When something, like monogamy, is written into our brain at a young age and for so long, our brains don’t like to let go of that.  Your brain is saying “No!  This is what’s been there and you’re still alive so I’m keeping it!!!!”  Not only were most of us polyamory folks programmed with  monogamy at a young age but a lot of us spent at least some part of our adult lives reinforcing monogamous constructs in our own relationships.

Our brains are quite complex but if we really break down what’s happening in there then it’s really just computation.  Much like a computer, we process data and decide what to do with that data. For example: Imagine someone throws a ball in your direction.  You process the trajectory of that ball and when you calculate the trajectory of that ball and it happens to line up with your face, you throw your arms up to try and stop the ball from hitting you.  Well, you try anyway (sorry if you got the poor reflex genes).  Sometimes our brains are dumb, though.  Have you ever been watching a video where a ball comes straight for the camera and you throw up your hands anyways?  Logically, you know it’s not going to come out of the screen and hit you.  It doesn’t matter and your brain still says “OMG PROTECT YOUR FACE!!!”

That’s because that response is hard coded into your brain (Probably from when you were young and trying to learn to play catch and kept getting hit in the face.)  Your brain is processing:

Projectile + Face = Protect

Now what happens when you watch that video a couple of times and you know what’s coming?  Your reaction changes because you know what to expect.  You start programming new data in your brain:

Projectile + Face = Protect Except When I’m watching this particular video

Let’s take this one step further.  Fast forward a few months later and a friend sends you that same video of the ball coming towards the camera.  You recognize it immediately and you know what’s going to happen but you still jump. Your brain has reverted back to its default original code of:

Projectile + Face = Protect

Eventually, if you watch that same video regularly and with some consistency then over time you will change how you react to it.  Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it.  That’s because you will have rewritten your default code (Projectile + Face = Protect) to include the variables of that video (Except When I’m watching this particular video) .  Granted, this is a severe oversimplification of how our brains actually work. 

For the sake of keeping it simple (and nerdy), let’s pretend like our brains handle data like a computer.

Our base code of things like hunger, breathing, reproduction, emotion and similar primal traits are pre-built for us when we’re developing inside of our mothers.  This is basically our BIOS (a joke for the nerds, not important).  The rest of our hard coding is done in the earlier part of our life.  Most of it is authored by the adults in our life, our teachers, our peers, our observations and even inanimate objects.  Since most of us in the polyamory community grew up being fed data about monogamy from a very early age, that is what has been hard coded into our brains.  We’ve literally been taught to process relationships in the context of monogamy.   This is probably why it’s so hard for couples who have been mostly monogamous to all of a sudden open up their relationship.  They are trying to process polyamory variables with monogamous code. Let’s look at a few things that are probably hard coded in us about the context of monogamy at a very early age. 

• Your partner starts to get feelings for someone else = They are a piece of trash human and can’t possibly be in love with you! 
• Your partner won’t give you their passwords = They are obviously hiding something and can’t be trusted!
• You feel jealous = This is your partner’s fault and they are responsible for this!

Obviously these are the toxic parts of monogamy and not all parts of monogamy are bad. However, these things are reinforced as totally acceptable reactions.  Eventually, after time and through the tedious process of deprogramming monogamy and reprogramming for polyamory you might actually end up here: 

• Your partner starts to get feelings for someone else = YAY!!!! 
• Your partner won’t give you their passwords = That is a very reasonable thing.
• You feel Jealous = Let me figure out why I feel this way so I can work on this. 

We are only scratching the surface here.  This is just a few of many ways we process the constructs of monogamy.  

Something I’ve been working through recently is my habit of thinking about my relationships in terms of a relationship escalator (dating, cohabitating, marriage, etc.).  While this works for the monogamous structure and isn’t necessarily bad, it makes navigating multiple relationships simultaneously extremely difficult. My conscious brain knows that I don’t want to be on any kind of relationship escalator but my subconscious was still processing the original monogamous code.  I’d still process my feelings through a filter with questions like these: 

Could I live with this person?  
Are all of our life choices compatible?  
What if they want kids?
Do I see myself with this person in 10 years?

Why would it matter if I could live with this person if I don’t have the intention to live with the people I date?  Well, it’s because it’s still hard coded into my brain that every relationship has to have a particular outcome and be part of a escalator.  After all, we grow up thinking that opening our heart to someone means marriage, the house, kids and dying together.   This type of thinking was preventing me from letting connections grow organically and just be how they are.  I’d be quick to close the door on something if the person didn’t align with what I’d be looking for in a monogamous structure.  All of this processing is happening in the background, and I didn’t put those pieces together until recently when I really started to analyze my patterns.  Now that I’ve recognized the patterns and can work on it, I’m navigating connections with people who I would have otherwise closed off.

