A couple of quick disclaimers:  

• I can only talk about an OPP in the context of polyamory.  I know this can be included in some contracts in BDSM and I can’t say if it’s good or bad because I don’t have experience with that.
• I acknowledge and have personally known people with A One Pussy Policy so I can say it’s not exclusive to penises.  The truth is that there’s many different configurations of relationships and genders that can suffer from this. The issue is not unique to hetero-normative folks.  With that said, I’m going to talk about it in the context of One Penis Policy in a hetero-normative capacity for clarity.

What it is:

The One Penis Policy (OPP) is when the owner of a penis doesn’t allow their partners to date or have sex with other people that also have a penis. Most often, the rule doesn’t apply to them and they can date people regardless of that person’s genitals. Sometimes this is done blatantly but many times it’s done passively (e.g. the person with the OPP might be way less supportive of their partner having a relationship with someone with a penis).

How it starts:

Obviously, everyone’s story is a little different.  Let’s just look at a pretty typical tale of how one might find themselves with an OPP.  We are going to use the fictional characters Jane and John.

1. Jane is in a long term relationship with John.
2. Jane craves an intimate connection with a woman.
3. Jane tells John about this desire.
4. John says they are ok with Jane exploring it as long as Jane only sticks to women.
5. Jane is grateful for the flexibility of their current partner and agrees to that stipulation. 

How it goes:

1. Jane starts exploring connections with women.
2. Despite her efforts in trying to connect with another woman, Jane accidentally connects with someone that has a penis.
3. Jane is human and wants exactly what she can’t have.
4. Jane confronts John and tells him they are starting to get feelings for someone that has a penis.

What Happens:

1. John is upset and frustrated that Jane started getting feelings for someone with a penis.
2. Jane starts to resent John because Jane doesn’t understand why genitals matter.
3. John says genitals don’t matter and he is upset Jane changed the rules.
4. Jane calls B.S. and Jane is right. Jane did still break the rules, though.

What’s Really Happening:

John is insecure. He doesn’t feel safe and he feels threatened by Jane dating someone with a penis. Insecurity isn’t a good feeling and John thinks Jane is trying to destroy their relationship. The reality is that Jane wants nothing more than to keep John in her life while inviting more love into her heart. John’s primal brain overshadows all reason and he thinks Jane will find a better penis and then leave him.  When in reality, her love for him extends way past his dangly bits. 

For John:

Let’s look at this objectively and strip away all the insecurities.  By having an OPP, what you’re saying is that you think your penis is the deciding factor in Jane’s love for you.  Is your penis really that special? No offense but it’s probably not. Jane can go to a store and buy a penis off the shelf.  If you break down the human body and just think of it as a bunch of tiny atoms pieced together, does it really matter how those atoms are formed?  Are you only dating Jane because of how her atoms are formed on a structural level? Hopefully that’s not the only reason. Sure, the atoms that create Jane’s body, face and genitals make up a certain geometry that your brain processes as attractive. However, don’t you really love Jane because of the person she is?  I know it’s hard and scary and you probably have some work to do. Trust me when I say you should do the work to be comfortable accepting Jane’s relationship regardless of her partner’s genitals . You will both benefit in the long haul and you’ll be happy you did the hard work. 

Just try to remember this: One of the most loving ways to love someone is to let the person you love be free to love who they want to love.

For Jane:

I hope you learned your lesson.  Don’t agree to stipulations that put boundaries on your capacity to love.  At the end of the day, you still broke an agreement. You will have to take some responsibility for that.  You’re going to have to learn to say no to things that you can’t fully 100% commit to.

In Conclusion:

If Polyamory is about loving and respecting someone enough to not keep them from sharing their heart with others then the OPP is just a big F-U to that. Not to mention that it’s a breeding ground for resentment, which is one of the 3 invasive species in the relationship ecosystem. This is why I’m not down with the OPP and you shouldn’t be either.

The post Why I’m Not Down With The OPP appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Dear Couple Who Is New To Polyamory,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that when you ask for advice it feels like you’re being attacked.  I’m sorry that your new venture into this exciting thing feels like a world of judgement.  I know it’s hard to navigate these feelings because I was once new to polyamory. I can remember feeling like people didn’t understand my situation.  I knew I wasn’t a bad person and I cared about people. I knew I had nothing but good intentions. Now, with the gift of hindsight, I can see how naive I was.  My naivety hurt people even when I was very clear about my circumstances of being new to polyamory. 

