I want to share some of my processing on this question. As per usual, I hope it will help get the wheels turning for you on this topic.

It’s easy to forget sometimes but I have to remind myself: Communication is bi-directional.  You’re giving and receiving continuous feedback in both directions at all times.  You produce sounds (or text) that turn into language that enter someone else’s thoughts then someone processes their thoughts on how they receive that language and they produce sounds that turn into language that turn into thoughts that now have to be processed with the layer of the previous exchange of sounds, language and thoughts.  

I hope you get the gist:  When you really start to think about the actual operation of communication in its entirety, there’s A LOT of data points going back and forth when communicating.  

Let’s think about it in terms of sound frequencies (vibrations) that travel through the air.  

Sometimes those communication frequencies between two people are very in-sync and line up in a harmonious way that is pleasant to experience (e.g. my nesting partner and I communicate at a compatible frequency and therefore communication comes easy between us). Sometimes those two frequencies come together and create a noticeable imbalance (or a frequency “beat” if you want to get nerdy). That imbalance can be a very unpleasant thing to experience.

On average, a human can hear a range of about 20,000 different frequencies when measured by Hertz (20Hz to 20,000Hz give or take). Much like the large human audible range, the range of communication compatibilities is ENORMOUS. That’s because there is so many variables.  That means to be a perfect communicator, YOU have to have the skills to be able to dial in precisely to each person’s frequency.  I honestly don’t even know if that’s possible.  Even professionals where it’s a big part of their job to figure out how to get through to other humans (e.g. therapists) can’t dial into everyone’s frequency just right.  That’s why a therapist can be highly regarded by some and seen as awful by others.  This is why it’s important to remember that communication compatibility is important in all aspects of our life.  Not just your romantic relationships.

Here’s the thing about me: I can talk about anything and everything.  I can spill my guts, express difficult concerns, set expectations that I know might be hard to hear.  I can check in regularly about my feelings.  I can be very forward and transparent.  I can share all my wants and needs.

IF

The person I’m communicating with and myself have frequencies that vibe. 

If the person I’m communicating with and myself don’t have frequencies that vibe, then I struggle with communicating some or all those things.  It can cause my brain to shut down and malfunction.  

Folks who operate at a similar frequency as myself might think I’m an excellent communicator.  For example, they might appreciate forwardness above all else.  On the flip side, someone who communicates at a different frequency might find that forwardness isn’t always compassionate.  They also might find my level of communication is exhausting and too much.  All of a sudden my communication skills don’t feel so great.

Because I’m neurodiverse and easily overstimulated, I prefer non/low emotional dialog.  I like to communicate calmly and with an even tone.  I want either party to be able to take a step back from the dialog if they are having strong emotions so they have time to process. That’s not a format of communication where everyone feels comfortable.  Some people may feel like it’s impossible to communicate hard things without leaning into their emotions and that’s 100% valid (any maybe even more normal).  To some people, I might just seem like some kind of robot completely void of emotions.

It’s not because the other people have sub-par communication and my communication is superior or vice versa. I’m just me and they are just them.  They may be great at expressing the core fundamentals of communicating effectively (sharing feelings, setting expectations, expressing wants/needs, etc.) .  It’s not just “what” they’re expressing when evaluating compatibility in communication but it’s also “when” and “how”, too.  Let’s take a quick look at how the “when” and “how” can add so many layers to the “what”:

When:  Have you ever said something at a very wrong time?  I sure have. Maybe it was the right time for me but wrong for the person who was hearing it. Maybe it’s important to have certain communication on a full stomach so you aren’t hangry.  Maybe it’s important that you don’t hear about a new crush right after a long day of exhausting work.  Sometimes people want to talk things out immediately and sometimes people want to sit in their feelings for a bit to process so there may be a different sense of urgency.

How: The method can include your tone, your volume and your expressions.  It can also include different modalities of communication like text, email, face-to-face or over the phone.  Some of you will say “text please” for hard convos and some will say “face-to-face please”.  It doesn’t mean one is better, it just means you simply have different preferences.  Sometimes, to the detriment of my fellow neurodiverse folks, even passive aggressive communication works for some people.  It can feel playful and fun and be effective for those two people.

Again: So. Many. Variables.

