I want to share some of my processing on this question. As per usual, I hope it will help get the wheels turning for you on this topic.

It’s easy to forget sometimes but I have to remind myself: Communication is bi-directional.  You’re giving and receiving continuous feedback in both directions at all times.  You produce sounds (or text) that turn into language that enter someone else’s thoughts then someone processes their thoughts on how they receive that language and they produce sounds that turn into language that turn into thoughts that now have to be processed with the layer of the previous exchange of sounds, language and thoughts.  

I hope you get the gist:  When you really start to think about the actual operation of communication in its entirety, there’s A LOT of data points going back and forth when communicating.  

Let’s think about it in terms of sound frequencies (vibrations) that travel through the air.  

Sometimes those communication frequencies between two people are very in-sync and line up in a harmonious way that is pleasant to experience (e.g. my nesting partner and I communicate at a compatible frequency and therefore communication comes easy between us). Sometimes those two frequencies come together and create a noticeable imbalance (or a frequency “beat” if you want to get nerdy). That imbalance can be a very unpleasant thing to experience.

On average, a human can hear a range of about 20,000 different frequencies when measured by Hertz (20Hz to 20,000Hz give or take). Much like the large human audible range, the range of communication compatibilities is ENORMOUS. That’s because there is so many variables.  That means to be a perfect communicator, YOU have to have the skills to be able to dial in precisely to each person’s frequency.  I honestly don’t even know if that’s possible.  Even professionals where it’s a big part of their job to figure out how to get through to other humans (e.g. therapists) can’t dial into everyone’s frequency just right.  That’s why a therapist can be highly regarded by some and seen as awful by others.  This is why it’s important to remember that communication compatibility is important in all aspects of our life.  Not just your romantic relationships.

Here’s the thing about me: I can talk about anything and everything.  I can spill my guts, express difficult concerns, set expectations that I know might be hard to hear.  I can check in regularly about my feelings.  I can be very forward and transparent.  I can share all my wants and needs.

IF

The person I’m communicating with and myself have frequencies that vibe. 

If the person I’m communicating with and myself don’t have frequencies that vibe, then I struggle with communicating some or all those things.  It can cause my brain to shut down and malfunction.  

Folks who operate at a similar frequency as myself might think I’m an excellent communicator.  For example, they might appreciate forwardness above all else.  On the flip side, someone who communicates at a different frequency might find that forwardness isn’t always compassionate.  They also might find my level of communication is exhausting and too much.  All of a sudden my communication skills don’t feel so great.

Because I’m neurodiverse and easily overstimulated, I prefer non/low emotional dialog.  I like to communicate calmly and with an even tone.  I want either party to be able to take a step back from the dialog if they are having strong emotions so they have time to process. That’s not a format of communication where everyone feels comfortable.  Some people may feel like it’s impossible to communicate hard things without leaning into their emotions and that’s 100% valid (any maybe even more normal).  To some people, I might just seem like some kind of robot completely void of emotions.

It’s not because the other people have sub-par communication and my communication is superior or vice versa. I’m just me and they are just them.  They may be great at expressing the core fundamentals of communicating effectively (sharing feelings, setting expectations, expressing wants/needs, etc.) .  It’s not just “what” they’re expressing when evaluating compatibility in communication but it’s also “when” and “how”, too.  Let’s take a quick look at how the “when” and “how” can add so many layers to the “what”:

When:  Have you ever said something at a very wrong time?  I sure have. Maybe it was the right time for me but wrong for the person who was hearing it. Maybe it’s important to have certain communication on a full stomach so you aren’t hangry.  Maybe it’s important that you don’t hear about a new crush right after a long day of exhausting work.  Sometimes people want to talk things out immediately and sometimes people want to sit in their feelings for a bit to process so there may be a different sense of urgency.

How: The method can include your tone, your volume and your expressions.  It can also include different modalities of communication like text, email, face-to-face or over the phone.  Some of you will say “text please” for hard convos and some will say “face-to-face please”.  It doesn’t mean one is better, it just means you simply have different preferences.  Sometimes, to the detriment of my fellow neurodiverse folks, even passive aggressive communication works for some people.  It can feel playful and fun and be effective for those two people.

Again: So. Many. Variables.

I’ve come a long way in my communication from where I started.  The version of me 10 years ago didn’t even have the core elements of communication down.  I was a bottler and I’d just bottle everything up.  It was miserable to myself and miserable to my loved ones as well.  So yeah, I’m a better communicator than I used to be but I want to keep developing those skills even more. All the work I’ve done on communication has given me some very happy and healthy relationships.  Not ONLY because I worked on my communication but also because I’ve found people who communicate at a compatible frequency.

While you strive to be a better communicator, don’t strive for perfection.  It’s just not achievable.  Keep trying to grow and expand your communication skills, because growth in that area of your life will serve you well.  You’ll be able to dial into more frequencies than just your own.  Just don’t be too hard on yourself if your method of communication doesn’t work for every single person you come across.  It just won’t.  Seek out some level of compatibility of frequencies to have a sense of harmony in your relationships.  Just know that no matter how good you think you get at communicating, you’re not the only person in that equation.

