I’m guilty of that. I remember the first documentary I saw where I learned about polyamory. There was this loving triad and I thought to myself “I want that! That looks amazing!” If only I knew then what I knew now…

I’m going to say this more than once : Wanting a triad is not bad.  Triads aren’t bad. There are many successful triads. It’s OK if you want a triad.  This is about taking a look at your existing relationship before you decide that a triad is the way to go. 

I am going to provide you with some questions to ask yourself.   I’ll let you know how to calculate your results at the end of this post.

For these questions, I’ll be using “SO” (Significant Other) to indicate the existing relationship and “Datemate” to indicate the person being added to your lives.

Examine Your Intentions:  Many polyam couples start out with polyamory discussing an idea of what they want their polyam configuration to look like and this is a very normal conversation.  Intentions are very important so you can be clear with the people you meet moving forward.  Let’s see where your intentions are for a starting point:

Be aware that going into polyamory with an extremely specific configuration can turn a lot of people away and you may find that you’ll struggle finding what you’re looking for. 

Examine Your Perception Of Your Relationship: Here is a question to try and gauge how you view your current relationship.  

You and your SO are talking about creating a dating profile. Do you:

A) Make a single dating profile with the both of you as a couple and share the password.

B) Make a single dating profile with both of you but let people know they are only communicating with one of you.

C) Make your own separate dating profiles but present as a couple on each profile.

D) Make your own individual dating profiles and only mention your marriage.

Viewing your relationship as a single entity is seen as unethical because it automatically gives you more power over anybody else that you invite into your lives: 2>1.  The reality is that you two are very unique individuals with different needs and desires.  When you have a combined profile it might give people the impression that you view your relationship as a single entity.  If you don’t see your relationship that way then I highly recommend making your own unique profiles to avoid that.

Remember that a triad has 3 relationships:

It Doesn’t Look Like This:

Examining Your Expectations: The reality is that dating involves humans and humans are EXTREMELY dynamic.  Things change constantly and there’s a lot of variables that you might not be considering.  If you don’t have somewhat loose expectations, you might find yourself really hurting the person you’re getting involved with.  Here are some questions to help give you some thought about how your expectations might be challenged. 

You start talking to someone that is a bisexual polyamorous person. You really connect with this person and you think they might be a good fit for your triad. They then disclose to you that they aren’t interested in your SO in a romantic way. Do you:

A) Think to yourself that they haven’t got to know your SO and that they will probably like them once they get to know them. So you continue to talk to them and hope they change their mind.

B) Ghost them since they don’t fit what you’re looking for.

C) Explain to them that you’re looking for something specific and they don’t meet that criteria.

D) Not care at all because you’re OK with dating this person separately from your SO.

You have met the perfect datemate for your triad and you’re really excited. They express that they are only interested in having one-on-one sex and don’t like threesomes. Do you:

A) Insist the datemate give it a try because you and your SO are both amazing in bed and can make all their dreams come true.

B) Dump your datemate because you and your SO aren’t ready to have sex without one another being present.

C) Proceed dating but ask them to give you and your SO some time to get comfortable with the idea of having sex separatetly from one another.

D) Let your datemate know that it’s 100% ok and you and your SO don’t mind at all.

You and your SO have been dating your new datemate for 3 months.  The datemate tells you that they are losing interest in your SO and want to break up with them but continue to date you.  Do you:

A) Ask the datemate to reconsider their feelings and let you help repair that connection.

B) Break up with the datemate and let them know that they just won’t fit into your life unless they are dating both of you.

C) Let the datemate know that it’s going to cause some shifts in your relationship with them but you’re willing to try to make it work.

D) Reassure the datemate that it’s OK and that it won’t change your relationship with them at all. 

If you can’t allow the flexibility of changes because of your existing relationship then you can cause a lot of damage and cause a lot of pain to your datemate.  What you don’t want them to hear is “If you don’t orbit our existing relationship and fit in perfectly then we will discard you.”   Also, if you really just want a threesome then that’s totally cool!  I recommend swinging for that, though.  You’ll find it way less work to get those specific needs met.   

How You Might Prioritize Your Relationship:  There may be some inherent priorities like kids and finances but it might be good to look at how you might prioritize your existing relationships over the relationships with this new person.  Here are a couple of questions to consider. 

You and your SO realize that introducing this new person into your relationship is causing a lot of tension between you two. Do you:

A) Tell the datemate both of you need to break up with them while you get your relationship in a better place.

B) Tell the datemate you need to hit the pause button while you two get some things worked out.

C) Let the datemate know that there is some tension and you will need to take a step back and might not be able to see one another as much.

D) Work on your relationship independently from your relationship from the datemate.

Your SO tells you that they want to break up with the datemate and that you need to break up with them too:

A) Tell the datemate that you’ll have to date on the down low from now on.

B) Tell the datemate that you need to break up to salvage your existing relationship.

C) Tell the datemate that you need to break up for right now but will try and fix this.

D) Tell your SO that you’re not going to break up with someone that you care about and work through whatever those consequences look like.

If you are going to continually put your existing relationship in front of your relationship with your datemate then you’re probably going to hurt them.  By viewing each connection as its own unique relationship it will help you treat each connection equitably.  

How To Calculate Your Results:

I lied. There is no calculation. I don’t want to label you and I don’t want a quiz to define you. The point of this was to get you thinking about what having a triad might really look like, what sort of obstacles it can present and how you might unintentionally hurt someone through the process. Something tells me that you don’t need a test score to know where you land.    Just an FYI, we barely scratched the surface here. There’s countless other things to consider before getting involved in a triad: Holidays, finances, living situations, children, etc.

In Conclusion:

If someone sent you this then please don’t be offended. It can be hurtful when someone calls you a Unicorn Hunter because you’re probably not a bad person who goes around trying to hurt people or be predatory. While some people do get misidentified as Unicorn Hunters, if several people are telling you that your behavior is indicative of Unicorn Hunting then try to take it as an opportunity to reflect on your intentions and expectations. It could be a great opportunity for growth on your polyam journey.

The reality of triads is that they are complicated and require a lot of work.  They require the established couple to be very cognizant of all the ways they can hurt the person being introduced if they aren’t able to dismantle their own relationship.   On the surface it may seem easier to go with a triad right out of the gate but I assure you it’s not.  Again, I want to emphasize that it’s OK to want a triad.  There is nothing wrong with wanting one at all!  We all want what we want and that’s completely valid.  Just please be considerate in how you approach this and how you might hurt someone by going down this road with the wrong intentions and expectations.  

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