I’ve come a long way in my communication from where I started.  The version of me 10 years ago didn’t even have the core elements of communication down.  I was a bottler and I’d just bottle everything up.  It was miserable to myself and miserable to my loved ones as well.  So yeah, I’m a better communicator than I used to be but I want to keep developing those skills even more. All the work I’ve done on communication has given me some very happy and healthy relationships.  Not ONLY because I worked on my communication but also because I’ve found people who communicate at a compatible frequency.

While you strive to be a better communicator, don’t strive for perfection.  It’s just not achievable.  Keep trying to grow and expand your communication skills, because growth in that area of your life will serve you well.  You’ll be able to dial into more frequencies than just your own.  Just don’t be too hard on yourself if your method of communication doesn’t work for every single person you come across.  It just won’t.  Seek out some level of compatibility of frequencies to have a sense of harmony in your relationships.  Just know that no matter how good you think you get at communicating, you’re not the only person in that equation.

If you want a good quick and dirty 101 on sound frequencies check out this short video .

The post The Complexities Of Compatibility In Communication appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I did.  I know many of you did.  But why?????

Well, we might have found ourselves stuck in the:

Sunk Cost Fallacy

Before I dive into the Sunk Cost Fallacy I want you to know this: My blog posts are intentionally short and are designed to get your wheels turning. There is no way I can cover all the “What if” scenarios on this topic. Please don’t make a huge decision about your relationships solely because of this one blog post from a random person on the internet. Let this post be an opportunity for you to learn and consider a new perspective and give you something to think about.

As usual with my blog posts, let’s start with a definition of the Sunk Cost Fallacy:

Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behavior or endeavor as a result of previously invested resources (time, money or effort) (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). This fallacy, which is related to loss aversion and status quo bias, can also be viewed as bias resulting from an ongoing commitment. – behavioraleconomics.com

While this fallacy is applied primarily to financial investments, it’s not exclusive to that.  However, let’s start with the financial lens first:

Have you ever watched a show like Shark Tank or Dragons’ Den where people come to investors to acquire money and help them grow their business?  If so, you’ll see the Sunk Cost Fallacy at play all the time.  Someone who is trying to keep their business going will sell everything they own, take a loan against their house, and borrow from anyone who will loan them money.  All because they think their business idea or product is going to be the next big thing, and they think they are just one more loan or business contact away from making it happen.  Here’s the thing: Many of them are already many years into their endeavor by the time they come onto that show.  Sometimes even over a decade of pursuing their business with a loss year after year.  Despite all the VERY clear data that their business wasn’t working, they continued to stick with it and continued to not succeed.  They just continued to lose more and more money every single year.

So why have these people continued their business despite experiencing a continued loss year after year?  Why do they ignore all the data and evidence that’s right in front of them that their business is failing?  It’s the Sunk Cost Fallacy.  They have invested SO MUCH time, energy and money into their business that they feel like giving up is not even an option.  They feel like they HAVE to make it work because they’ve put so much into it.  So they continue on way longer than they should have in the first place.

Someone from the outside without the emotional connection can easily see that stopping at any point before now would mean they would have experienced less loss altogether.  Usually the “Shark” or “Dragon” will tell the entrepreneur to “Please, stop.  Please stop before you keep digging this hole deeper and deeper.”  

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is not just a human trait, it’s an emotional trait and it’s found in many animals that have more sophisticated emotional characteristics (mice, rats, dogs, primates, etc). 

The good news is that if you’re experiencing a Sunk Cost dilemma in your relationship(s), you’re probably not a psychopath.  It means you’re probably in that place because you’re trying to make a decision about the future of your relationship using your emotions and not using pure logic and facts.  That’s why when you see a friend in a really bad situation, it’s so easy for you to come to the conclusion that they should leave that situation.  You can come to that decision easily because you observe the facts objectively and without your emotions.  However, if you put yourself in the same spot as your friend and now there’s love, moments of happiness, fond memories, and time invested–all of a sudden it feels a lot harder to leave.  This is just another anecdote for the saying: Love is blind.

When you’re trying to determine if you should step away from a relationship, try to not let the Sunk Cost Fallacy cloud your judgement.  How much time and energy you’ve invested in someone shouldn’t be a primary factor considered in that decision.  Mostly because people change and grow all the time.  Humans are fluid, complex and extremely dynamic.  Maybe they were a good match for the version of you 10 years ago but aren’t a good match for the version of you today.  Maybe you have outgrown your partner or you two just grew in different directions.