If you want a good quick and dirty 101 on sound frequencies check out this short video .

The post The Complexities Of Compatibility In Communication appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I did.  I know many of you did.  But why?????

Well, we might have found ourselves stuck in the:

Sunk Cost Fallacy

Before I dive into the Sunk Cost Fallacy I want you to know this: My blog posts are intentionally short and are designed to get your wheels turning. There is no way I can cover all the “What if” scenarios on this topic. Please don’t make a huge decision about your relationships solely because of this one blog post from a random person on the internet. Let this post be an opportunity for you to learn and consider a new perspective and give you something to think about.

As usual with my blog posts, let’s start with a definition of the Sunk Cost Fallacy:

Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behavior or endeavor as a result of previously invested resources (time, money or effort) (Arkes & Blumer, 1985). This fallacy, which is related to loss aversion and status quo bias, can also be viewed as bias resulting from an ongoing commitment. – behavioraleconomics.com

While this fallacy is applied primarily to financial investments, it’s not exclusive to that.  However, let’s start with the financial lens first:

Have you ever watched a show like Shark Tank or Dragons’ Den where people come to investors to acquire money and help them grow their business?  If so, you’ll see the Sunk Cost Fallacy at play all the time.  Someone who is trying to keep their business going will sell everything they own, take a loan against their house, and borrow from anyone who will loan them money.  All because they think their business idea or product is going to be the next big thing, and they think they are just one more loan or business contact away from making it happen.  Here’s the thing: Many of them are already many years into their endeavor by the time they come onto that show.  Sometimes even over a decade of pursuing their business with a loss year after year.  Despite all the VERY clear data that their business wasn’t working, they continued to stick with it and continued to not succeed.  They just continued to lose more and more money every single year.

So why have these people continued their business despite experiencing a continued loss year after year?  Why do they ignore all the data and evidence that’s right in front of them that their business is failing?  It’s the Sunk Cost Fallacy.  They have invested SO MUCH time, energy and money into their business that they feel like giving up is not even an option.  They feel like they HAVE to make it work because they’ve put so much into it.  So they continue on way longer than they should have in the first place.

Someone from the outside without the emotional connection can easily see that stopping at any point before now would mean they would have experienced less loss altogether.  Usually the “Shark” or “Dragon” will tell the entrepreneur to “Please, stop.  Please stop before you keep digging this hole deeper and deeper.”  

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is not just a human trait, it’s an emotional trait and it’s found in many animals that have more sophisticated emotional characteristics (mice, rats, dogs, primates, etc). 

The good news is that if you’re experiencing a Sunk Cost dilemma in your relationship(s), you’re probably not a psychopath.  It means you’re probably in that place because you’re trying to make a decision about the future of your relationship using your emotions and not using pure logic and facts.  That’s why when you see a friend in a really bad situation, it’s so easy for you to come to the conclusion that they should leave that situation.  You can come to that decision easily because you observe the facts objectively and without your emotions.  However, if you put yourself in the same spot as your friend and now there’s love, moments of happiness, fond memories, and time invested–all of a sudden it feels a lot harder to leave.  This is just another anecdote for the saying: Love is blind.

When you’re trying to determine if you should step away from a relationship, try to not let the Sunk Cost Fallacy cloud your judgement.  How much time and energy you’ve invested in someone shouldn’t be a primary factor considered in that decision.  Mostly because people change and grow all the time.  Humans are fluid, complex and extremely dynamic.  Maybe they were a good match for the version of you 10 years ago but aren’t a good match for the version of you today.  Maybe you have outgrown your partner or you two just grew in different directions.

Here are some questions/thoughts to try and hack the Sunk Cost Fallacy: 

• If you met this person right now, for the first time and there was no history at all, would you choose to be with them?  If you didn’t know them and saw them on a dating site, would something on their profile be a flag for incompatibility?
  
  
• Think about what advice you’d give to a friend who was in the exact same situation you are facing.  What would you tell them if you were being objective?
  
  
• What are the facts at hand showing you?  What does the data look like?  What story has the patterns of this person’s behavior been trying to tell you?
  
  
• Is the only reason you’re still with them because of the time you’ve invested and nothing else?  
  
  
• Would you feel happy/relieved if this person broke up with you?
  
  
• Do you find yourself feeling way more unhappy with this person than happy?

I’m going to switch it up a little here because I want to remind you of something important: Sometimes our partners do things that are unattractive.  Sometimes they go through things that need patience from us (e.g. mental health issues).  Sometimes they do things that make us unhappy or make decisions that we don’t agree with.  That’s all a normal part of relationships, and no relationship is perfect.  You can actually use the Sunk Cost Fallacy to your advantage in these situations to help you work through those things with your partner.   As long as you’re actually getting through them and observing some sort of progress.

