Gatekeeping in Polyamory

Well…  I did it.  I reached that point in my polyam journey where it finally happened.  I completely lost touch. I turned into that grumpy old man telling people to get off my lawn. However, in this scenario, the lawn was polyamory.  Yup, I became one of those gatekeepers to polyamory.  I’m really sad because I really don’t want to be that grumpy old man.  It’s not who I am and it’s not my nature.  I’m the kind of person that openly invites everyone to my lawn!  What happened was I essentially said “If someone is controlling what you do then you’re not REALLY polyamorous.”  I said it as if I owned the label to give to people.  What’s worse is I didn’t just say it to one person. I said it on my blog so I said it to at least 10 people. Fortunately, everyone was kind enough to let me know I was wrong for doing that.

I still remember being early on in my polyam journey and feeling pushed away from the world of polyamory because of all the gatekeepers.  I remember thinking “Who do these people think they are???  Polyamory is a state of mind! You don’t get to make the rules!” Yet, here I was, being “that” person that was trying to make the rules.  I write in my blog because I want to share content that helps people on their journey and makes them feel not alone.  I don’t want to be the person that pushes people away.

Yes, there’s some very basic moral principles that people should adhere to in all relationship configurations.  Nobody should be lying, abusing, manipulating or openly hurting the people they care about.  That’s true for both polyamorous and monogamous relationships.  Beyond those basic fundamentals, many ethics in non-monogamy can be debated in circles for eternity.  I can’t tell people they have to follow a particular set of rules to be polyamorous.  More importantly, I don’t want to.  It’s a monumental task that I’m not interested in taking on. 

Anytime I am criticized I like to take a step back and reflect.  When I reflect on things, it helps me learn and grow even more.  Sometimes it’s all about perspective and acknowledging that my experiences aren’t always the same as everyone else’s.  

If someone asked me why am  I so anti rules and control in polyamory I’d typically say something like “Over the years I’ve watched rules and control in polyamory consistently hurt people.  It hurt people on the inside and people on the outside of polyam relationships.  I also saw rules getting broken frequently and causing more issues than just not having rules in the first place.”  While those are definitely my observations, the deeper I dug, the more I started to ponder something new: Could another big part of my aversion to rules also be because I’ve been in a very controlling relationship?  I think if I’m being realistic then… Duh. 

Understanding and acknowledging that will help me be more careful about how I word things both on my blogs and to my friends that come to me for advice.

If you’re a polyam person that has been around the block, PLEASE be careful about gatekeeping. You may not even realize you’re doing it.  Educate, don’t dictate.  Everyone has to go through their own journey to learn things.  We can only help so much but sometimes things have to be learned through experience just as we were afforded the opportunity to learn through our own. 

As for me, I definitely contemplated throwing this whole blog idea out the window.  However, I think I will stick with it a little longer.  I am trying to look at this situation as an opportunity for growth that I would have never had without my blog. Also, the encouragement from my friends to continue definitely helped me overcome that initial thought (so thank you).  I guess I will just continue to try and give people tools, encourage them to own their feelings, work towards healthy agreements and boundaries, love themselves enough to fight the green eyed monster and live their authentic lives in a way that makes them happy.  I will no longer be yelling at people to get off my lawn because, plot twist, it’s not even my lawn.