Again, deprogramming your brain is HARD.  Unlearning things is HARD.  Especially something that is hard coded from an early age.  Here’s some tips I have on working through the process of deprogramming monogamy from your brain:

• Watch how you react to things and ask yourself “Is the way I’m processing this situation related to my understanding of monogamy?” You may be surprised at how often the answer is yes and doesn’t need to be yes.
• Be patient with yourself.  Reprogramming our brain doesn’t happen overnight.  People spend years in therapy using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)  to reprogram their brains.
• Observe your peers who have healthy polyamorous relationships.  Watch closely and your brain will start making other connections just from these observations.
• Read as much as you can about polyamory.  (Like my blog.  I know.  I’m shameless. Ok but for real, there’s lots of great resources out there. A good start is More Than Two )
• Journal through your journey.  Write down what changed for you that day in how you think about polyamory and monogamy.  
• Make a list of all of the things you know about monogamy and what you think you were taught about it.  Now make a contrasting list thinking about how polyamory changes those constructs.  Here is a quick example:
  

These are just some tips but do what works best for you.  Don’t dismiss therapy if needed.  It has worked for lots of people in the polyamory community and can really help you no matter where you are in your journey.  

The post Deprogramming Monogamy appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I started to think about what I have gained spending the last 6 years of my life adopting this way of managing my relationships.  I was thinking about how much it has changed me for the better. Sure, there’s been some really hard parts along my journey. Hard breakups, hard lessons, hard feelings and hard choices. If I reverted to monogamy today, I would honestly say that my journey through polyamory made me a better person. Here’s 5 mental muscles that I’ve been exercising for the last 6 years on my journey:

Communication – You have to do a lot of it.  Every new connection takes a ton of communication. You start to get better at communicating all kinds of things: expectations, wants, needs, fears, excitement, etc.  During all this communication I started learning how to have more productive conversations. I learned how toxic my penchant for stonewalling was and was able to work on that. I started to learn the value of transparency and being forthright with my thoughts.  I learned that being transparent and honest can be awkward and uncomfortable but it always plays out so much better afterwards.  I look back at the communication habits I had before polyamory and it makes me cringe.  

Emotional Maturity – Before polyamory I was not a very emotionally intelligent person.  I was not good at identifying feelings and articulating them into words. I had already recognized before polyamory that I was not neurotypical and emotions were harder for me to process.  I knew it was a weakness but I had not done a ton of work on it. Once polyamory was introduced into my life I was forced to really process and analyze a large range of emotions very frequently. There’s just so many emotions happening when you’re exploring new relationships (or even multiple relationships at the same time).  I used to refer to a feelings wheel as a crutch when I was trying to find the words to explain my feelings.  Thanks to polyamory I do pretty well on my own now! I understand better how each of those feelings affect me and ways that I can process and manage them.

Setting Boundaries – This was probably one of my most undeveloped mental muscles before polyamory.  I think it’s also an extremely underrated skill. I have to say that this is probably one of the mental muscles I have to help most of my friends work on.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dispensed advice to friends using the phrase “It sounds like you need to set some boundaries.” See, in my monogamous life I never really thought of setting boundaries that often.  There’s very much of a “What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine” mentality that goes way beyond just tangible resources. I grew up hearing “Pick your battles” and “Relationships are about sacrifice” so I didn’t think it was ok to set boundaries with people I loved and cared about it.  I learned, through managing multiple relationships, that it’s not only OK but most people appreciate it.  

Self Worth –  Oof. This one is about insecurity and jealousy which is one of the scariest parts of polyamory for most folks.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I’m way too jealous for polyamory.” I’d have many many dollars. Yes, it’s a hard thing to work on but there’s good news!  It’s 100% worth it. I watched a clip from a radio show recently where I listened to an attractive, fit, masculine, tattooed person talk about how dealing with his insecurities in a polyamorous relationship was more painful than sitting through his 26 hour tattoo.  I think most people who have walked the path of polyamory will agree that it’s very hard. You know what, though? Working through those insecurities has made me a stronger person. Dealing with those things forced me to really look at myself and see what the people who love me see.  Everyday I’m humbled by the amazing people around me, but I have managed to amass enough self worth to not feel threatened by other humans. Sure, I still get some twinges of insecurity (especially early in relationships) but those demons only get easier and easier to fight the more I do it.

Self Awareness – Before polyamory I was so painfully unaware of who I was that I have a hard time imagining how I existed in the world.  I was trying to form opinions and views about myself and the world around me based on very little feedback. When you connect with more people on a deeper level it inherently comes with more feedback.  You’ll always get a lot of good feedback but sometimes there’s bad feedback. Imagine someone you love is telling you that you have a bad habit of talking over them in social situations. What you do with that information is really important and if you don’t listen then you won’t ever see yourself do it.  As I got more and more feedback from various connections, I learned about myself and how the world sees me. I was able to learn what people liked about me and what they didn’t like. I didn’t up and change who I was every time I got some kind of feedback but I listened and was thoughtful about what I chose to do with it. 