Lastly, because many of us were taught that you must stay with someone for your entire life, Uncle Iroh wants to remind you of something really important:

HUGE Disclaimer: I’m a 30-something childless cis white male with my own bank account and a job where I can support myself.  I have the luxury and privilege to not have to ask myself if I “can” leave someone.  Determining if you “can” is a huge part of this equation that I’m not covering in this blog post.  If you know you need to leave but don’t know how you can, please know there are some resources.  When looking into these resources, keep in mind that abuse isn’t always physical or gender specific: https://www.thehotline.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If you want to learn more about Sunk Cost Fallacy, check out this perfectly nerdy podcast episode:

The post Why Are You Staying In That Relationship? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Wait. What do you mean by partners? Work partners, business partners, class project partners, dance partners, life partners, etc.  There’s  many kinds of partners!

 Partner only has 2 definitions in the dictionary:

noun

1. either of a pair of people engaged together in the same activity.
   “arrange the children in pairs so that each person has a partner”
2. either member of a married couple or of an established unmarried couple.
   “she lived with her partner”

Definition 1 leaves A LOT of gray areas for us to fill in the blanks.  Definition 2 was built for monogamy. What is it that even makes someone established and/or coupled?  Time? Shared assets? Having sex? Future plans?

I was doing some mental processing of my relationships as I tried to explain to someone who asked me how many partners I had.  I was thinking about how my definition of relationships and partners has evolved over time.  Frankly, I sometimes have trouble defining what makes a partner a partner even in my own little orbit of special connections.  It’s a label with many meanings that fluctuate from person to person.  So, if it’s such an indefinable term, why do we use the word “partner” like everyone has the same definition?

I remember meeting other polyam folks early in my polyam journey and asking how many partners they had before I even knew how they defined “partner”.  I knew what my definition of partner was because it was clear to me how I defined a partner.  Sometimes people were flustered by the question “How many partners do you have?” or just responded with  “I don’t really know.”  I was like “OMG HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW!!” Or, if it was more than what I considered a reasonable amount I was like:   

At that point in my journey I poured SO MUCH of myself into a single connection, I couldn’t fathom having more than 2 or 3 “partners”.  So I’d project that onto the person I asked and… I’m very ashamed to admit this…  I’d subconsciously define their connections as not very intimate or lesser than what I thought a partner should be.  . 

I was ignorant and I’m owning up to that.  As I have become more comfortable with my own weird* version of RA (Relationship Anarchy), where I try not to define my connections too much, I realized I don’t even really know how to define “Partner” anymore.  I’m that person that I unfairly judged early on in my journey.

_{*My Weird Version of RA: Trying to live outside the societal constructs of relationships with a logical/analytical brain that still tries to label and categorize everything.} 

I now have a different framework for how I view partners and I wanted to share it for people who might be newer to polyam or not familiar with Relationship Anarchy (RA) so they don’t make the same mistakes I did.  Let me be very clear: This is NOT a unique framework and it’s one that’s already shared by so many.   I know some of you are probably reading this and are like

As usual with my blog posts, I just hope to give one person a different perspective.  Just one person.

Keep this in mind: When you ask someone how many “partners” they have, their definition of partners might be VERY different from yours.  You might not even be in the same ballpark with your definitions.

Let’s say someone has 10 special people in their life who may or may not fall into their category of “partners”.  If a person includes comets, planets, flirtationships, close connections, nesting partners, FWB, etc then 10 isn’t that extreme of a number.   All these connections likely have extremely varying levels of intimacy all over the spectrum, but all still be very important to that person. That person may talk to some of these “partners” daily and others every couple of weeks (or sometimes even less).  They might only be having a physical relationship with a few of them (or none of them), but all of them are people in their life that they have some sort of romantic connection with, adore and love.

Let me paint this picture for you:  I have a best friend of 10+ years.  We connect almost everyday and he’s one of the small handful of people I talk to with that frequency.  I brag about his talents to anyone who will listen like we’re married.   We love one another and tell each other that often.  Our connection isn’t romantic and we don’t have sex but he holds a place in my heart alongside other people I have romantic connections with.  If I had 10 connections, like the one I do with my best friend, would you have the same response to me saying I had 10 “partners”? 

In summary, you probably wouldn’t be taken aback if someone has 10 super close friends.  Don’t be taken aback if someone says they have 10 partners.  

What are you really asking someone when you ask how many partners they have? 

Are you asking them how many people they are having sex with?  

Are you asking to see if you might be able to fit in there somewhere?  

Are you asking them how many people they love?

So ask yourself, what are you REALLY asking when you ask someone how many partners they have?

The post Ok, But What Even Is A Partner? appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Since humans have thrived for thousands of years because of our social traits, our brain rewards us with drugs (dopamine, serotonin and endorphins) when we make connections with other humans.  Especially when we share some core values, like how Billy the Blue Ranger was a super amazing underdog in both the show and IRL.

Now you’re an adult and life is way more complex.  You’re more complex.  Your circumstances are more complex.  Your brain doesn’t care, though.  It continues to give us those drugs when we make a connection and we find a base level of compatibility.  I do that when I make a new friend who likes board games. I’m like “Hell YA! Game NIGHTS! Whoop!”  For all I know, that person could be a real-life Dexter. When you go beyond friends, add the extra layers of  physical attractions, pheromones, and/or that intense intellectual chemistry then your brain is like…

Here’s the first problem:  Your brain doesn’t always identify compatibility before it starts releasing those drugs.  You connect with someone and all the sudden you’re standing in a dense forest of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and you can only see a few feet in front of you at any given moment.  You’re just holding on to the thought of your very next interaction with that person and walking aimlessly with no real direction or thoughts about long-term compatibility.