Here are some questions/thoughts to try and hack the Sunk Cost Fallacy: 

• If you met this person right now, for the first time and there was no history at all, would you choose to be with them?  If you didn’t know them and saw them on a dating site, would something on their profile be a flag for incompatibility?
  
  
• Think about what advice you’d give to a friend who was in the exact same situation you are facing.  What would you tell them if you were being objective?
  
  
• What are the facts at hand showing you?  What does the data look like?  What story has the patterns of this person’s behavior been trying to tell you?
  
  
• Is the only reason you’re still with them because of the time you’ve invested and nothing else?  
  
  
• Would you feel happy/relieved if this person broke up with you?
  
  
• Do you find yourself feeling way more unhappy with this person than happy?

I’m going to switch it up a little here because I want to remind you of something important: Sometimes our partners do things that are unattractive.  Sometimes they go through things that need patience from us (e.g. mental health issues).  Sometimes they do things that make us unhappy or make decisions that we don’t agree with.  That’s all a normal part of relationships, and no relationship is perfect.  You can actually use the Sunk Cost Fallacy to your advantage in these situations to help you work through those things with your partner.   As long as you’re actually getting through them and observing some sort of progress.

Lastly, because many of us were taught that you must stay with someone for your entire life, Uncle Iroh wants to remind you of something really important:

HUGE Disclaimer: I’m a 30-something childless cis white male with my own bank account and a job where I can support myself.  I have the luxury and privilege to not have to ask myself if I “can” leave someone.  Determining if you “can” is a huge part of this equation that I’m not covering in this blog post.  If you know you need to leave but don’t know how you can, please know there are some resources.  When looking into these resources, keep in mind that abuse isn’t always physical or gender specific: https://www.thehotline.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If you want to learn more about Sunk Cost Fallacy, check out this perfectly nerdy podcast episode:

The post Why Are You Staying In That Relationship? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Click here for text version of list.

The post The Pros and Cons of Polyamory – Version 1 appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Story Time!

It’s 11PM and the lights are off. Taylor is laying in bed next to her partner Jordan. Taylor lays there with nothing but the darkness of night and her own thoughts. Taylor rubs her own shoulders and neck hoping to dissolve away the pain from the day. Taylor didn’t do anything different today than she does any other day to cause the soreness. The self massage is part of the normal nightly routine for her. See, Taylor happens to live in a box where the ceilings stand at 5 1/2 feet tall yet Taylor is 5’ 11”.  A whole 5 inches taller than the ceiling. Her partner Jordan is 5’ 4” and doesn’t understand why she gripes so much about her neck and shoulders. What’s interesting is that about half of the people she knows don’t quite fit in their boxes. Some only have to slouch mildly to get around and others, like Jordan, walk freely around the boxes with hardly any thought of how low the ceilings are. Taylor thinks short ceilings in a box is normal because she grew up being told that everyone’s box is short and that’s just the way it is. Taylor had this nagging feeling that she wasn’t meant to be in this box but, again, everyone around her told her it was normal. Taylor has been there so long that she has resigned herself to this just being how life is. A perpetual existence in a place that she didn’t quite fit. Taylor feels like her very basic needs are being met so she should just be happy and appreciative for having her very own box. Taylor closes her eyes and starts to fall asleep as the dull ache fades.

Taylor opens her eyes to a new day. She stretches as far as her body will allow knowing that being horizontal is the only way she can stretch her whole body at once. She reaches over to put her hand on Jordan to feel his presence but he has already gone to another part of the box. Taylor stumbles out of bed and keeps her head low. She makes her way to the bathroom and sits down on the toilet. She rolls her head around her neck several times taking in the small moment of the day where she is relieved from the slouching caused by the low ceilings of her box. Just as she finishes up her morning routine, she hears her phone buzz from the next room over. Taylor wonders who in the world would be calling her this early. The doors being even shorter than the ceiling plus her morning muscles cause her to stumble through the door and fall on her knees. All she can think is “Why are the doors so small????”  She thinks about such things regularly but never really actually tries to answer her own questions.  That’s just the way life is.

