An Open Letter to Those Who Feel Attacked in Polyamory

I enjoy lurking on facebook polyamory pages and reading the discussions people have. I’ve been doing it since the start of my journey over 5 years ago. Having been doing it for so long I started to notice patterns. I would watch people who were new to polyamory and just looking for some advice be shocked by the responses they got to their questions. There was reoccurring themes in most of these posts so I wanted to write an open letter to couples who are new to polyamory and seeking advice from the more experienced polyamory folks. Here it is:

Dear Couple Who Is New To Polyamory,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that when you ask for advice it feels like you’re being attacked.  I’m sorry that your new venture into this exciting thing feels like a world of judgement.  I know it’s hard to navigate these feelings because I was once new to polyamory. I can remember feeling like people didn’t understand my situation.  I knew I wasn’t a bad person and I cared about people. I knew I had nothing but good intentions. Now, with the gift of hindsight, I can see how naive I was.  My naivety hurt people even when I was very clear about my circumstances of being new to polyamory. 

Most of the time when we, the seasoned polyam person is giving advice, it’s because we made many mistakes already.  Most of us left a trail of broken hearts and hurt feelings because we didn’t listen. We don’t want to see other people making the same mistakes we made so we try desperately to get through to you.  This advice can come across to you as condescending or off-base. I promise, it’s not. There is a lot of value in listening to your peers. Please consider the wisdom we share.  

I must admit, there is bad advice out there.  Take into account that when you’re getting the same advice from multiple people, there is probably some validity to the advice you receive. Here is a couple of things I want you to hear and not disregard:

1. We don’t think it’s a good idea for you to start dating as a couple.  Just don’t. As long as you date as a couple, you’re always going to put yourselves and your relationship ahead of another person (this is called couple’s privilege).  Even if they consent to this type of relationship, you will hurt them. You both are not a single entity that is some great treasure to offer someone else. It’s very naive to think of yourself that way.  You and your current partner are two very different humans. A successful and healthy triad is rare and usually comes about when it happens organically – through two people dating first and then introducing a possible additional partner.  Dating together sounds easier, but it’s quite the opposite. There is a reason this sentiment is shared by so many people. We aren’t just trying to take the wind out of your sails, but instead give you the best chance at happy and healthy relationships down the line. If you read this and thought “I still don’t see why it’s a problem.” then please read this: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
   
   
2. I know it’s hard to hear, but when we push you to be more autonomous we know what we are talking about.  Autonomy is the magic key to polyamory. Learn to think of yourself and your partner(s) as their own people.  Don’t try to control them and don’t let yourself be controlled. Be your own person and let your partner be their own person. Only then can you be successful in opening up your relationship. When someone new to polyamory posts on a forum or Facebook page about how they are exhibiting a controlling behavior or being controlled, you can almost hear a collective sigh from the people responding.  Not really sure where to start with this? First, acknowledge there is codependency in your existing partnership. If you swear you aren’t codependent, you most definitely are. Every couple is to some extent. Work on untangling yourselves and breaking that codependency for the sake of your other relationships.
   
   
3. We truly sympathize with you when you say you’re feeling jealous.  However, it is a current that YOU have to swim against. If you rely on your partner to throw you a life-saver every time you start to struggle, you won’t become a stronger swimmer.  Don’t make your partner come home early from their date because you’re struggling. Sit in those feelings and learn how to be ok with them. This might be surprising, but even some of the most experienced polyam folks still have bouts of jealousy and insecurity.  The more comfortable you get with these feelings, the easier it gets to work through it on your own. Humans are weird creatures. When we feel insecure, we act out in negative and controlling ways. Sometimes this can be overtly and sometimes it can be covertly. Insecurity can cause anyone to push away and alienate the people we are scared of losing.  
   
   
4. We know that polyamory will not fix your broken relationship.  Some people will say “It helped save ours.” They are the exception and not the rule.  Just know that polyamory has a way of shining a huge spotlight on all the existing issues in a relationship.  All of a sudden you HAVE to talk about things. Everything is under a microscope and sweeping things under the rug is no longer going to cut it. At a minimum, work really hard on your existing relationship while pursuing other relationships.
   
   
5. For the hetero guys: Demanding your partner only seek out relationships with the same sex is giving you a false sense of security. Your girlfriend/wife will just as likely leave you for another woman as she would a man. 
   
   
6. When we say “Did you talk to your partner?” We aren’t just trying to get smart with you. We really want you to talk to your partner.  It’s the quickest and easiest way to work through whatever you’re going through. The only person that knows your partner’s feelings and intentions is your partner.  You will have a lot easier time processing and working through your problems with all the information. When you come asking for advice and we ask “What does your partner think?” and you haven’t talked to them yet then we just want to encourage you to do that.
   
   
7. When we suggest a therapist, it isn’t just an easy answer or a way to avoid helping you. Sometimes it’s the only answer.  Relationships are complex and polyamory only adds to that complexity. No amount of books, articles and forums can replace a professional therapist.  There is nothing wrong needing a therapist. It’s 2020, and having a therapist is as normal as going to a primary care doctor.

Polyamory is beautiful.  You’re going to grow so much through this process.  You’re going to have to learn your own hard lessons like we all did.  There is no amount of advice we can give you to prevent all the difficult feelings you will experience on this journey.  What I can tell you is that it’s worth it. Once you work through all the difficulties that come with opening up to polyamory, there is a world where love and support is truly multiplied and it’s an amazing thing to experience. . 

Sincerely,

A Genuinely Concerned Peer