The second problem: Compatibility has an exorbitant amount of facets that can take time to unravel and reveal themselves.  It can include your:

• Mental health
• Love/Apology languages
• Relationship structures
• Communication styles/patterns
• Geographical location
• Availability/Scheduling
• Core values
• Expectations
• Familial structures
• Life plans/goals
• etc.

Conversely, we may be able to identify some possible incompatibilities right away, but our brain is so quick to give us that NRE that we might underestimate them. Where I’ve personally messed up (more than once) is starting relationships with enthusiasm, optimism and copious amounts of NRE, only to pull away due to some compatibility roadblock that was present since day one.  The problem is, my NRE brain said “I can make it work! I got this!  You just sit back and enjoy all these drugs I’m giving you.”

While a lot of compatibility can be negotiated and worked through with some solid communication, some things may be deal breakers for you.  If you know what those deal breakers are but don’t communicate them on the front end, it can be devastating to the other person.  There can be countless examples but I’ll share one in particular I have struggled with in the past:  Long distance.  I have a pattern of starting out long distance connections optimistic that I can make them work.  I’m ready to buy plane tickets and get the first meeting out of the way!  I might make it through a couple of visits but eventually the NRE settles down and reality starts to set in.  I’m a homebody and an introvert so planning long weekends with one person regularly is stressful.  Not to mention my primary love language is physical touch and nobody has invented a teleporter for impromptu cuddles (yet). 

When I’m no longer running on a full dose of the NRE drugs, I start to pull back and feel disconnected. I can end up hurting the other person in the process when pulling back.  My NRE brain has tricked me into thinking I could make it work, when in reality, I couldn’t sustain it long-term.  Or at least not at the same level I started out with.

Going through the motions of getting to know someone and making decisions about your compatibility is a natural part of developing relationships of all styles. Sometimes certain compatibility concerns can be revealed over time during your interactions with that person and that’s ok!  When those incompatibilities come up, you should stop, have a conversation about your observations and decide if that’s a reason to shift expectations.  You don’t have to have everything sorted out on the front end (although I sometimes wish we could just download eachothers’ brains into our own brain).

I don’t want to be too hard on the NRE brain as it has a purpose and is useful.  After all, it’s contributed greatly to the survival of our species for all these years.  It’s designed to help you overcome obstacles when connecting with people (think of our friends The Proclaimers).  NRE should be understood enough to be a part of the whole equation when making complex decisions about compatibility in a relationship.

I’m currently doing work on this and trying to find a balance between allowing myself to feel the excitement of NRE without letting it cloud my perception of compatibility.  The more I can understand it, the better I can manage it and the better I can set expectations for those around me.  My main objective isn’t to try and go down a long list of compatibility measures to find a reason not to date someone (let’s be real, us overthinkers can ALWAYS find something).  My objective is to learn to be honest with myself, in spite of the NRE, so I can be honest to people I’m connecting with. 

I hope by sharing my thoughts on it, you’ll be able to understand how NRE can distort your perception of compatibility and help you from making some of the mistakes that I have.  

The post Finding Compatibility In The Dense Forest of NRE appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Click here for text version of list.

The post The Pros and Cons of Polyamory – Version 1 appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Story Time!

It’s 11PM and the lights are off. Taylor is laying in bed next to her partner Jordan. Taylor lays there with nothing but the darkness of night and her own thoughts. Taylor rubs her own shoulders and neck hoping to dissolve away the pain from the day. Taylor didn’t do anything different today than she does any other day to cause the soreness. The self massage is part of the normal nightly routine for her. See, Taylor happens to live in a box where the ceilings stand at 5 1/2 feet tall yet Taylor is 5’ 11”.  A whole 5 inches taller than the ceiling. Her partner Jordan is 5’ 4” and doesn’t understand why she gripes so much about her neck and shoulders. What’s interesting is that about half of the people she knows don’t quite fit in their boxes. Some only have to slouch mildly to get around and others, like Jordan, walk freely around the boxes with hardly any thought of how low the ceilings are. Taylor thinks short ceilings in a box is normal because she grew up being told that everyone’s box is short and that’s just the way it is. Taylor had this nagging feeling that she wasn’t meant to be in this box but, again, everyone around her told her it was normal. Taylor has been there so long that she has resigned herself to this just being how life is. A perpetual existence in a place that she didn’t quite fit. Taylor feels like her very basic needs are being met so she should just be happy and appreciative for having her very own box. Taylor closes her eyes and starts to fall asleep as the dull ache fades.

Taylor opens her eyes to a new day. She stretches as far as her body will allow knowing that being horizontal is the only way she can stretch her whole body at once. She reaches over to put her hand on Jordan to feel his presence but he has already gone to another part of the box. Taylor stumbles out of bed and keeps her head low. She makes her way to the bathroom and sits down on the toilet. She rolls her head around her neck several times taking in the small moment of the day where she is relieved from the slouching caused by the low ceilings of her box. Just as she finishes up her morning routine, she hears her phone buzz from the next room over. Taylor wonders who in the world would be calling her this early. The doors being even shorter than the ceiling plus her morning muscles cause her to stumble through the door and fall on her knees. All she can think is “Why are the doors so small????”  She thinks about such things regularly but never really actually tries to answer her own questions.  That’s just the way life is.