Most of the time when we, the seasoned polyam person is giving advice, it’s because we made many mistakes already.  Most of us left a trail of broken hearts and hurt feelings because we didn’t listen. We don’t want to see other people making the same mistakes we made so we try desperately to get through to you.  This advice can come across to you as condescending or off-base. I promise, it’s not. There is a lot of value in listening to your peers. Please consider the wisdom we share.  

I must admit, there is bad advice out there.  Take into account that when you’re getting the same advice from multiple people, there is probably some validity to the advice you receive. Here is a couple of things I want you to hear and not disregard:

1. We don’t think it’s a good idea for you to start dating as a couple.  Just don’t. As long as you date as a couple, you’re always going to put yourselves and your relationship ahead of another person (this is called couple’s privilege).  Even if they consent to this type of relationship, you will hurt them. You both are not a single entity that is some great treasure to offer someone else. It’s very naive to think of yourself that way.  You and your current partner are two very different humans. A successful and healthy triad is rare and usually comes about when it happens organically – through two people dating first and then introducing a possible additional partner.  Dating together sounds easier, but it’s quite the opposite. There is a reason this sentiment is shared by so many people. We aren’t just trying to take the wind out of your sails, but instead give you the best chance at happy and healthy relationships down the line. If you read this and thought “I still don’t see why it’s a problem.” then please read this: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
   
   
2. I know it’s hard to hear, but when we push you to be more autonomous we know what we are talking about.  Autonomy is the magic key to polyamory. Learn to think of yourself and your partner(s) as their own people.  Don’t try to control them and don’t let yourself be controlled. Be your own person and let your partner be their own person. Only then can you be successful in opening up your relationship. When someone new to polyamory posts on a forum or Facebook page about how they are exhibiting a controlling behavior or being controlled, you can almost hear a collective sigh from the people responding.  Not really sure where to start with this? First, acknowledge there is codependency in your existing partnership. If you swear you aren’t codependent, you most definitely are. Every couple is to some extent. Work on untangling yourselves and breaking that codependency for the sake of your other relationships.
   
   
3. We truly sympathize with you when you say you’re feeling jealous.  However, it is a current that YOU have to swim against. If you rely on your partner to throw you a life-saver every time you start to struggle, you won’t become a stronger swimmer.  Don’t make your partner come home early from their date because you’re struggling. Sit in those feelings and learn how to be ok with them. This might be surprising, but even some of the most experienced polyam folks still have bouts of jealousy and insecurity.  The more comfortable you get with these feelings, the easier it gets to work through it on your own. Humans are weird creatures. When we feel insecure, we act out in negative and controlling ways. Sometimes this can be overtly and sometimes it can be covertly. Insecurity can cause anyone to push away and alienate the people we are scared of losing.  
   
   
4. We know that polyamory will not fix your broken relationship.  Some people will say “It helped save ours.” They are the exception and not the rule.  Just know that polyamory has a way of shining a huge spotlight on all the existing issues in a relationship.  All of a sudden you HAVE to talk about things. Everything is under a microscope and sweeping things under the rug is no longer going to cut it. At a minimum, work really hard on your existing relationship while pursuing other relationships.
   
   
5. For the hetero guys: Demanding your partner only seek out relationships with the same sex is giving you a false sense of security. Your girlfriend/wife will just as likely leave you for another woman as she would a man. 
   
   
6. When we say “Did you talk to your partner?” We aren’t just trying to get smart with you. We really want you to talk to your partner.  It’s the quickest and easiest way to work through whatever you’re going through. The only person that knows your partner’s feelings and intentions is your partner.  You will have a lot easier time processing and working through your problems with all the information. When you come asking for advice and we ask “What does your partner think?” and you haven’t talked to them yet then we just want to encourage you to do that.
   
   
7. When we suggest a therapist, it isn’t just an easy answer or a way to avoid helping you. Sometimes it’s the only answer.  Relationships are complex and polyamory only adds to that complexity. No amount of books, articles and forums can replace a professional therapist.  There is nothing wrong needing a therapist. It’s 2020, and having a therapist is as normal as going to a primary care doctor.

Polyamory is beautiful.  You’re going to grow so much through this process.  You’re going to have to learn your own hard lessons like we all did.  There is no amount of advice we can give you to prevent all the difficult feelings you will experience on this journey.  What I can tell you is that it’s worth it. Once you work through all the difficulties that come with opening up to polyamory, there is a world where love and support is truly multiplied and it’s an amazing thing to experience. . 

Sincerely,

A Genuinely Concerned Peer

The post An Open Letter to Those Who Feel Attacked in Polyamory appeared first on Trying To Thrive.