There’s so much more I’ve gained from this journey and I’m just skimming the surface here. I’m pretty sure you get the gist. There is many benefits but one of the things that’s so great about working out these mental muscles is that it doesn’t just stop with romantic relationships. Each of those things I can take and apply to all versions of myself and different parts of my life. If I stopped being polyamorous today I would have to thank that part of my life for the tremendous growth it has provided me over the last 6 years.  I strongly believe that it will open up way more doors for me than just romantic ones. Alas, I can’t ever imagine looking back. My polyamory journey may ebb and flow as it has in the past but it’s part of who I am at my core.  The best part? I have many more years of learning and growing to look forward to.   

The post Thanks Polyamory! It Has Been Fun! appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Rules come up a lot in my posts.  If you’ve read any of my posts that reference rules you know I don’t like them.  Polyamory is about having the capacity and ability to love multiple people. It’s about breaking free of the confines of monogamy and letting love exist wherever it naturally grows.  Rules trample all over that concept. I see a lot of people get confused about what’s a rule and what’s an agreement. What you’ll notice in my examples is that rules affect your partners relationship with others. Agreement focuses on the interaction between you and your partner. They focus on your own personal needs and boundaries without impacting your partner’s other relationships. I hope you find these helpful!

The post Rules Vs. Agreements – Part I appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

This triggers a back and forth about who has it worse in the dating world, men or women. I stumbled across a post like that about 6 weeks ago and posted something on my Facebook page to the effect of “They both have their own struggles so it shouldn’t even be a debate.”  The amazing women in my life let me know that I was only half right. I was right in that it shouldn’t even be a debate. The part I was wrong about is the word struggle. See, struggle underplays what they have to deal with. If a woman walks down the street and someone says to her “Wanna Fuck?” Do we say she struggled? No. We say she was harassed.  

I try really hard to listen to the people in my life, especially when it’s coming from multiple sources.  In summary, my friends collectively told me that I couldn’t even comprehend how bad it can be for women and I shouldn’t talk about things I don’t know about (in a gentle but firm way).  If you know me at all, you know that I try really hard to understand different perspectives in the world. I took a deep breath, collected my crumbled ego and opened my mind to what they were saying.  When I did that, something started to shift as I was on dating sites. I started reading dating profiles differently. While I always noticed women would put things in their profile like “No, I don’t want to see your dick so don’t ask.” it carried a different weight now.  I started noticing how consistent of a message that was across the board. So many of women’s profiles are filled with verbiage trying desperately to help us guys connect with them. How sad is it that women have to put things on their profile to literally beg for basic human decency?

A week after my initial post where I got set straight, I posted something on my Facebook saying I wanted to learn more about this. I asked for people’s stories and screenshots if they were comfortable sharing them.  I received ssssoooooo many. Way more than I could have even imagined. I know everyone will have a different experience on dating sites and this may not be everyone’s experience but just the fact that I got so much feedback about these interactions told me that this was a systemic problem.

Just for argument’s sake, let’s take the blatant harassment that women receive off the table for a minute.  Let’s address the issue with men perceiving the women’s experience on dating sites as being easier because they get more attention. Good news guys, I did the work for you.  I had a friend who messaged me and proposed I use their pictures to make a profile on OK Cupid (Thank you for that!). I thought “Ooooohhhhh, an experiment! Fun! I’m going to learn so much!” And so Jess was born. An attractive, alternative looking female in the Greenville, SC area that likes board games.  I made the profile pretty neutral and didn’t say anything sexual at all. I put enough to not look spammy but not so much it would discourage people from reading my profile. Making a fake profile already caused me some personal moral dilemmas but I promised myself I wouldn’t “Like ” anyone’s profile or interact with anybody as to not give someone false hope.  I fully understand that this will limit my experience and what kind of data I could collect but I was ready to at least scratch the surface. I started a running journal where I would take notes every time I checked in on there. I was eager to see what happened so I created the profile and then hopped back on a couple of hours later. This was my first journal entry:

“Just a couple of hours in and 99+ likes and 26 intros.   Not even 1 message that seemed remotely thought out or like it wasn’t copied and pasted.  Most were “Hey Sexy” or “Hey Baby” or “Damn you sexy” and sometimes people couldn’t even be bothered to put more than one word.  I’d literally just get a “sexy” and nothing else. It made me feel like I was walking down the streets of New York and just being cat called by a bunch of random guys.  It didn’t feel good and I’m already not looking forward to this.”

About 6.5 hours later and the numbers had tripled. I logged in and had a similar experience to the one I did before.  I didn’t even bother screen-shotting because there was so much redundancy. I couldn’t click on the profiles and pass them fast enough.  