She picks up her phone from her nightstand and sees it’s her little brother Nick. Hardly little, Nick is 6’ 1” and much like Taylor is considered a giant in a society where their boxes were built for others but not for them. Nick still lives at home and hasn’t been able to get his own box to live in yet. He’s anxious to get his own box and has been doing a ton of research. He tells Taylor that while doing research he found that boxes exist with 8’ ceilings. He told her that people actually live in these boxes and it’s the real deal. He can’t contain his excitement and Taylor can feel his smile through the phone. Taylor laughs almost feeling embarrassed for his naivety.  She tells him it’s probably a scam and to not get his hopes up.  She’s never heard of such a thing and feels like there’s no way that actually exists.  Surely she would have heard of it if it did.  She tells him even if it does, it’s not how people live.  She could feel Nick’s smile fade through the phone.  She can tell he feels defeated but she really didn’t want him to get hopes up.   She tells him she has to start her day and ends the call.

Taylor sits down on the bed staring at the wall.  Minutes pass as she just continues to stare blankly at the wall. She thinks to herself “That has to be a scam, right? Nobody actually lives in a box with 8 foot ceilings.” She’s almost in shock.  She picks up her phone and calls her friend Alex. She apologizes for calling so early and tells Alex about her conversation with Nick.  Taylor is looking for Alex to confirm that no such box exists and that it’s just a scam.  Alex is barely 5’ and the thought of 8’ ceilings in a box seems unreal to her. Alex tells Taylor that humans aren’t meant to live in boxes with 8’ ceilings. Alex whispers to Taylor, almost as if she’s afraid someone might hear, “It’s just wrong and unnatural.” Taylor asks Alex what makes her say that. Alex simply says “That’s just the way it is and it’s been that way for a long time.”

It’s several days later and Taylor can’t stop thinking about boxes that have 8’ ceilings. She’s laying in bed rubbing her neck and shoulders. Tall ceilings are consuming her every waking thought and have even been creeping into her dreams. Her life would just make a lot more sense in a box with 8’ ceilings. Is she selfish? Lots of other people are living with short ceilings just fine. If half the people out there don’t fit under the current 5 1/2 foot ceilings then why is everyone living in boxes with 5 1/2 foot ceilings? Is there a logical reason? A biological reason? She has so many questions. Is she just weird and broken for thinking that her life would be better living in a box that she actually fits in? 

She turns to Jordan, ready to talk about what’s been on her mind. She’s terrified of his reaction after talking to Alex and being treated like there was something seriously wrong with her. She takes a deep breath and nervously blurts out the question. She asks Jordan how he would feel about maybe looking into getting a box with 8’ ceilings. Jordan is immediately defensive. “Are you not happy?” he asks. “Is our box not good enough for you?” he chides. He can’t fathom wanting taller ceilings when he’s perfectly happy. Taylor just kind of laughs to play it off as a joke. She told him Nick told her about boxes with taller ceilings but it’s probably just a scam and she’s never even seen such a thing.  Taylor lays her head on the pillow staring at the same wall she lost herself in after talking to Nick.  She’s beating herself up for even considering it. She feels incredibly selfish and embarrassed that she even brought it up. She is convinced that something is wrong with her and she’s actually just broken. 

Taylor spends the rest of her life only being able to imagine what it would be like to live inside a box that she fit in.  She doesn’t fully understand why she can’t.  All she knows is that society says she’s not supposed to live in that box.  She tries to rationalize it by trying to figure out why society says she can’t live in that box.  She never finds her answer. She never understands.  She grows old and dies in the box that doesn’t fit.

I know that wasn’t an ideal ending.  It’s actually kind of sad, right? 

This is how it can go for a lot of people who learn about polyamory and want to explore it (or replace polyamory with anything society deems wrong with no explanation).  I truly believe some people can be genuinely happy in a monogamous relationship.  It’s just the way their brain is wired.  The same way Taylor’s DNA decided her height.  Some people are perfectly content with exploring a single close intimate connection while others crave a deep-romantic-meaningful connection with more than one person. Sadly, society has only given the stamp of approval for the monogamy box.  Anything that deviates from monogamy is considered sinful and should not exist.

I wrote this for anyone who has learned that polyamory was a thing but felt stuck by a partner, friends, career, family or just society in general.  I know when I first learned about polyamory it seemed 100% unobtainable.  Much like Taylor, my mind was completely blown when I learned about this thing I never knew existed.  I learned about polyamory and then I sat on it for several months before bringing it up to my partner at the time.  It was scary and I beat myself up a lot.  To be who I am and be polyamorous I had to fight for it because it was something I wanted.  I lost people, I got hurt and I hurt others.  I had to make a lot of hard decisions but I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to live in a box that doesn’t feel right for you.  It’s hard and scary to leave the only box you’ve known for so long but the feeling of living an authentic life is like no other.

