Do you remember in grade school when your science teacher told you to think of human cells like little cities? City walls, city streets, recycling plants and all that fun stuff. Ever since then I would make all kinds of comparisons to better organize and understand things. It doesn’t even surprise me a little bit that I’ve come up with a way to compare the health of a relationship to an ecosystem. I call it the Relationship Ecosystem. Like most ecosystems, the tiniest of events can cause a whole system to crash. Those tiny events may not seem like much at the time, but if they aren’t addressed it can wreak serious havoc on your relationship ecosystem over time. Have you ever heard of kudzu? Kudzu is an ornamental vine from Japan that was used as a decorative landscaping. Someone brought it to the Southeastern United States. In 1883 they couldn’t predict that almost over 100 years later it would wreak so much havoc on plant and animal life. What went wrong? Well, it wasn’t necessarily the introduction of the plant, as that could have happened by accident. It was that it went unchecked for so long and it wasn’t addressed until it was already a major problem.
Does that sound familiar? Can you think of something in your relationship(s) that has gone unchecked? Has it caused problems in your ecosystem?
I think it’s fair to say that most relationships don’t end because of a giant asteroid crashing into them. It’s usually something less catastrophic. Maybe a ‘white’ lie, a miscommunication or maybe even a small sacrifice for love. When a professional ecologist is looking at an ecosystem and trying to solve a problem, they have to have foresight to see the long term consequences and all the pieces that are linked. That’s a skill you can benefit from in managing your own relationship ecosystems.
I’m going to share with you 3 invasive species that can take over and destroy your relationship ecosystems. I hope this will help you avoid introducing them or managing them when introduced.
Distrust – Let’s say you’re texting your crush on your phone. Your partner asks who you’re talking to and you say “My Brother.” It seems trivial and you just didn’t want to cause them to feel insecure or have any bad feelings. You think you’re doing them a favor. Well, they find out you weren’t texting your brother and that you were actually texting your crush. You’ve now introduced distrust into your ecosystem. Now, every time your partner asks who you’re talking to they won’t believe you. They might ask you something more serious, like “Did you have unprotected sex when you went to that party?” and even if you didn’t and you told them as such, it’s still going to be nagging in their mind: “Well they lied to me about talking to their brother, what else would they lie to me about?” To resolve this, first, no more lies. No matter how trivial it seems. Next, take a lot of ownership for your mistake and give a lot of extra reassurance. Learning your partner’s apology languages can be extremely helpful to try and resolve something like this. You won’t fix this overnight, but you can’t allow it to go unchecked. Depending on the severity, it might even be worth considering counseling to work on removing this invasive species from your relationship ecosystem.
Resentment – In terms of polyamory, resentment can come from all kinds of different places (e.g. sacrifices, broken agreements, etc.) but it is the most prevalent in rules. Anybody that knows me, knows that I’m vehemently against rules in polyamory. One of the overarching reasons is because rules cause inevitable resentment. Before I dive into an example, let me clarify that a rule is something you come up with to control someone else’s behavior and this is different from a boundary for yourself. Let’s say you tell your partner that you don’t want them kissing someone on the first date (this is a rule). From your perspective, you’re just asking your partner to be considerate of your feelings and insecurities. Your partner agrees to your rule thinking it’s not a big deal and they want you to be as comfortable as possible. Now your partner is out on a first date and is having an amazing date. The chemistry is off the charts! Your partner keeps finding themselves staring at their date’s lips. All the stars have aligned perfectly to end this night with that magical first kiss. Your partner’s date asks for a kiss (because consent is required – it’s 2020). Now let’s break down the 2 outcomes:
Outcome 1) Your partner decides to go ahead and kiss their date. – You’re upset and resent your partner for breaking your rule that they agreed to.
Outcome 2) Your partner refrains from kissing their date – You have ruined this moment and your partner is going to resent you.
It doesn’t matter who is at fault. Both the rule maker and the rule breaker have responsibility in both outcomes. The fact of the matter is that the relationship ecosystem has been introduced to resentment. Resentment can grow uncontrollably and is compounded as time goes on. Rules can be a breeding ground for this invasive species and the best way to avoid introducing this invasive species is by not having rules. At the very minimum, don’t agree to rules that you know will cause you resentment. Rules aside, try and be cognizant when making decisions both large and small. Ask yourself, “Could this decision cause resentment in some way?” If the answer is yes, figure out how to mitigate that. Everyone will be better off for it and you can maintain balance in your relationship ecosystems. .
New Relationship Energy (NRE) – If you don’t know what NRE is, it’s that feeling of immense love/lust you feel for someone when a relationship is new. You stay up way too late talking to them, you check your phone constantly to see if they messaged and they are literally the only thing you can think about. It’s pretty consuming and it has been likened to doing cocaine. When NRE is introduced to your relationship ecosystem, this can make even the strongest foundation crumble. NRE is a little bit different than distrust and resentment as it’s almost unavoidable. Much like kudzu, NRE can be a positive thing when it’s controlled. Afterall, kudzu is actually edible to humans, can create some really pretty scenery and makes excellent cow fodder. NRE can breathe some life into your existing relationships. You may find your sex drive increased or your mood improved while experience NRE. When does NRE become bad? Well, imagine your existing relationships as trees and your time and attention as sunlight that gives life to those trees. NRE, like kudzu, can prevent you from shining light on those trees to keep them alive.
How do you control it? First of all, understand NRE for what it is. Understanding how it affects your brain and your body can help a lot. Don’t make any big decisions in (at least) the first 6 months of a relationship because that’s when NRE is at its strongest. Another thing is to be intentional about the care and attention you give your trees. NRE comes in fast and strong and you have to learn to intentionally dial it back a little. It can seem harmless but will quickly start destroying your relationship ecosystems if not managed well.
If you think of your relationships as a delicate ecosystem it will help you be more vigilant when something bad can be introduced – you can’t just ignore it or let it go unchecked. Having this mindset will help give you a good chance at maintaining that balance you need in all of your relationships.