Here’s some sreenshots from day 1:

I found myself getting excited when I saw somebody would write something more than “Hey baby wud”. At one point in my experiment, I got an intro message that actually had some length! I was so excited and thought “Maybe this will be the exception!” :

Nope.  I was wrong  I remember just scratching my head wondering where on my profile I would have indicated that I needed to be pleased in every way.  

I will say that a very small percentage of people seemed to have at least read the profile to some degree.  It was the exception and not the rule. Even then, they might only go as far as asking me my favorite board games.  Those interactions were grossly outnumbered, though. 

Since I did limit myself to only one dating app and didn’t interact with anyone, nobody would have had much of an opportunity to send me unsolicited pictures or make sexual advances.  Regardless of that, a lot of messages had undertones that indicated they could have quickly gone that direction.  

So it’s about a week later into my experiment and I’m in the 1500’s of profile likes and have combed at least 200 intro messages.  At this point, I just can’t even be bothered and I dread having to sign into Jess’s profile. I’m anxious to get back to my own dating profile where it’s nice and quiet.  My own personal dating profile started to feel like a safe space where I can be patient and wait for quality interactions instead of having to comb through so much garbage.  With that simple exercise, I can unequivocally say that it’s not even comparable. Being Jess took substantially more work and I wasn’t even messaging anybody! 

The whole experience made me think of this analogy: Imagine you’re checking out a brochure for a cruise.  You’re reading the brochure and it says men only get to eat once every 2 days but get a large satisfying 6 course meal.  Women can eat whenever they want but only have access to uncooked whale carcass. Would you, a guy, think “Those women are so lucky! They can eat all the food they want!”? Of course you wouldn’t.  Hopefully you’d opt for a better cruise option but I think you get the gist. More isn’t always better!

So I could probably end this blog post here.  I mean… point made. Women have it way worse than men.  I know that if I had a bunch of girls sending me those kinds of messages I would feel reduced to nothing more than just a bag of meat and bones.  I’ve never once felt objectified on my normal dating profile as a cis man in the 5+ years I’ve been on and off various dating profiles. It didn’t even take me 2 hours to get objectified 20+ times as a female.  Unfortunately, it gets worse for women than my little silly experiment. I would be so completely remiss to finish this blog without talking about the real problem women face every single day. Harassment. Harassment in all forms.  Dodging social media blocks, dick pics, sexual advances and even stalking. I even had a friend share a story and a screenshot with me about how a guy messaged her discussing pedophelia and incest with his underage daughter. Yes, she reported him but sadly I’m sure nothing was done.

I’ve felt many emotions through this process.  A lot of times I’ve felt anger when I saw screenshots.  I’ve felt confused and found myself just wondering why people would say the things they do.  However, there’s a predominant emotion when I’m talking to my friends and hearing their stories: I feel sad.  I feel sad that society separates digital harassment from in-person harassment. I feel sad that my friends have become complacent just to cope.  I felt sad just the other night when I received this message from a new internet friend I was getting to know: 

The fact that this even had to be something someone said to me really bummed me out.  A month ago, I don’t think it would have impacted me the same way that it did.

I understand it probably takes a lot of energy to fight this monstrosity of a problem.  It’s easier to just block people or just forgo dating sites all together as some of my friends have done.  I really wish I had a simple solution to stop this. I know states like Texas have started criminalizing unsolicited dick pics.  It’s a step in the right direction but it’s not enough. I’ve noticed that more of my friends are putting these guys on blast on social media.  It’s a very brave thing for them to do but it’s a risk that not everyone is comfortable taking. The bottom line is that there has to be more consequences for harassing behavior. I wish the companies hosting the various platforms for communication invested in a way to tackle this problem better.  These men are acting under the guise of free speech. 

Before I conclude this blog post, I want you to go through these screenshots and see what the women in our life are getting on a daily basis.

For the record, this isn’t even all of them. Not even half.  Many of them were full length conversations. Some of them had the harasser defending the harassment.  I hope this post and the screenshots are enough to make a point that it’s really hard out there for women.  So guys, let’s do better. Let’s REALLY listen when the women in our life talk about how hard it can be for them out there.  They aren’t exaggerating and they aren’t “lucky” to be getting so much attention. If you’re reading this and you could be one of these guys in these screenshots then please stop.  Not because you’re giving other guys a bad name, but you’re actually harassing the human beings at the other end of those messages. Before you message a stranger something or send a picture, ask yourself if you would walk up to them in a grocery store and say what you’re about to say.  If the answer is no, then don’t send that message.  

The post No, She Doesn’t Want to See Your Dick appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

A couple of quick disclaimers:  

• I can only talk about an OPP in the context of polyamory.  I know this can be included in some contracts in BDSM and I can’t say if it’s good or bad because I don’t have experience with that.
• I acknowledge and have personally known people with A One Pussy Policy so I can say it’s not exclusive to penises.  The truth is that there’s many different configurations of relationships and genders that can suffer from this. The issue is not unique to hetero-normative folks.  With that said, I’m going to talk about it in the context of One Penis Policy in a hetero-normative capacity for clarity.

