Deprogramming Monogamy

I’ve been thinking recently about how I’m 6 years deep into learning about polyamory and living it everyday, yet, I still find myself on monogamous thought tracks. Wwwwhhhhhyyyyy?  I thought I was done with monogamy and had deprogrammed every part out of it out of my brain.  Why is it still there?  Deprogramming your brain is a very hard thing to do.  It’s not like you can just open up an editor and type in some new code and be done.  How nice would that be?  

When something, like monogamy, is written into our brain at a young age and for so long, our brains don’t like to let go of that.  Your brain is saying “No!  This is what’s been there and you’re still alive so I’m keeping it!!!!”  Not only were most of us polyamory folks programmed with  monogamy at a young age but a lot of us spent at least some part of our adult lives reinforcing monogamous constructs in our own relationships.

Our brains are quite complex but if we really break down what’s happening in there then it’s really just computation.  Much like a computer, we process data and decide what to do with that data. For example: Imagine someone throws a ball in your direction.  You process the trajectory of that ball and when you calculate the trajectory of that ball and it happens to line up with your face, you throw your arms up to try and stop the ball from hitting you.  Well, you try anyway (sorry if you got the poor reflex genes).  Sometimes our brains are dumb, though.  Have you ever been watching a video where a ball comes straight for the camera and you throw up your hands anyways?  Logically, you know it’s not going to come out of the screen and hit you.  It doesn’t matter and your brain still says “OMG PROTECT YOUR FACE!!!”

That’s because that response is hard coded into your brain (Probably from when you were young and trying to learn to play catch and kept getting hit in the face.)  Your brain is processing:

Projectile + Face = Protect

Now what happens when you watch that video a couple of times and you know what’s coming?  Your reaction changes because you know what to expect.  You start programming new data in your brain:

Projectile + Face = Protect Except When I’m watching this particular video

Let’s take this one step further.  Fast forward a few months later and a friend sends you that same video of the ball coming towards the camera.  You recognize it immediately and you know what’s going to happen but you still jump. Your brain has reverted back to its default original code of:

Projectile + Face = Protect

Eventually, if you watch that same video regularly and with some consistency then over time you will change how you react to it.  Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it.  That’s because you will have rewritten your default code (Projectile + Face = Protect) to include the variables of that video (Except When I’m watching this particular video) .  Granted, this is a severe oversimplification of how our brains actually work. 

For the sake of keeping it simple (and nerdy), let’s pretend like our brains handle data like a computer.

Our base code of things like hunger, breathing, reproduction, emotion and similar primal traits are pre-built for us when we’re developing inside of our mothers.  This is basically our BIOS (a joke for the nerds, not important).  The rest of our hard coding is done in the earlier part of our life.  Most of it is authored by the adults in our life, our teachers, our peers, our observations and even inanimate objects.  Since most of us in the polyamory community grew up being fed data about monogamy from a very early age, that is what has been hard coded into our brains.  We’ve literally been taught to process relationships in the context of monogamy.   This is probably why it’s so hard for couples who have been mostly monogamous to all of a sudden open up their relationship.  They are trying to process polyamory variables with monogamous code. Let’s look at a few things that are probably hard coded in us about the context of monogamy at a very early age. 

• Your partner starts to get feelings for someone else = They are a piece of trash human and can’t possibly be in love with you! 
• Your partner won’t give you their passwords = They are obviously hiding something and can’t be trusted!
• You feel jealous = This is your partner’s fault and they are responsible for this!

Obviously these are the toxic parts of monogamy and not all parts of monogamy are bad. However, these things are reinforced as totally acceptable reactions.  Eventually, after time and through the tedious process of deprogramming monogamy and reprogramming for polyamory you might actually end up here: 

• Your partner starts to get feelings for someone else = YAY!!!! 
• Your partner won’t give you their passwords = That is a very reasonable thing.
• You feel Jealous = Let me figure out why I feel this way so I can work on this. 

We are only scratching the surface here.  This is just a few of many ways we process the constructs of monogamy.  

Something I’ve been working through recently is my habit of thinking about my relationships in terms of a relationship escalator (dating, cohabitating, marriage, etc.).  While this works for the monogamous structure and isn’t necessarily bad, it makes navigating multiple relationships simultaneously extremely difficult. My conscious brain knows that I don’t want to be on any kind of relationship escalator but my subconscious was still processing the original monogamous code.  I’d still process my feelings through a filter with questions like these: 

Could I live with this person?  
Are all of our life choices compatible?  
What if they want kids?
Do I see myself with this person in 10 years?

Why would it matter if I could live with this person if I don’t have the intention to live with the people I date?  Well, it’s because it’s still hard coded into my brain that every relationship has to have a particular outcome and be part of a escalator.  After all, we grow up thinking that opening our heart to someone means marriage, the house, kids and dying together.   This type of thinking was preventing me from letting connections grow organically and just be how they are.  I’d be quick to close the door on something if the person didn’t align with what I’d be looking for in a monogamous structure.  All of this processing is happening in the background, and I didn’t put those pieces together until recently when I really started to analyze my patterns.  Now that I’ve recognized the patterns and can work on it, I’m navigating connections with people who I would have otherwise closed off.

Again, deprogramming your brain is HARD.  Unlearning things is HARD.  Especially something that is hard coded from an early age.  Here’s some tips I have on working through the process of deprogramming monogamy from your brain:

• Watch how you react to things and ask yourself “Is the way I’m processing this situation related to my understanding of monogamy?” You may be surprised at how often the answer is yes and doesn’t need to be yes.
• Be patient with yourself.  Reprogramming our brain doesn’t happen overnight.  People spend years in therapy using CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)  to reprogram their brains.
• Observe your peers who have healthy polyamorous relationships.  Watch closely and your brain will start making other connections just from these observations.
• Read as much as you can about polyamory.  (Like my blog.  I know.  I’m shameless. Ok but for real, there’s lots of great resources out there. A good start is More Than Two )
• Journal through your journey.  Write down what changed for you that day in how you think about polyamory and monogamy.  
• Make a list of all of the things you know about monogamy and what you think you were taught about it.  Now make a contrasting list thinking about how polyamory changes those constructs.  Here is a quick example:
  

These are just some tips but do what works best for you.  Don’t dismiss therapy if needed.  It has worked for lots of people in the polyamory community and can really help you no matter where you are in your journey.