The post The Box That Doesn’t Fit appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Since I’ve already put my hand on the hot burner more than once I’ve been able to gain some wisdom over the years. When I connect with someone who’s still early on in their polyamory journey, I struggle with trying to decide if I should slap their hand away from the burner so they don’t get hurt or just let them burn themselves so they can learn the same things I’ve had to learn. If I’m being completely honest, I still don’t know where that balance is. You can tell a couple first opening up their relationship to polyamory that triads are hard and people get hurt. You can strongly encourage them to date separately and send them all the resources to unicorn hunting that you can muster up and it doesn’t matter. A triad feels like the safest route for them so they almost never listen. If they already got it in their head that’s what they want, they go for it anyways. I didn’t listen, so why should I expect someone else to? Yup, my first foray into polyamory was a triad. I wasn’t necessarily looking for one but it happened. Guess what? It wasn’t very healthy and people got hurt just like everyone was telling me that’s what would happen. There were some good times, but all the bad things people were telling me would happen, did happen. 

I’m going to drop a list of many of the mistakes (for free) I made on my journey through polyamory. I want to make this list for a few reasons. 1) To remind you that nobody is perfect so don’t be too hard on yourself, 2) As a personal growth exercise to see and acknowledge my mistakes and 3) To maybe plant a seed that might help you avoid some of the pitfalls on your journey.

Ok… Here it goes….

1. Years 1 and 2 – I was in a monogamous relationship that opened up to polyamory. I’ll refer to this as my “primary” relationship although I’m not a fan of that word in general. It’s for clarity in this context. Here are some of the big mistakes in regards to that time period of my journey:
   1. I told my primary partner that I thought it would be weird if they dated someone like me and that just dating someone like me didn’t make sense. I even bordered on an OPP (One Penis Policy) vibe and while it was short lived my brain still went down that path and that was not ok.
   2. I gave my primary all the control because I wanted them to feel safe and secure. Even they admitted further down the journey that this was a bad idea. This meant my connections were anything but organic and were being controlled by an outside source.
   3. We started out with a triad. A very unhealthy one that was fraught with couples privilege. We were toxic af and the epitome of all that is wrong with new polyamorous couples jumping straight into a triad.
   4. I agreed to things that I didn’t really actually agree with. I really blew it here because I was either full of resentment or broke those agreements. Neither of which was healthy or good. 
   5. I should have left that “primary” relationship sooner. Polyamory brought all kinds of bad things to the surface that were swept under the rug since the beginning of our relationship. Despite them trying to be understanding and even be a willing participant in the concepts of non-monogamy, there were many times where I felt like I was just dragging them behind a truck. I should have drawn a line in the sand a lot sooner.
   6. Even when not in a triad, I still let my primary relationship greatly influence my other relationships. I hurt people and toyed with them because I was painfully unaware of how much couples privilege was actually taking place. It makes me sick thinking about what I did to genuinely amazing people in the first few years of my journey.
2. Years 3 to 6 – Here are some mistakes I made outside the scope of opening up a monogamous relationship.
   1. I was in the kitchen table polyamory or bust camp. Over time, I realized it wasn’t reasonable to make it a requirement. It’s not fair to put pressure on people to interact if they don’t want to. Kitchen table polyamory is still a preference but I’ve definitely pulled back on making that any kind of requirement.
   2. I would let NRE catapult me into a space that I wasn’t comfortable with, and then I would have to pull back. This understandably hurts people because it’s scary when you sense a partner pulling back. NRE is dangerous if not managed well.
   3. I let NRE blind me from observing problematic behaviors. This hurt me more than others but I have definitely missed some huge red flags because of pure lustful infatuation with someone. Again, NRE is dangerous if not managed well. 
   4. I have since learned that I’m probably more in the graysexual area, but I would participate in sexual activities before I was ready for 2 reasons: 1) Definitely some toxic masculinity and 2) The polyamorous space is a very sexual one and I’d put pressure on myself to keep up with my peers. This has caused me to get out of sync with partners and nothing good ever happens when you’re out of sync. 
   5. I would bite off more than I could chew. I’d get a wild hair and say “I’m going to take down my walls!” and then end up saturated in connections and finding myself overwhelmed and trying to figure out how to backtrack. While I’ve definitely gotten a lot better with this it’s still something I keep a close eye on.
   6. I would enter relationships with wildcards and not disclose them. Let me explain – I would say to myself in my head: “This is a new situation and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it but I’ll give it a shot.” and then when the wildcard became a dealbreaker I would take a step back from that connection. More recently, I’ve become very transparent with people if there is a wildcard that I’m not sure about. Unfortunately, I haven’t always been so up front and I’ve hurt people. 

If it’s not obvious by the sheer amount of mistakes I’ve made over the years, I wasn’t lying in saying that I’m human. We all make mistakes no matter how much we try to mitigate them. Nobody gets into a relationship saying “I’m going to try to hurt this person!” Well, at least I hope not.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to still have a connection with most of the people I’ve dated in spite of all my mistakes along the way. This means I was able to get feedback on how my behaviors have affected people and I’m so grateful for that. It would be very irresponsible for me to not at least try to learn and grow from that feedback that has been gifted to me. I’m still going to continue to make new mistakes. Because I’m human. Just like all of us.  