What it is:

The One Penis Policy (OPP) is when the owner of a penis doesn’t allow their partners to date or have sex with other people that also have a penis. Most often, the rule doesn’t apply to them and they can date people regardless of that person’s genitals. Sometimes this is done blatantly but many times it’s done passively (e.g. the person with the OPP might be way less supportive of their partner having a relationship with someone with a penis).

How it starts:

Obviously, everyone’s story is a little different.  Let’s just look at a pretty typical tale of how one might find themselves with an OPP.  We are going to use the fictional characters Jane and John.

1. Jane is in a long term relationship with John.
2. Jane craves an intimate connection with a woman.
3. Jane tells John about this desire.
4. John says they are ok with Jane exploring it as long as Jane only sticks to women.
5. Jane is grateful for the flexibility of their current partner and agrees to that stipulation. 

How it goes:

1. Jane starts exploring connections with women.
2. Despite her efforts in trying to connect with another woman, Jane accidentally connects with someone that has a penis.
3. Jane is human and wants exactly what she can’t have.
4. Jane confronts John and tells him they are starting to get feelings for someone that has a penis.

What Happens:

1. John is upset and frustrated that Jane started getting feelings for someone with a penis.
2. Jane starts to resent John because Jane doesn’t understand why genitals matter.
3. John says genitals don’t matter and he is upset Jane changed the rules.
4. Jane calls B.S. and Jane is right. Jane did still break the rules, though.

What’s Really Happening:

John is insecure. He doesn’t feel safe and he feels threatened by Jane dating someone with a penis. Insecurity isn’t a good feeling and John thinks Jane is trying to destroy their relationship. The reality is that Jane wants nothing more than to keep John in her life while inviting more love into her heart. John’s primal brain overshadows all reason and he thinks Jane will find a better penis and then leave him.  When in reality, her love for him extends way past his dangly bits. 

For John:

Let’s look at this objectively and strip away all the insecurities.  By having an OPP, what you’re saying is that you think your penis is the deciding factor in Jane’s love for you.  Is your penis really that special? No offense but it’s probably not. Jane can go to a store and buy a penis off the shelf.  If you break down the human body and just think of it as a bunch of tiny atoms pieced together, does it really matter how those atoms are formed?  Are you only dating Jane because of how her atoms are formed on a structural level? Hopefully that’s not the only reason. Sure, the atoms that create Jane’s body, face and genitals make up a certain geometry that your brain processes as attractive. However, don’t you really love Jane because of the person she is?  I know it’s hard and scary and you probably have some work to do. Trust me when I say you should do the work to be comfortable accepting Jane’s relationship regardless of her partner’s genitals . You will both benefit in the long haul and you’ll be happy you did the hard work. 

Just try to remember this: One of the most loving ways to love someone is to let the person you love be free to love who they want to love.

For Jane:

I hope you learned your lesson.  Don’t agree to stipulations that put boundaries on your capacity to love.  At the end of the day, you still broke an agreement. You will have to take some responsibility for that.  You’re going to have to learn to say no to things that you can’t fully 100% commit to.

In Conclusion:

If Polyamory is about loving and respecting someone enough to not keep them from sharing their heart with others then the OPP is just a big F-U to that. Not to mention that it’s a breeding ground for resentment, which is one of the 3 invasive species in the relationship ecosystem. This is why I’m not down with the OPP and you shouldn’t be either.

The post Why I’m Not Down With The OPP appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Does that sound familiar?  Can you think of something in your relationship(s) that has gone unchecked?  Has it caused problems in your ecosystem?  

I think it’s fair to say that most relationships don’t end because of a giant asteroid crashing into them.  It’s usually something less catastrophic. Maybe a ‘white’ lie, a miscommunication or maybe even a small sacrifice for love.  When a professional ecologist is looking at an ecosystem and trying to solve a problem, they have to have foresight to see the long term consequences and all the pieces that are linked.  That’s a skill you can benefit from in managing your own relationship ecosystems.

I’m going to share with you 3 invasive species that can take over and destroy your relationship ecosystems.  I hope this will help you avoid introducing them or managing them when introduced. 

Distrust – Let’s say you’re texting your crush on your phone. Your partner asks who you’re talking to and you say “My Brother.” It seems trivial and you just didn’t want to cause them to feel insecure or have any bad feelings. You think you’re doing them a favor. Well, they find out you weren’t texting your brother and that you were actually texting your crush. You’ve now introduced distrust into your ecosystem. Now, every time your partner asks who you’re talking to they won’t believe you. They might ask you something more serious, like “Did you have unprotected sex when you went to that party?” and even if you didn’t and you told them as such, it’s still going to be nagging in their mind: “Well they lied to me about talking to their brother, what else would they lie to me about?” To resolve this, first, no more lies. No matter how trivial it seems. Next, take a lot of ownership for your mistake and give a lot of extra reassurance. Learning your partner’s apology languages can be extremely helpful to try and resolve something like this. You won’t fix this overnight, but you can’t allow it to go unchecked. Depending on the severity, it might even be worth considering counseling to work on removing this invasive species from your relationship ecosystem.