She picks up her phone from her nightstand and sees it’s her little brother Nick. Hardly little, Nick is 6’ 1” and much like Taylor is considered a giant in a society where their boxes were built for others but not for them. Nick still lives at home and hasn’t been able to get his own box to live in yet. He’s anxious to get his own box and has been doing a ton of research. He tells Taylor that while doing research he found that boxes exist with 8’ ceilings. He told her that people actually live in these boxes and it’s the real deal. He can’t contain his excitement and Taylor can feel his smile through the phone. Taylor laughs almost feeling embarrassed for his naivety.  She tells him it’s probably a scam and to not get his hopes up.  She’s never heard of such a thing and feels like there’s no way that actually exists.  Surely she would have heard of it if it did.  She tells him even if it does, it’s not how people live.  She could feel Nick’s smile fade through the phone.  She can tell he feels defeated but she really didn’t want him to get hopes up.   She tells him she has to start her day and ends the call.

Taylor sits down on the bed staring at the wall.  Minutes pass as she just continues to stare blankly at the wall. She thinks to herself “That has to be a scam, right? Nobody actually lives in a box with 8 foot ceilings.” She’s almost in shock.  She picks up her phone and calls her friend Alex. She apologizes for calling so early and tells Alex about her conversation with Nick.  Taylor is looking for Alex to confirm that no such box exists and that it’s just a scam.  Alex is barely 5’ and the thought of 8’ ceilings in a box seems unreal to her. Alex tells Taylor that humans aren’t meant to live in boxes with 8’ ceilings. Alex whispers to Taylor, almost as if she’s afraid someone might hear, “It’s just wrong and unnatural.” Taylor asks Alex what makes her say that. Alex simply says “That’s just the way it is and it’s been that way for a long time.”

It’s several days later and Taylor can’t stop thinking about boxes that have 8’ ceilings. She’s laying in bed rubbing her neck and shoulders. Tall ceilings are consuming her every waking thought and have even been creeping into her dreams. Her life would just make a lot more sense in a box with 8’ ceilings. Is she selfish? Lots of other people are living with short ceilings just fine. If half the people out there don’t fit under the current 5 1/2 foot ceilings then why is everyone living in boxes with 5 1/2 foot ceilings? Is there a logical reason? A biological reason? She has so many questions. Is she just weird and broken for thinking that her life would be better living in a box that she actually fits in? 

She turns to Jordan, ready to talk about what’s been on her mind. She’s terrified of his reaction after talking to Alex and being treated like there was something seriously wrong with her. She takes a deep breath and nervously blurts out the question. She asks Jordan how he would feel about maybe looking into getting a box with 8’ ceilings. Jordan is immediately defensive. “Are you not happy?” he asks. “Is our box not good enough for you?” he chides. He can’t fathom wanting taller ceilings when he’s perfectly happy. Taylor just kind of laughs to play it off as a joke. She told him Nick told her about boxes with taller ceilings but it’s probably just a scam and she’s never even seen such a thing.  Taylor lays her head on the pillow staring at the same wall she lost herself in after talking to Nick.  She’s beating herself up for even considering it. She feels incredibly selfish and embarrassed that she even brought it up. She is convinced that something is wrong with her and she’s actually just broken. 

Taylor spends the rest of her life only being able to imagine what it would be like to live inside a box that she fit in.  She doesn’t fully understand why she can’t.  All she knows is that society says she’s not supposed to live in that box.  She tries to rationalize it by trying to figure out why society says she can’t live in that box.  She never finds her answer. She never understands.  She grows old and dies in the box that doesn’t fit.

I know that wasn’t an ideal ending.  It’s actually kind of sad, right? 

This is how it can go for a lot of people who learn about polyamory and want to explore it (or replace polyamory with anything society deems wrong with no explanation).  I truly believe some people can be genuinely happy in a monogamous relationship.  It’s just the way their brain is wired.  The same way Taylor’s DNA decided her height.  Some people are perfectly content with exploring a single close intimate connection while others crave a deep-romantic-meaningful connection with more than one person. Sadly, society has only given the stamp of approval for the monogamy box.  Anything that deviates from monogamy is considered sinful and should not exist.

