TW ~ Emotional/Mental Abuse
Wait? The other side of what? What does that even mean? Well, I’m not dead and this isn’t a pop song or a Netflix original series. This is real life. We are all on the other side of something, right? You might be on the other side of college, cancer or some other life event that you’ve experienced. We all have our own experiences and have had to make choices in difficult times. This gives us a lot of wisdom from hindsight so we can learn and grow. In this post I want to share some wisdom and tell you about what it’s like being on the other side of an emotionally abusive relationship. It is my hope that just one person stumbles across this and decides to take steps to take control of their situation and do the scary things they need to do.
I want to preface this with acknowledging that it still feels weird to even say “emotionally abusive” because I know that at this person’s core, they aren’t bad. They are broken and damaged and need understanding…
…wait…
…stop…
See what I just did there?
I already started to defend them. Yup, I’m also a textbook emotional abuse victim. It took me more than a year after the breakup to even admit that there was emotional abuse. When I first started reading about emotional abuse and what the profile of the abuser and the victim look like, I felt totally called out. It’s true, most abusers don’t know they are being abusive and aren’t always inherently bad people. On the flip side, victims can’t be fully dissolved of their part in the dynamic either. I don’t mean they deserved it. Nobody deserves to be in that situation. Ever. However, as a victim, I had to look at the behaviors and patterns that got me into that situation and kept me there so I could break those patterns. In my case, there was a level of codependency and later I understood myself to be a passive codependent. I also had a diminished sense of self and a flawed mindset about relationships. I heard so many times growing up that “No relationship is perfect.” or “Relationships are a lot of hard work.” Those are both true statements. Instead of taking them the way they were meant to be taken, I interpreted them in a very dangerous way. I heard “Most relationships are crappy and nobody is truly happy most of the time. If you’re happy and not doing a lot of work then something is wrong.” That’s messed up, right? Well, brains can be jerks sometimes.
What was it like being an emotionally abusive relationship?
In my relationship, I was forced to walk on eggshells around everything. This was exhausting. Spending time with friends without them caused conflict. Friending people on facebook they didn’t approve of first caused conflict. Throwing something in the trash that belonged in the recycle caused conflict. I even had to provide the right number of ice cubes when bringing them a cup of water. They would yell at me and say not-nice things and then apologize later when they cooled down and told me to dismiss everything they said because they didn’t mean it. So, hindsight, why in the world would I stay in a situation like that? Whenever someone was bold enough to confront me about my relationship and the way they observed me being treated I would spew the same canned lines:
- “They struggle with mental illness.”
- “I’m certainly not easy to love.”
- “You have to take the good with the bad.”
- “Everyone has their quirks.”
- “They just likes things a certain way.”
- “I’m just as guilty because I put up with it.”
- “Well, it’s not like they hit me.”
(Some of these sound sensible on the surface, but if you hear yourself when reading those then please look deeper.)
Ultimately, I decided to leave because I found myself hoping they would leave me. That wasn’t fair to either of us. So I did it. I left that relationship. It was a very scary thing to do. It wasn’t amicable and they were extremely upset. When I told them I wanted out of the relationship they told me “YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE THAT DECISION!” When you take control away from an abuser it can be a really scary thing for them. And as I walked out the door, there were things being thrown and I could hear glass shattering. I felt sick to my stomach and I was actually kind of scared of what they might do. All the things I was afraid of happening, happened. But, hey? I survived. I’m on the other side and it was a very good decision for me in a lot of ways. I know that in their narrative I am the bad person. I abandoned them and wasted six years of their life. In my narrative, I just simply outgrew them. I learned that it’s OK to outgrow people and move on. I know that growing up we are all told that a relationship ending equals failure. In my case, it was a huge success and one that has opened up an amazing new chapter full of happy and healthy relationships. The other side is beautiful and amazing and while it takes a lot of hard decisions to get there I want you to know that it’s totally worth it.
What Now?
Read This:
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame – This is a nicely laid out article and a great tool to have in your toolbelt. Look through and see if your partner does several things on this list. If they do, take the time to research and learn more about emotional abuse. Once you’ve done that, read it again and see if YOU do anything on this list (I know I checked a couple of the boxes). You can also use this as a guide to keep toxic behaviors in check on both sides.
If you’re in danger and need help getting out of your situation then Go Here or call 1-800-799-7233 or (TTY) 1-800-787-3224.
