Welcome to Rules Vs Agreement Series Part I! I hope to hear from my friends and other polyam folks who have good examples for future parts to this series. Feel free to send them my way!
Rules come up a lot in my posts. If you’ve read any of my posts that reference rules you know I don’t like them. Polyamory is about having the capacity and ability to love multiple people. It’s about breaking free of the confines of monogamy and letting love exist wherever it naturally grows. Rules trample all over that concept. I see a lot of people get confused about what’s a rule and what’s an agreement. What you’ll notice in my examples is that rules affect your partners relationship with others. Agreement focuses on the interaction between you and your partner. They focus on your own personal needs and boundaries without impacting your partner’s other relationships. I hope you find these helpful!
Rule: You cannot have unprotected sex with anyone else.
Agreement: I need you to tell me if you have unprotected sex with someone so I can choose how to protect myself.
Rule: No kissing on the first date.
Agreement: I need you to not tell me if you kiss someone on the first date because it causes me insecurity. I’ll work on this but right now knowing if you kiss someone is a boundary for me. (This is one of many options for how to handle this.)
Rule: No dating our friends.
Agreement: I may choose to distance myself from a friend if you start to date them so I can try to avoid getting in the middle of anything.
Rule: I don’t want you to have any sleepovers.
Agreement: If you have a sleepover, it’s going to be really hard for me so I may need some extra reassurance and love leading up to that. Just until I get used to it.
Rule: You’re not allowed to take other people to *Insert Favorite Place* to eat.
Agreement: *Insert Favorite Place* is really special to me. I know you love it too and want to experience it with other people. Next time we go there, can we do something special to make the experience unique to only us?
Rule: I get final say in who you date.
Agreement: I can’t choose who you date but you’re my best friend and I will be honest if I think someone is toxic. I may not support kitchen table polyamory with this person and may distance myself from them for my own sanity but I’ll still support you in your happiness.
Rule: You need to come home by midnight.
Agreement: It will be helpful for me if you can text me if you’re going to be out later than midnight. Just so I’m not worried about you.
Rule: You can only make plans if I can find something to do during that time, too.
Agreement: I’d like to try to find something to do to stay busy while you’re on your date. It makes it easier for me while I get used to you seeing this person. If we are able to coordinate it, that would be helpful but I don’t want to prevent you from seeing them.
Rule: No last minute plans with other partners allowed.
Agreement: Last minute plans are hard for me. It would help me if you try to plan ahead as much as possible but I know you can’t always do that. Having a shared calendar would also be helpful!
Rule: I need to have access to your phone and email to know what you’re doing.
Agreement: It’s important to me that you don’t lie to me or keep information from me. I’d really like you to keep me in the loop with other potential relationships so I don’t get sideswiped. I know I’m struggling with some insecurity but I really do support you.