Resentment –  In terms of polyamory, resentment can come from all kinds of different places (e.g. sacrifices, broken agreements, etc.)  but it is the most prevalent in rules. Anybody that knows me, knows that I’m vehemently against rules in polyamory. One of the overarching reasons is because rules cause inevitable resentment.  Before I dive into an example, let me clarify that a rule is something you come up with to control someone else’s behavior and this is different from a boundary for yourself.  Let’s say you tell your partner that you don’t want them kissing someone on the first date (this is a rule). From your perspective, you’re just asking your partner to be considerate of your feelings and insecurities.  Your partner agrees to your rule thinking it’s not a big deal and they want you to be as comfortable as possible. Now your partner is out on a first date and is having an amazing date. The chemistry is off the charts! Your partner keeps finding themselves staring at their date’s lips.  All the stars have aligned perfectly to end this night with that magical first kiss. Your partner’s date asks for a kiss (because consent is required – it’s 2020). Now let’s break down the 2 outcomes:

Outcome 1) Your partner decides to go ahead and kiss their date. – You’re upset and resent your partner for breaking your rule that they agreed to.

Outcome 2) Your partner refrains from kissing their date – You have ruined this moment and your partner is going to resent you.  

It doesn’t matter who is at fault.  Both the rule maker and the rule breaker have responsibility in both outcomes. The fact of the matter is that the relationship ecosystem has been introduced to  resentment. Resentment can grow uncontrollably and is compounded as time goes on. Rules can be a breeding ground for this invasive species and the best way to avoid introducing this invasive species is by not having rules.  At the very minimum, don’t agree to rules that you know will cause you resentment. Rules aside, try and be cognizant when making decisions both large and small. Ask yourself, “Could this decision cause resentment in some way?”  If the answer is yes, figure out how to mitigate that. Everyone will be better off for it and you can maintain balance in your relationship ecosystems. .

New Relationship Energy (NRE) – If you don’t know what NRE is, it’s that feeling of immense love/lust you feel for someone when a relationship is new.  You stay up way too late talking to them, you check your phone constantly to see if they messaged and they are literally the only thing you can think about. It’s pretty consuming and it has been likened to doing cocaine.  When NRE is introduced to your relationship ecosystem, this can make even the strongest foundation crumble.  NRE is a little bit different than distrust and resentment as it’s almost unavoidable. Much like kudzu, NRE can be a positive thing when it’s controlled.  Afterall, kudzu is actually edible to humans, can create some really pretty scenery and makes excellent cow fodder. NRE can breathe some life into your existing relationships.  You may find your sex drive increased or your mood improved while experience NRE. When does NRE become bad? Well, imagine your existing relationships as trees and your time and attention as sunlight that gives life to those trees.  NRE, like kudzu, can prevent you from shining light on those trees to keep them alive.

How do you control it?  First of all, understand NRE for what it is.  Understanding how it affects your brain and your body can help a lot.  Don’t make any big decisions in (at least) the first 6 months of a relationship because that’s when NRE is at its strongest.  Another thing is to be intentional about the care and attention you give your trees. NRE comes in fast and strong and you have to learn to intentionally dial it back a little.  It can seem harmless but will quickly start destroying your relationship ecosystems if not managed well.  

If you think of your relationships as a delicate ecosystem it will help you be more vigilant when something bad can be introduced – you can’t just ignore it or let it go unchecked. Having this mindset will help give you a good chance at maintaining that balance you need in all of your relationships.  

The post 3 Invasive Species in the Relationship Ecosystem appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

When you play RPG’s (Role Playing Games), you generally start out as a level 1 character.  This means you can handle a sword or bow decently but you’re not really equipped to fight much more than some little goblins or a wild boar.  You have to play through a bunch of quests and get life experiences to level up and fight the bigger monsters. The game generally won’t give you any level 30 monster to kill when you’re a level 1. Well… they might.  If you do something really stupid. Like shooting an arrow at a gazebo. Ok sorry, I digress.  

Unfortunately, in real life, the Jealousy Mind Flayer is a level 30 monster and when you start your polyamory journey you’re starting out at level 1*.  You barely get a chance to start your journey and BAM!!! You’re standing there staring at a Level 30 Jealousy Mind Flayer. The scary part is that the Jealousy Mind Flayer (JMF) doesn’t ever actually kill you but instead it stuns you and then it takes control of your mind. It is trying to make you sabotage yourself until you’re alone and sad. These monsters are really twisted.
*Levels may vary 

Like most monsters, the more we know about them and the more we understand them the better equipped we are to fight them.  Here are some examples of ways the JMF will mind-fuck you. 

