Thanks Polyamory! It Has Been Fun!

I’ve been thinking…  What if polyamory is just a phase for me?  What if it was just a mechanism to manage my fear of commitment?  A vessel for validation? Well, if you’re reading this and are thinking “I knew it!” I have to let you know that I’m not actually wondering those things.  My brain is very much wired for non-monogamy. It would feel really weird and uncomfortable for me to revert back to monogamy. Sorry for the teaser but I was actually pondering a hypothetical scenario where I stopped being polyamorous. I started to wonder if I would look back and say:

I started to think about what I have gained spending the last 6 years of my life adopting this way of managing my relationships.  I was thinking about how much it has changed me for the better. Sure, there’s been some really hard parts along my journey. Hard breakups, hard lessons, hard feelings and hard choices. If I reverted to monogamy today, I would honestly say that my journey through polyamory made me a better person. Here’s 5 mental muscles that I’ve been exercising for the last 6 years on my journey:

Communication – You have to do a lot of it.  Every new connection takes a ton of communication. You start to get better at communicating all kinds of things: expectations, wants, needs, fears, excitement, etc.  During all this communication I started learning how to have more productive conversations. I learned how toxic my penchant for stonewalling was and was able to work on that. I started to learn the value of transparency and being forthright with my thoughts.  I learned that being transparent and honest can be awkward and uncomfortable but it always plays out so much better afterwards.  I look back at the communication habits I had before polyamory and it makes me cringe.  

Emotional Maturity – Before polyamory I was not a very emotionally intelligent person.  I was not good at identifying feelings and articulating them into words. I had already recognized before polyamory that I was not neurotypical and emotions were harder for me to process.  I knew it was a weakness but I had not done a ton of work on it. Once polyamory was introduced into my life I was forced to really process and analyze a large range of emotions very frequently. There’s just so many emotions happening when you’re exploring new relationships (or even multiple relationships at the same time).  I used to refer to a feelings wheel as a crutch when I was trying to find the words to explain my feelings.  Thanks to polyamory I do pretty well on my own now! I understand better how each of those feelings affect me and ways that I can process and manage them.

Setting Boundaries – This was probably one of my most undeveloped mental muscles before polyamory.  I think it’s also an extremely underrated skill. I have to say that this is probably one of the mental muscles I have to help most of my friends work on.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dispensed advice to friends using the phrase “It sounds like you need to set some boundaries.” See, in my monogamous life I never really thought of setting boundaries that often.  There’s very much of a “What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine” mentality that goes way beyond just tangible resources. I grew up hearing “Pick your battles” and “Relationships are about sacrifice” so I didn’t think it was ok to set boundaries with people I loved and cared about it.  I learned, through managing multiple relationships, that it’s not only OK but most people appreciate it.  

Self Worth –  Oof. This one is about insecurity and jealousy which is one of the scariest parts of polyamory for most folks.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I’m way too jealous for polyamory.” I’d have many many dollars. Yes, it’s a hard thing to work on but there’s good news!  It’s 100% worth it. I watched a clip from a radio show recently where I listened to an attractive, fit, masculine, tattooed person talk about how dealing with his insecurities in a polyamorous relationship was more painful than sitting through his 26 hour tattoo.  I think most people who have walked the path of polyamory will agree that it’s very hard. You know what, though? Working through those insecurities has made me a stronger person. Dealing with those things forced me to really look at myself and see what the people who love me see.  Everyday I’m humbled by the amazing people around me, but I have managed to amass enough self worth to not feel threatened by other humans. Sure, I still get some twinges of insecurity (especially early in relationships) but those demons only get easier and easier to fight the more I do it.

Self Awareness – Before polyamory I was so painfully unaware of who I was that I have a hard time imagining how I existed in the world.  I was trying to form opinions and views about myself and the world around me based on very little feedback. When you connect with more people on a deeper level it inherently comes with more feedback.  You’ll always get a lot of good feedback but sometimes there’s bad feedback. Imagine someone you love is telling you that you have a bad habit of talking over them in social situations. What you do with that information is really important and if you don’t listen then you won’t ever see yourself do it.  As I got more and more feedback from various connections, I learned about myself and how the world sees me. I was able to learn what people liked about me and what they didn’t like. I didn’t up and change who I was every time I got some kind of feedback but I listened and was thoughtful about what I chose to do with it. 

There’s so much more I’ve gained from this journey and I’m just skimming the surface here. I’m pretty sure you get the gist. There is many benefits but one of the things that’s so great about working out these mental muscles is that it doesn’t just stop with romantic relationships. Each of those things I can take and apply to all versions of myself and different parts of my life. If I stopped being polyamorous today I would have to thank that part of my life for the tremendous growth it has provided me over the last 6 years.  I strongly believe that it will open up way more doors for me than just romantic ones. Alas, I can’t ever imagine looking back. My polyamory journey may ebb and flow as it has in the past but it’s part of who I am at my core.  The best part? I have many more years of learning and growing to look forward to.