I hope that by my sharing my mistakes from over the years it has helped you in some way. While I will be the first to remind you to not be too hard on yourself, I’ll also be the person to tell you to not give yourself a free pass either. If anything I shared made you question your own behaviors, take a look at them and see if you have some opportunities to be better. At the end of the day, I think that’s what is most important. 

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My name is Lucas Weeks, I’m polyamorous and I am in love with more than one person. That’s it, the cat is officially out of the bag.  I started this blog 8 months ago and I kept my name out of everything on it since I started it.  I felt the need to hide who I was.  I felt the need to do this for one reason: because of you.  Maybe not you specifically, but employers in general.   It’s actually pretty common that many of us polyamorous folks feel a strong need to hide who we are because of our employers.  Most of us are already out to our families and friends, but we tread lightly in public for fear of retribution by our employer.  The reason being is that polyamory is not a protected class.  This means we can be fired for… wait for it… Loving more than one person.

You may have googled my name and found my blog.  I’m even going to add tags in hopes that you find this post before anything else when searching my name.  Why do I want so badly for you to find this?  I’m putting all my cards on the table. I want you to know who I really am as a person.  It’s extremely exhausting to hide who I am in a space that I spend a third of my life.  I’m not asking to walk down the halls with a bullhorn announcing to everyone that I’m polyamrous. Anybody that knows me knows I don’t like to draw attention to myself and I generally like to fly under the radar.  However, I also don’t want to be in constant fear that the wrong person will find out and I might lose my job.  Monogamous people get to confide in their colleagues when celebrating things like awesome first dates and marriages.  Why should we have to walk around on eggshells and constantly be afraid that someone might find out that we… wait for it… simply love more than one person?

I hope that when you learn I’m polyamorous that you have, at a minimum, a neutral response about it.  Perhaps you could care less and all that matters is my merits as an employee and my work experience.  If that’s the case, then great!  That’s really all I want.  If you read this and have an extremely negative response, I’ll be honest and say I might not want to work for you anyway.  It’s my hope that I work for someone who can appreciate individuality and someone who isn’t afraid to go against the grain sometimes.  Realistically, you probably already have polyamorous people working for you.  No joke. We are seriously EVERYWHERE! In fact, I’d bet $100 you have someone in your contacts list that is polyamorous and you don’t even know it.  Just saying. 

As someone who is polyamorous and knows so many other people who are too, I want you to know that we’re all pretty great humans.  Most of us have a lot of compassion, patience and understanding.  We can manage a calendar like a stay-at-home parent with 14 children.  We’re also naturally very effective communicators, team players and are all about some healthy conflict resolution.  We practice radical honesty when we are in a space that we feel safe in.  Don’t even get me started about how good we are at thinking outside the box.  It’s kind of our thing.  Seriously, there’s nothing about being polyamorous that makes us bad employees.  I’d argue that being polyamorous only enhances our skill set as an employee and it should be seen as a positive thing! 

One reason you would hold this against us is because you’re scared of having someone “different” around.  To that, I’d say don’t be scared.  Having a diversity of backgrounds on your team can be a great thing.  Alternatively, you might assume we’re all just rabid sex addicts just looking for our next victim.  You are sadly mistaken there. I know a lot of polyamorous people who don’t even enjoy sex and I know even more who won’t even touch someone without asking consent first.  It’s a stereotype and a very wrong one at that.  We are just as kind and human as anyone else is.  The only difference is that we allow ourselves to be open to exploring multiple connections in an ethical way.  It’s really not even that big of a deal when you think about it.

If you read this whole thing and it still freaks you out, go ahead and throw my resume in the trash or fire me.  I just want to be me and I don’t want to live in fear that you’ll figure out who I am and destroy my livelihood because of something as simple as loving more than one person.  If you can see that it’s not even that big of a deal then thank you so much for your open mindedness.  You are the kind of person I hope to work for or continue working for.

Sincerely,

Lucas Weeks

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A quick and dirty intro into neurodiversity: 

Neurodiversity is an attempt at acknowledging that we don’t all process the world the same way. You have neurotypical people who make up a majority of folks and neurodivergent folks who are the minority. What makes someone neurodivergent? Lots of things! Autism, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, anxiety and anything that does not fit into the box of “normal” thought patterns. Normal is a very vague word, but it’s what we build our society around. Our classrooms, work lives and our social expectations are all built around the neurotypical person. Neurotypical people tend to be naturally good with social cues, can easily read a room and tend to not get overstimulated easily. They usually learn well in a traditional academic environment, and their development follows a pretty predictable timeline (walking, talking, learning, etc.). On the flip side, neurodivergent people can have trouble learning in a traditional classroom environment and might not follow predictable developmental timelines. Social cues aren’t inherent and need to be learned. Neurodivergent people process information and learn in different ways than neurotypical people. This doesn’t have anything to do with their intelligence and has everything to do with how they process the world through their own unique lens. 