The JMF makes you believe that the other person your partner is dating is your competition.  In reality, the other person is someone who loves and adores your partner just as much as you and only wants them to be happy. Just like you do.

The JMF makes you believe that if your partner dates someone with a different gender than you, they won’t leave you. In reality, your partner is just as likely to leave you regardless of the person’s gender. 

The JMF will make you believe that it’s the other person that will pull your partner away from you.  In reality, the JMF is making it so you’re the one actually pushing your partner away.  

The JMF will make you believe that you need to hold onto your partner tighter so they can’t get away.  In reality, the JMF is making you suffocate them and not give them room to be free and happy.

The JMF will make you believe that you’re a big giant dumpster fire and you don’t deserve love.  In reality, your partner chooses to be with you because there’s a lot of really great things about you.

The JMF will make you believe that the only reason your partner would want to be with someone else is because they hate you and aren’t happy in their relationship. In reality, your partner simply craves even more love and connection in their life and it has nothing to do with you at all.

The JMF will make you believe that polyamory is the evil force that’s destroying your life.  In reality, it’s the JMF that is the evil force destroying your life.

These are a few examples – but there’s so many ways the JMF will try and destroy you. It is very creative and very insidious! The more information you have about the JMF the better equipped you will be to fight it.  You need to use the power of your mind to overcome the thoughts that the JMF is implanting in your head. Over time, the powers of the JFM will have less of an effect on you. You will gradually become stronger and more confident each time you fight the JMF.  Your emotional intelligence score will shoot up with every successful battle. Be aware, the JMF very rarely ever fully goes away. In fact, you might be coasting along just fine for quite some time and then that jerk shows up and tries to attack you again. However, as you level up on your journey, the JMF stays the same level. After some time and experience, as you’re attacked by the JMF, it will feel less like you’re being dragged over glass shards behind a truck and more like a little bee sting.  

Note: All you hardcore D&D folks. I know the mind flayer actually eats the victims brains and turns them into slaves. This is the Jealousy Mind Flayer. It’s different, ok?

The post The Jealousy Mind Flayer appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

Before polyamory, I was a serial monogamist and had been in a few long term relationships starting from when I was 17. If you exclude all my middle school and high school relationships (can we even REALLY call them all relationships?) then I have not dated much at all as an adult. In a lot of ways I was pretty inexperienced entering the dating field when taking on the polyamory label at 30 years old. I’m still learning so much with each new connection I make. I know many of my peers can relate to this feeling. It’s scary enough to be single and monogamous as an adult, but now I had to learn to navigate a whole new set of rules. It’s almost like having to learn how to walk again!

Through my polyamory journey, I’ve dated a handful of wonderful people. Each one providing me a great opportunity for self growth and self realization. Every single deeper connection I make and explore I take a world of wisdom away from that experience. I’m very grateful for that and I’ve been very fortunate to still have many of those people in my life as friends despite the romantic parts dissolving. They gave me their time and energy and I always enjoy that connection with them in the moment but….

…something seems to keep happening…

…It’s a pattern…

…I’m hurting people… 

See, I start feeling some negative feeling and I throw my walls up so quick neither of us really knows what happened. If I start to feel hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, scared or some variation of all four then I start to pull back.

I’m a visual person and I imagine my walls in a somewhat literal sense. Let me paint this picture for you: Imagine a giant fortified castle. It’s surrounded by a huge moat and can only be entered via a giant iron door that seconds as a bridge over the moat. The walls surrounding the castle are 100 feet tall and 20 feet deep. By default, I’m inside my castle and the drawbridge door is always closed so nobody can enter. I mostly hang out in a hidden secret dungeon where my heart is locked up inside a box for safe keeping. Also, there’s guards at every layer leading down to the secret dungeon. Also, I’m in a full suit of armor. Also, I command a flight of dragons! Ok, ok, you get the picture. Anyway, sometimes when I’m feeling bold I’ll come out of my dungeon and peak over the castle walls. Someone might catch my interest and I’ll let them through the castle walls to get to know them better. I start to feel comfortable with this person but I simultaneously feel really nervous. Then, with just the slightest feeling of uneasiness I yell “GGGGUUUAAAARRRRRDDDDSSSS!!! TAKE THEM OOOOUUUTTT!!! TAKE THEM OUT OF THE CASTLE!!!!!!!!” and I run back into my secret hidden dungeon and close the door to my castle.

I can identify times in my journey where this response was warranted.  It kept me out of relationships that would have been bad for me. I’ve patted myself on the back and congratulated myself on learning to avoid people that would foster unhealthy relationships.  There’s also been times where I’ve done this to help protect other people. Maybe I have the foresight to see that we aren’t a good match and I’m just mitigating the inevitable break-up further down the road.  The problem is that sometimes I do it because I’m just scared of getting hurt.  

