learned about myself and how the world sees me. I was able to learn what people liked about me and what they didn’t like. I didn’t up and change who I was every time I got some kind of feedback but I listened and was thoughtful about what I chose to do with it. 

There’s so much more I’ve gained from this journey and I’m just skimming the surface here. I’m pretty sure you get the gist. There is many benefits but one of the things that’s so great about working out these mental muscles is that it doesn’t just stop with romantic relationships. Each of those things I can take and apply to all versions of myself and different parts of my life. If I stopped being polyamorous today I would have to thank that part of my life for the tremendous growth it has provided me over the last 6 years.  I strongly believe that it will open up way more doors for me than just romantic ones. Alas, I can’t ever imagine looking back. My polyamory journey may ebb and flow as it has in the past but it’s part of who I am at my core.  The best part? I have many more years of learning and growing to look forward to.   

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