I wrote this for anyone who has learned that polyamory was a thing but felt stuck by a partner, friends, career, family or just society in general.  I know when I first learned about polyamory it seemed 100% unobtainable.  Much like Taylor, my mind was completely blown when I learned about this thing I never knew existed.  I learned about polyamory and then I sat on it for several months before bringing it up to my partner at the time.  It was scary and I beat myself up a lot.  To be who I am and be polyamorous I had to fight for it because it was something I wanted.  I lost people, I got hurt and I hurt others.  I had to make a lot of hard decisions but I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to live in a box that doesn’t feel right for you.  It’s hard and scary to leave the only box you’ve known for so long but the feeling of living an authentic life is like no other.

The post The Box That Doesn’t Fit appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

My name is Lucas Weeks, I’m polyamorous and I am in love with more than one person. That’s it, the cat is officially out of the bag.  I started this blog 8 months ago and I kept my name out of everything on it since I started it.  I felt the need to hide who I was.  I felt the need to do this for one reason: because of you.  Maybe not you specifically, but employers in general.   It’s actually pretty common that many of us polyamorous folks feel a strong need to hide who we are because of our employers.  Most of us are already out to our families and friends, but we tread lightly in public for fear of retribution by our employer.  The reason being is that polyamory is not a protected class.  This means we can be fired for… wait for it… Loving more than one person.

You may have googled my name and found my blog.  I’m even going to add tags in hopes that you find this post before anything else when searching my name.  Why do I want so badly for you to find this?  I’m putting all my cards on the table. I want you to know who I really am as a person.  It’s extremely exhausting to hide who I am in a space that I spend a third of my life.  I’m not asking to walk down the halls with a bullhorn announcing to everyone that I’m polyamrous. Anybody that knows me knows I don’t like to draw attention to myself and I generally like to fly under the radar.  However, I also don’t want to be in constant fear that the wrong person will find out and I might lose my job.  Monogamous people get to confide in their colleagues when celebrating things like awesome first dates and marriages.  Why should we have to walk around on eggshells and constantly be afraid that someone might find out that we… wait for it… simply love more than one person?

I hope that when you learn I’m polyamorous that you have, at a minimum, a neutral response about it.  Perhaps you could care less and all that matters is my merits as an employee and my work experience.  If that’s the case, then great!  That’s really all I want.  If you read this and have an extremely negative response, I’ll be honest and say I might not want to work for you anyway.  It’s my hope that I work for someone who can appreciate individuality and someone who isn’t afraid to go against the grain sometimes.  Realistically, you probably already have polyamorous people working for you.  No joke. We are seriously EVERYWHERE! In fact, I’d bet $100 you have someone in your contacts list that is polyamorous and you don’t even know it.  Just saying. 

As someone who is polyamorous and knows so many other people who are too, I want you to know that we’re all pretty great humans.  Most of us have a lot of compassion, patience and understanding.  We can manage a calendar like a stay-at-home parent with 14 children.  We’re also naturally very effective communicators, team players and are all about some healthy conflict resolution.  We practice radical honesty when we are in a space that we feel safe in.  Don’t even get me started about how good we are at thinking outside the box.  It’s kind of our thing.  Seriously, there’s nothing about being polyamorous that makes us bad employees.  I’d argue that being polyamorous only enhances our skill set as an employee and it should be seen as a positive thing! 

One reason you would hold this against us is because you’re scared of having someone “different” around.  To that, I’d say don’t be scared.  Having a diversity of backgrounds on your team can be a great thing.  Alternatively, you might assume we’re all just rabid sex addicts just looking for our next victim.  You are sadly mistaken there. I know a lot of polyamorous people who don’t even enjoy sex and I know even more who won’t even touch someone without asking consent first.  It’s a stereotype and a very wrong one at that.  We are just as kind and human as anyone else is.  The only difference is that we allow ourselves to be open to exploring multiple connections in an ethical way.  It’s really not even that big of a deal when you think about it.

If you read this whole thing and it still freaks you out, go ahead and throw my resume in the trash or fire me.  I just want to be me and I don’t want to live in fear that you’ll figure out who I am and destroy my livelihood because of something as simple as loving more than one person.  If you can see that it’s not even that big of a deal then thank you so much for your open mindedness.  You are the kind of person I hope to work for or continue working for.

Sincerely,

Lucas Weeks

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