How could anyone fault me for protecting myself? How could someone call it a toxic trait? It’s purely defensive and I never intend to hurt the people I get close to.

The reality is that it’s a toxic trait that does hurt people and it is cloaked in self care. It’s something I need to be cognizant of as I pursue future relationships.

Someone recently called me an expert at self preservation. I can see why they would think that. I know myself well and I’m good at asking for what I need and I’m also good at asking for and enforcing boundaries to protect myself. However, that preservation comes at a cost.

Here’s the million dollar question: When does having walls stop being healthy and start becoming self sabotaging and toxic to others? Honestly, I wish I could tell you but I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I’ve teetered on both sides of this. Like all things in life, I need to find the balance. I’m going to continue working on this part of myself. All things in life are about finding the sweet spot. This is something I’m actively working on and have been for the last year (Thanks to a dear friend who totally called me out. You know who you are). Currently, I’m striving for a space between being an expert at self preservation and the person who loves with reckless abandon.

This was a very vulnerable post but I shared this because sometimes our toxic traits aren’t so apparent. We might have to dig through the surface to find them. I encourage everyone to always be cognizant of your behaviors that cause others pain. It’s the only way we can be better to those around us. <3

The post Walls – My Hidden Toxic Trait appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I’m going to be talking about hierarchy a lot in this article.  It’s a tricky topic so before I start, let’s start with the definition:

What is hierarchy? 

Hierarchy – a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority.

Is this something that happens when practicing polyamory?

All the time.  It is viewed in many circles as unethical as there’s usually unintended consequences and people get hurt.  It’s something to be aware of when navigating your relationships. Some people embrace being hierarchical and are, at least, honest about it. This is a little better than people who deny being hierarchical at all but actually are in every single way. 

Do I, the author, practice hierarchy?

I suppose I have a version of hierarchy in my relationship with my NP (nesting partner – someone you live with).  For example, I see my NP more than I would see someone else I was dating. That’s an inherent fact because my NP lives in the same house I do. Could that be considered a form of hierarchy? Possibly.  My NP gets the privilege (or maybe not always a privilege) of spending more time with me than anyone else I would date. I’ll accept that could be viewed as a form of hierarchy. On the surface, there seems to only be two sides to the coin: hierarchical and non-hierarchical. What about those of us that live somewhere in the middle?  Couples, throuples, or polycules that share housing or children and have some inherent hierarchy but are otherwise pretty autonomous. Does that mean only a non-nested polyamory person can truly be non-hierarchical? Perhaps. I really don’t have an answer and frankly I feel like the conversation of hierarchy can be talked in circles. 

Can you even quantify hierarchy?

You’re probably not supposed to, but I’m going to anyway.  Like almost all things that exist, hierarchy isn’t as black and white as it may seem on the surface.  Here is an arbitrary scale that I came up with that has no research or scientific backing at all. It’s still pretty awesome though and I love doing this kind of stuff:  

Anybody that didn’t pick up on it, I totally used the scale for hazardous materials. 

Why?

Because the higher you are on the scale the more hazardous you are to potential and existing partners.  

Well, I am a pretty solid 1.  Let me give you a hypothetical example to explain why:

I have my NP that I’ve been with for almost 3 years and we have a house together in South Carolina. I have been dating someone in Maine for about a year. They want me to move to Maine to be closer to them.  Logistically, it’s not impossible to do. However, my NP does not want to move to Maine. Sorry. I’m not going to move to Maine.

On the flip side: I make my own schedule, date whoever I want to date, have sex whenever and with whoever I want to have sex with and my NP has no veto power at all. In fact, we even have our own completely separate living spaces in the house that we own together (perks of buying a house post-polyam).

I try really hard to not be hierarchical.  I would love to be a 0 but I don’t really know how to accomplish that.  I’m certainly not going to leave my amazing relationship with my NP. I try to pay attention to my language and try not to use phrases like  “primary partner” and “secondary partner”. I’ll profess to the world that I practice egalitarian polyamory. And yet, despite having all of this autonomy and using specific language, I don’t think I could ever say I’m truly 100% non-hierarchical.  I’m good with a 1, though. That’s a good goal for most people. Most of us would struggle to ever be a 0 without adopting some RA (relationship anarchy) principles.   At the end of the day, just own where you’re at in your journey and be honest to those around you.  The less you let outside people influence your relationships the happier and healthier your relationships will be. 

The post The Confusing World of Hierarchy appeared first on Trying To Thrive.

I’ve spent countless hours working on this. When I started my journey I had always wished there was a rule book for polyamory. Monogamy seems to have pretty clearly defined rules, why can’t polyamory? Well here it is. Finally. A rule book for polyamory:

Rule #1:

Treat the people you care about with basic human decency by being kind, honest and giving them space to be who they want to be.

The End.

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