As a neurodivergent and polyamorous person who has navigated both healthy and unhealthy relationships I thought I would share some things I’ve learned over the years. Neurodiversity is broad and I’ve written these tips to try and be inclusive of all neurodivergent folks but my journey and experiences are my own, so these might not all be applicable to you. I still hope they can help you explore some thought tracks when navigating your existing and potential connections.

1. Don’t agree to do things that you don’t like to do. You may get excited when a crush invites you to do literally ANYTHING and you say “YES!” even if it’s not something you’d enjoy. Just say “No.” Explain why and tell them some things you would rather do instead. This is a good opportunity to practice setting some boundaries for both yourself and your crush. If this is someone that you will be compatible with and who will be understanding of who you are as a person then they will appreciate this so much. A lot of us neurodivergent people have a hard time with many normal activities that seem pretty routine. When you say “Yes!” and go to that activity and are miserable, bored and/or overstimulated, the person who invited you is going to know. Stick to doing things that you’re comfortable with and you know you can be at your best while doing. After all, the beauty of polyamory is you don’t need to be that person’s “everything” so let them take someone else to that concert that you weren’t going to enjoy anyways.
   
   
2. Let people know up front how you’re different. Take notes on how you’re different from neurotypical people. Share those things with people you meet as they come up. I’ve found that being up front about my differences early on makes navigating connections much easier. As an example: Say I am sitting across the table from someone and they are telling me a story. I will say “Hey, just FYI, eye contact is really hard for me and my staring off to the side isn’t a sign of disinterest. I’m really interested in what you’re saying.” Now they don’t have to wonder if I’m just trying to find the nearest exit.
   
   
3. Explain masking to new people.  Masking is when a neurodivergent person forces themselves into “normal” behaviors to try their best to fit in with the rest of the world.  If you’re comfortable with taking off your mask for new people then I recommend you try to do that.  This way, they can get to know you in all your neurodivergent glory.  Not everyone is comfortable with or even CAN take off their mask intentionally.  If that’s the case for you, then have a conversation with your potential new connection about what masking is and how you wear yours.  This will take some self reflection and vulnerability but it will help set up some expectations. 
   
   
4. Neurodivergence can make you special. Figure out in what ways being the way you are makes you a great partner. As a neurodivergent person you can probably offer a lot of things that other people can’t. You can highlight these with potential love interests as they might not be things they think about. For example, someone who has ADHD can offer way more spontaneity and amazing adventures to someone’s day and someone who is OCD can offer routine and consistency. For me, being on the autism spectrum and the way it affects me means I can have all levels of conversations with a pretty even tone. A lot of people have appreciated this about me.
   
   
5. Learn the things that don’t come naturally to you. Just because it doesn’t come as naturally to you as neurotypical people doesn’t mean you can’t learn. A lot of people that are neurodivergent have a harder time with things that come very naturally to neurotypical folks. Some examples might be time management, recognizing facial expressions and knowing what to say in certain social situations. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those things and learn them. For example, when I learned that I was on the autism spectrum as an adult I took a test where I was supposed to identify facial expressions and I failed miserably. Well, I found some facial expression flashcards and started studying them and now I’m a lot better at recognizing them. This helps me understand my partners better. I also realized very quickly that I just thought most facial expressions meant someone had to poop.
   
   
6. Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly. I admit, this is kind of a broad statement and “treating someone poorly” is very subjective. You are who you are and you can’t be someone you’re not. With that said, if the same behaviors you exhibit consistently hurt people then I suggest you at least try to work on changing those. An example is stonewalling (completely shutting down and refusing to communicate or giving minimal and vague feedback to the people around you). This is a pretty common behavior with people on the autism spectrum and I did that pretty consistently in the past. It happens so fast and I didn’t even know I was doing it. If I’m being completely honest, it even still sneaks up on me now (old habits die hard). Over the years I have learned to recognize when I start falling into that and I can at least say “I’m shutting down and this isn’t going to be the best time for me to talk about this,” or I can keep myself from going into that place by being conscious of it. I still don’t catch it every single time but I do it way less and it doesn’t impact my relationships the way it used to.
   
    
7. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is the most important advice I can give you. Don’t underestimate someone’s ability to love you just the way you are. I know a lot of us think “I am a really hard person to love” because we see ourselves as so different from what’s considered the norm. Please trust me as someone who is not neurotypical and who has people in my life who love me. They don’t love me in spite of my neurodivergence, but because that’s just who I am. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea but you’ll be someone’s hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter evening. 

Neurodivergent people are the outliers and have to do their best to fit into a society that wasn’t built for them. They have been shoved in a box that doesn’t fit them their whole life and perhaps that contributes to them being more comfortable with exploring polyamory and living outside the societal norms. Understanding why there are so many neurodivergent folks in the polyamory community can be a whole other ball of wax (though still fascinating so let me know if you have any research/resources on this). While there is a slight shift in the culture surrounding neurodiversity and people are becoming more aware that we can’t live in a one-size-fits-all society there is still a long way to go. In the meantime, we are all just trying to do our best navigating this wild world. Just do your best, be kind and go be someone’s hot chocolate. 

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